still standing
December 22, 2003 � 1:28 p.m.

First Entry Today

Well, �ello �ello peoples!! Long time no see! I have missed you all soooo much and will have to continue to do so as my fascist bastard bosses have BLOCKED Diaryland from our server and I can�t access it anymore!! It sucks ass too, cause I got booted right after I posted the last entry about deciding not to leave and then I fucking have to leave! Since I�m a po� bitch, I don�t have a computer at home�yet�but I am working on that and will hopefully have all that rectified by the middle of January. So please, loves, do not forget me�as soon as I can I will be on the net again and back reading all of the entries I have missed in my absence. Ha, I just might even begin reviewing diaries�hmmm�food for thought. Now for the dreary catch up�so much has happened and so much has been forgotten�but I had to check in and update and leave some words before I go on the cruise.

These might be my last words here for the year, so this post might be long as all bullshit. Thank you, Angel love for posting this for me.

Well, I have gotten all of my Christmas shopping done. I�m pretty happy with what I got for everyone. Monkey was my Pollyanna, and he was hard as hell to shop for. Actually, no, Etta was the hardest to shop for and I�m not all that confident about how she�ll like her gift, but I love it. I feel bad that I didn�t get the parental units anything, but momma told me to wait and get them something form the islands, so�.I guess I�ll wait.
Plus, I�m broke, so I have no choice but to wait. This is the first year in my own place, the first Christmas all on my own, and this will go down in infamy as the year without a Christmas tree. How much does that shit suck? My parents don�t even have a tree this year. I can�t believe it. As childish as it might sound, I have been going home, looking at the �designated tree corner� I had set up and damn near crying every night. Trees to me are like Santa to little kids. You can�t have Christmas without one. But I am. And it sucks. And it doesn�t feel anything like Christmas to me this year. Bah mutha fuckin� humbug!! Speaking of humbug, my momma went ape shit with buying me clothes for the cruise. She even bought me my own new luggage set!! I know, I am so easily excited�it�s so sad�I know. Jenny is getting me a kitten for Christmas when we come back from the cruise. I will have a kitty! Dude�I just hope I don�t fuck it up or anything. I can�t wait to see it.

I wanted to send all of you, my dear obsessions, Christmas cards via email, but I can�t access any of your email addys to do it. So I apologize now and hope that you will all accept my humble message that will have to be generic so it cover all of you equally.

To: Jane, Poppy, AWA, Danny Boy, Angel, Fargahar, Derek, Frozen Vodka, Lulu, Teets, and all the rest of you guys that know you have a piece of me�

�Thank you for all of your support and love this year. I am so glad that I have met you and had the chance to fall into your life through your writing. I hope you have fantastic new year. Love, love, love, love, love you!! Merry Christmas!! See ya next year!!�

You know who you are. It�s for those that have been with me from the start�those who have always left me messages or notes�those who saw me when all else looked away�and those that stuck by me when I was a whiney, whimpering, mess. I love you all and I will be back soon. Please, please, please�don�t forget me.

If you feel like it, you can email me your updates. I would adore you forever if you did, but understand totally if you don�t, but my email is [email protected]. Either way, I�ll be back soon.

Hmmmm�.what else? Well, Swiz is finally being fazed out. He�s not totally gone, but I�m getting there. Hopefully, I will have it all out of my system by the new year. I do not want to bring any of this year�s bullshit with me into the new year. My hostility towards Cowboy has died down, though I still hate myself for having to get him a Christmas gift. Speaking of gift, asshole Swiz had the nerve to call me up and curse me out because I sent him and his daughter a Christmas gift! Said it made him feel bad because he told me not to and he couldn�t afford anything for me. I guess he couldn�t even afford a fucking thank you, huh? I fucking hate men sometimes. I fucking hate myself for needing to love them, too.

I�m trying not to be so mad at my mom and forgive her�and thus forgive myself a little. I�m not saying it will be easy to do or that I won�t be back here ripping her a new one every now and then, but I am saying she is my mom�and as fucked up as she is, I think she does love me now and is trying to make up for the past�and I have to let her�because I love her�and�well�just because I have to, that�s why.

I�m wondering if I should put my resolutions up now, or if I might be able to get on before I leave for the cruise and update. I�ll try to get to Jenny�s early on Friday and leave another update and try to catch up on some of yall�s lives. I hope you are all well and have a great holiday. I miss you guys�I really do.

Don�t worry�the bitch will be back with more ranting and swooning soon.

�Til then�dream a little dream for me!! God blesses�.Everyone.