a note to You
January 22, 2004 � 9:14 p.m.

<< I received this entry to post for Ms.Thea after I had left work, so please excuse the fact that it is the second entry for yesterday yet was posted today. ~Angel >>

Second Post Today but The First One For This Date of 1/22/04

Today�s Weather: Confused blustery winds coming in from where shattered dreams and tenuous hopes collide

I fucked you last night.

Why I did that, I really can�t say.

Maybe nostalgia. Maybe loneliness. Maybe pity. Maybe horniness. Maybe being self- destructive.

Maybe I did it�just because�I could.

I never had any intention�no I never had any clue that you would even be there last night, better yet talk and hang out�even more than that, proposition sex.

Even more surprising was the fun we had�the conversations, the insights, the banter, the jokes�the furtive glances and sly half sorry smiles donned when no one was looking. All of us, just hanging out and shooting the shit, chasing the dawn like teenagers at a slumber party, and in the middle of it all was me and you, seemingly sucked into a time warp of our own.

Me trapped back in moments where I saw the good in you.

You trapped in memories of what it was like to hold me close.

And somewhere along the way, that old feeling came back, and we remembered why we had gotten along so well.

Well, I guess more than ONE old feeling came back.

We laid there while I waited for you to leave so I could sleep in your room instead of on the couch, and you surprised me by whispering, �I think about us a lot, the things we used to do.� I turned and looked sharply at you, but you had such a wistful look on your face as you lowered your eyes from my gaze, that I halted my attack. �What do you think about?� I whispered back, wondering what you could possibly say that WOULDN�T make me want to smash your face in. He smiled and said, �About that day you came over in that blonde wig��

We laughed then. Easy laughter that had us tumbling against each other and regaling other stupid sex stories, rehashing old arguments, exposing old wounds and finding a few stray cuts we hadn�t notice before. I felt the change in you, felt the tension leave and the sorrow come in as I said I was through with relationships and just wanted to have sex because I was too fucked up by my past to be monogamous. I saw that pained look cross your face and you searched for words to say, and when you looked back at me, I saw it.

You fucking miss me.

I saw that and the hostility came irrationally back and all I wanted to do was smack the shit out of you. Especially when you tentatively asked about Swiz and our situation�especially when you said things to make me laugh or smile�especially when you moved in close behind me and blew on my neck�and ESPECIALLY when you sighed and turned away from me, sadly breathing out, �I remember everything about you, Adora, believe it or not.�

Adora.

You dared to call me that and for a moment, I melted. I remembered the lie and the sometimes comfort of that lie, and suddenly I was drowning in my loneliness, and the only thing I could cling to was you. So I turned to you and laid in your already open and beckoning arms and buried my face into your chest�remembering how once I was safe there�so safe�

until you fucked it all up. Until you lied. Until you tried to make us more than we were�more than we should have been. Until you sullied and trashed the precious few hopes I had left. Until you hurt me.

Until you tried to break my fucking heart.

And there it was�until you TRIED to break my heart�when neither of us realized that my heart had never really been exposed and the danger of ultimate destruction was just a false alarm. When you thought I loved you more than anything, you turned heel and left me.

And I hate you for THAT. I will never forgive you for THAT. And when I thought about how fucked up I had been behind you doing THAT, I pulled away and glared at you�despising the weakness in your eyes, the softness of your voice, the gentleness of your touch�yes, I looked at you with the resentment seething from my body and I realized something I never really acknowledged before.

You are weak. You are confused. You are unstable. You�are�sorry.

You�know you fucked up royally and you�you regret it.

And I can�t live the rest of my life hating or feeling sorry for you.

Oh�but I can make you always fucking regret it�regret me�and I will.

And that�s why you were able to put your hands on me. That�s why I did all the things to drive you crazy. That�s why you came faster than a speeding bullet.

And that�s why you laid there afterward, clutching me so close to you so I wouldn�t escape. Every touch was an apology, every stroke was pushed with hope, and your fingers digging into my skin as you fell asleep were tainted with regret, while I laid there with my mind elsewhere, on someone else, and my tortured soul sang out in glee.

You miss me. You regret me. And you can�t have me.

I fucked YOU last night.

Sex just can�t get any better than THAT.