stuck in the ubliet
January 19, 2004 � 4:24 p.m.

Reading- Stardust by Neil Gaimen, I Know This Much Is True by Wally Lamb, and Lullaby by Chuck Pulahniuk (lots of reading!!)

First Entry Today Today�s weather: Bitchy with periods of sullenness and regret Funny how other�s opinions of you totally overcast who you really are and can confuse the person you think yourself to be. Another year is here, but the same bullshit is still plaguing me. I am more me than I have ever been, and people�s opinions of me are the worst they have ever been. How can that be? How do I get caught up in these situations with people who don�t give a fuck about me and I don�t really give a fuck about, but the way they make me feel brings me lower than should be possible? It seems like I can�t get any lower. I can honestly say I have never really hit bottom, because the bottom always falls out just when I�m about to reach it and push off to get back to the top. I remain in a constant drowning tread in water that rises and falls, never allowing me to hit the bottom or break through the surface. It wouldn�t hurt so much if I could just lull in my depression, but I don�t feel depressed this time. It�s just sadness and hurt and anger and the confusion muddles it all so I can�t just rest on one emotion instead of constantly tumbling between them. I can�t catch a break for shit. I am really missing the ocean right now. Totally missing the dance of the angels. I want to go back. I want to feel that peace again. I got caught up in some bullshit at work, which really shouldn�t have been a situation but somehow it turned into one and somehow, amazingly, I�m the fucking bad guy. I�m the bad guy because I had an opinion that a lot of other people have but I was brave enough (or stupid enough) to verbalize it. Now there�s this huge fallout, and people I thought I was cool with are slowly lowering their masks and I�m seeing them for who they really are�and it isn�t pretty. I feel like I�m lost in a masquerade ball where the people are all dancing around me, swaying in and out, raising and lowering their masks and each time they lower it, the face behind it is different. Now, I shouldn�t be hurting behind the bullshit here at Nuthouse123, but I am. I don�t want to be here, don�t want to speak or see anyone here just so my name can�t get sullied anymore, but then I am ostracized for not speaking to people and called a bitch. I�ve always known that some folks thought of me as a bitch because I�m quick to speak my mind and joke around and some folks take shit REALLY personal when I wasn�t being mean or vindictive at all. I�m a bitch because I come in and sit at my desk and don�t always want to chitchat�I just want to get my work done and I�m WRONG for that. That I can deal with. Nothing wrong with being seen as a bitch�sometimes. I have a problem with �friends� warning other people that I�m two faced and sneaky and shouldn�t be trusted. Oh? Am I really? I always thought I was the one people feel most comfortable talking to and can easily ask for advice. I thought I was the one that was seen as the great non-judgmental keeper of secrets. I thought I was thoughtful and easy going accessible. At least, that is what I was told�more than likely by the same people who then turn around and run my name in the dirt like I ain�t shit to them. That�s just fucked up. And that�s what hurts. Not someone�s opinion of me, but the fact that these people who pretend to love me are actually just on some mission to try to destroy me. Sounds quite melodramatic, right? Like a fucking soap opera. Like fucking high school. Let�s do the time warp, again!! ________________________________________________________________ After desperately seeking me while I was away on the water, frantically calling me and coming to my door, he gets a hold of me the moment I touch down. Man, did he ever get a hold of me. He came over, touched my leg and scooched in next to me, whispering he needed me to make him warm, and when I turned to him he opened his arms and pulled me against him so our foreheads touched. Time froze as we laid there, with his face nuzzled in my neck and his hands stroking my back, and as resolute I had become while on the water, I had completely come undone in his arms. Lying there, I remembered why I loved him, and all the stupid, girly-girl notions came flooding back and I went back to being happy with just being with him without actually BEING with him. I was happy just laying there with him, listening to him breathe, slowly feeling his tension ease from him as he pulled me closer in the quiet dark�I was happy just to be near him, and my heart sang so loud that the stars cried with joy. It was Heaven. WE were happy in those moments. We were free in those moments. He let himself just love me�in those moments� in those moments� but as always, those moments end and reality comes crashing back in, and even as he slept curled up into me as I softly ran my hands down his back, I felt him pulling away again. Even in his sleep, he was leaving me�again. Just as quickly as he gave me the hope that I was �someone� to him and that he could finally verbalize his feelings, he takes it all away and leaves me with even less than before�because this time he managed to take some of my pride with him. This time he was able to really hurt me. This time�this time he was able to touch that love I had kept safe from his dirty hands and break a piece off to keep in his pocket as a trophy. And he doesn�t even know or care about what has been done�and that�s what hurts most of all. I don�t even reference him by name anymore�just as him, he, asshole, and devil�never allowing myself to lapse into tender thoughts or notions of him, because I have to leave him behind. I have to give up on him. I have to stop loving him�thinking of him as some kindred soul that understands, some restless talent that remains misunderstood, some father, some son, some friend, some lover, some dream�yes�I must stop loving him even though he sees and needs me�before I fall into a place from which I can�t return�trapped in love�s ubliet forever�eternally a prisoner to his love.

Nothing is lost forever.

Not even me.

I just hope that I�m still me when I find myself again.