something...different
November 10, 2003 � 8:30 p.m.

First Entry Today

What can I say about this weekend? What words can I use to describe it? In what way can I sum it up? Hmmmmmmm��..

I like the word Serendipitous. It�s not quite the right word, but I like the word and I can�t think of a better on so I�m keeping it.

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Saturday I went home and lounged around, completely NOT looking forward to going out with the girls, but totally needing to get the fuck out of the house before I killed someone�namely myself.

Around 8:30, I was sitting there and watching �Thelma and Louise�, musing the idea of that being Jenny and me when we go on our road trip down to The Big Easy, when I had a violent shiver run down my back, and I knew then and there�I was going to have to run this one alone. I knew Jenny wasn�t coming.

I called her up and she sounded beat and I sounded depressed and together me had the most miserable, nonsensical conversation ever, punctuated with her confessing that she didn�t feel like going out. I didn�t really feel like going either, but I promised Leenie so I was stuck.

As I was getting dressed, I determined that I was going to get lucky no matter what! I don�t care if it was a man or a woman�if anyone came up to me and said anything they were going to get some play!! Now don�t ask me why I wanted to do this�because I don�t know. Maybe it was the outfit�or the make up�or the simple loneliness of coming home alone�I have no idea. I just knew�felt it in my bones�that I was NOT going to be alone one more Saturday night after the bar.

If I was looking to get lucky, I sure as hell went about it the wrong way. I walked in the joint with my face all screwed up and AT-TIT-TUDE was dripping off my skin. I was surly as all hell, glowering at anyone that looked my way except for my lovely bartenders and my favorite little bus boy, whom I smiled at all night. I saw a few guys checking me out when I walked to the bathroom and my ass got grabbed a couple of times, but no one came up to me, and basically, I barely spoke. Conversations floated all around me, but I didn�t participate. I just sat there, looking miserable, drinking my Corona and Slow Gin mix, huffing my Salem Blacks, and wishing I could just fade away. I wasn�t depressed, really, just in a strange mood. And I was really missing Jenny and wishing she would have came out because the music, for once, was fucking slamming and even I wanted to get my big ass out on the floor�and I would have too�if I would have had someone to dance with.

But someone never showed up, just like I said he wouldn�t.

I wasn�t surprised or disappointed�I just �was�.

Toward the end of the night, I finally started having some fun and talked a bit with Leenie, and when the lights came on, I took my drunk ass to the car and then I did the dumbest thing.

I called him.

I didn�t expect him to pick it up either! I figured he would see my number and not bother and I would just leave him one of my stupid ass messages telling him off for not coming (Leenie�s orders�she got me fired up to call and curse him out in the bar), but he picked up with a smooth and sweet, �Hey.�

�Hey� like he was really glad to hear from me��Hey� like he knew who it was and why I was calling��Hey� like he had missed me. He said, �Hey.� and my mind went blank and I was in total shock he answered. He laughed when I started to stammer and finally spit out a �Hey you,� and asked me where we were. I told him Leenie told me to call and curse his ass the hell out for not coming, but he insisted that he left her a message telling her to call him and let him know when we were going to be there so he wouldn�t waste money to come up there and we wouldn�t be there. I sat there real quiet and then said, �Really? You were going to come?� he said he had been waiting for the call but when he didn�t get one he figured we changed our minds. I said something stupid and we started laughing.

It was good to hear him laugh.

