�moving on�
January 22, 2004 � 2:54 p.m.

u>First Entry Today�1/21/04 Today�s weather: Frustrated with strong irritation and crabby winds blowing So I no longer see the angels dancing, and when I close my eyes, it�s getting harder and harder to remember them and the sensations of ocean under my feet and the burning peace that was in my heart�and I am at a loss�for words, inspiration, motivation, love� I am at a loss. I spoke to my Angel finally on the phone earlier this week. She sounds so damn cute�like a happy little sprite�I just wanted to put her in my pocket and take her home!! She got the book and CD I sent her as a Christmas/ thank you for all you do for me/ I just adore you gift, and she is absolutely loving it!! (Yeah for us, Fargahar! Our cult is getting bigger!!) So yeah, my plan is to slowly assimilate Angel into my warped little world through books I read and love and music I rock out to, a bond that I already have with my Poppy Darlin�. Actually, I think it�s a cool idea. I think we should all do it�influence each other�s worlds�but alas�I fear we won�t, for this is the internet after all, and isn�t the whole damn point of this anonymity? But it was a good idea�short lived as it may have been. C�est la vie! Computer Update I am still waiting for my computer deal to come through. Problem is, is I want to get the computer before my brother ships out (IF he ships out, I should say) so I can show him how to work emails and set up an account for him and show him how to check his bank account and stuff online. Once I do finally get the damn thing, I still have to take it to get fixed before I can do anything. Then I have to see if or when I could get it hooked up with DSL in my place. Time is running short, and I�m really starting to get agitated because I have a feeling that it�s all just going to end up falling apart, and I wasted all this time for nothing. I feel bad using Angel as my Dland liaison for posting, I miss reading all of my Dland friends, and I miss just surfing the fucking net and chatting online whenever I feel like it!! This is bullshit, man! By the time I get back online, all will have forgotten me and then I�ll have to go through and try make new net friends and get back into my ranting groove in my diaries. Jebus�did I just say that shit? I really need to get a fucking life!! Jenny Thoughts Okay, this may seem insane, but I miss Jenny�and she hasn�t even gone anywhere. I haven�t seen her since we came back home, and we always talk on the phone like we live a thousand miles away and will never see each other again. Our convo�s are never less than a half hour and if we don�t speak to each other for a couple of days, we get even worse. I don�t know. I don�t understand it. We lived cramped up in that small ass room for a week and I didn�t want to kill her or get sick of her, though my uncle was walking on pretty thin ice most of the time. We don�t see each other and it feels drastic�like a month instead of a week�and we both seem to be making excuses for reasons for us to see each other because we don�t want to sound like we�re obsessed with each other. She told me today that Einstein has been there for the past few days, and last night he laid there watching TV with his head in her lap, and God help me, I was fucking jealous! Jealous because he was there, where I should be, and close to my best friend, like I should be, with his head in her lap, where mine should be. I was joking about it when I said it to her, but I really was jealous that he was there! And could stay for days! I stay there overnight and there�s a weirdness in the air, (thanks to fucking Cowboy who is in a constant flux between me hating him and tolerating him) and I gotta beat it out of there like the devil is on my heels! We never get to lounge and hang out anymore. Never get to go to the movies or do tarot cards or stay up all night laughing at nothing. I miss that. I miss being around her. I miss the way she makes me feel sane. I miss her. We had made a pact, that if we could make it through that week on the ocean and honestly not want to kill each other or be sick of each other, that when my lease was up, she would kick Cowboy to the curb and I�d move in. I think it was just playful wishful thinking on both our parts, but how great would that be? I love Jenny�s house�and her pets�and her life�we fit together so seamlessly. It would be a snap. And we could work on decorating the house and work on getting out of debt and stuff like that. And we would be together. Wouldn�t that be nice? Or would it just be trouble? A Hodge Podge Of Bullshit Today is Jack�s birthday and I feel so stupid for the gifts I got him. The main gifts, some depression glass, won�t even be here for another week. I got him two DVD�s, and the main one, �Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory�, is one he already has. Great, so that�s $27 bucks I don�t have gone to shit. And my brother, the infinite genius that he can be most times, got me the wrong CD case for the 6th time from his work. At least he has a good excuse, that it�s been discontinued, but did he have to go and get the more expensive one that Jack doesn�t like? So what do I do? I give him the one I have (the one he wanted and the one he likes) and take the new cumbersome one (which I hate already) so he will be happy. He barely seemed enthused. Like I gave him a pair of socks or something. I felt like the granny giving the bad gift. And he says I don�t love him? The bullshit at works seems to keep unfurling, even if I do keep my head down and stay out of folks� way. I still get the dirty looks and silence from folks, unless they want to unload shit and then I just sit there staring�wondering how they can look at me and talk to me like I don�t know what has been said or what�s going on or how I am being kicked around like a dirty rag doll. Apparently, those close to me think I�m a bitch and a back stabber and shit like that. Me, the keeper of secrets�a snitch. And everyone is still speaking to me and claiming me to be a friend and shit, but behind my back, I ain�t shit. Damn. And I still haven�t heard from him. I don�t think of him as much, either. I think of possibilities a lot�and not necessarily with him. Just the fact that I am sick of coming home to�no one�to sleeping alone and eating alone and driving alone and making plans�for myself. I am tired of being alone. Sick of being lonely. Too scared to go out and find somebody. That�s me. Contradiction central�and I hate it. I have my own place, a car, money, and time�but no one to share it with, and the thought of opening up myself to someone new just scares me shitless. So what do I do? I sit around in my lonely life, pretending that it has meaning or that it�s full and that I do have people that love me and need me and that I�m free�when really, I�m stuck in a Skinner Box, giving Pavlovian responses to things instead of really reacting and really living. But strangely, I�m not unhappy. I�m not happy, either. I just�am. And I just keep holding on to the belief that every passing moment is just another chance� another chance to turn it all around.