We talked a bit, he was going back and forth from talking to me and to his boys who kept saying something to him in the background. Finally, I dared, �So you ain�t talking to me no more?� And he got real quiet and said, �It ain�t even like that. Me and my girl�well�we were on the verge of breaking up and I had to pull my shit together.� I said I was sorry to hear that�and I was�sorry and struck with fear that I was the cause of his misery and he would hate me forever for it, but he said, �Yeah�so you know how that goes. Pulling my shit together and all. Of course, my car is fucking up�AGAIN�and�well�� he trailed off there and I gushed, �Well I�m not asking for any explanations or anything�I�m not trying to nag or be a bitch�I was just asking�because�because of the way we left things last time�I�I just wanted to make sure we were still cool�� �Aw, kiddo�always. You never have to worry about that. We�re fine�we�re perfect�it�s just�I�ve been trying to be good and focused and talking to you�well�everything just gets�blurred�� I told him I understood, and I did, so we just started talking about music and his daughter and stuff. I was pulling into my lot when he asked, �Isn�t something how when you think you know someone�they just turn and surprise you?� I agreed, and asked him why and who had surprised him, and he didn�t say anything at first, and then he said, �Like you. I talk to my boys in the background and you just sit there all quiet and wait�while most people get all pissed off and try to say shit when they know someone else is telling you something�even after you ask them to hold on, they want to run off at the mouth and then get pissed when you don�t know what the hell they�re talking about. But�not you�you just sit back and chill and listen to what�s going on and keep in stride when I come back�like me�and I don�t know�other women ain�t like that�other women gotta make shit hard for no reason at all�� and I smiled, and felt special, and that was all I needed.

To feel special.

We talked about 45 minutes total, bullshitting and joking around and when we were about to hang up, he asked what I was doing and I said, �Nothing�sitting outside�looking at the moon�and talking to you.� �Really?� he said and I could hear the smile so I smiled and said �Uh huh.� He asked if I wanted company and I asked �Why? You wanna come see me?� and he said maybe and I said �Well at least I get a maybe.� And we laughed. His voice dropped and he mumbled damn�like he knew he was fucking up�like he knew he was making a mistake�but he didn�t care.

And neither did I.

I picked him up and brought him home�and so many people saw us together and I was so nervous that it might be a bad thing, but he didn�t care�so I just chilled back. We got to my house and he kicked back on my couch and looked at me, telling me it was cold and I had to warm him up since it was my place, and I laughed�suddenly nervous�suddenly scared shitless�because�something was different�

We went to my room and I asked him if his back was better, and he said it was alright�it just still got a bit stiff, so I rubbed him down with some oils.

Different.

He called me baby, murmured my name, and held me close, playing in my hair.

Different.

I kissed all around on his stomach and his muscles jumped and we laughed. I asked him why he always did that, and he said no one ever kissed him there before but me�and it takes getting used to because I am the only that he ever wanted to kiss there. He smiled down at me and I grinned back as he touched my face and I mocked out a �my poor baby.�

Different.

We had sex like a fucking rock was aimed at the earth and we all faced destruction! I have NEVER moaned or screamed that loud with anyone before and he was just talking mad shit and pulling my hair, holding me down by the wrists, raking his nails across my skin, and smacking my ass. He kept moaning out baby�s and this is what you wanted, huh�s and talk to me�always talk to me baby�and when we were done, he laid next to me and pulled me over and had his arm around me. When I asked him did he want me to move when his arm started hurting, he said, �No�stay there�stay right there�� so I did. We fell asleep spooning, and every once in awhile he would rub his foot across my leg and pull me closer.

Different.

He woke up before me and got dressed, and I woke up to see him standing there looking at me�that look again�and I told him I would take him home when he said he was going to walk. He insisted I just lay there and sleep and I insisted that I take him home, and he looked surprised that I mentioned it�and touched that I would bother to get up and take him home. He grinned and agreed finally, and I drove him home. We chatted on the way there, and I noticed he called me baby twice and boo once, and I had called him honey like three times. He wanted me to drop him off right in front of his place, so I did, and we sat there a second, glanced at each other and then looked away.

�I�ll call you, Boo.� He said.

�Bye, Baby.� I returned.

Then he was gone.

Way Different.

I don�t know if I just put the nail into the coffin of his relationship or if he put the nail into the coffin of ours�I just know that something is different�

and that�s better than everything always being the same.