funny
November 06, 2003 � 9:01 p.m.

First Entry Today

It�s funny�what lack of sleep can do to one�s consciousness.

I am aware of everything now.

Colors are brighter, smells are more pungent, textures are more exhilarating, sounds are crisper, and every taste can be distinguished.

This is life�this is me�running on low sleep and high despair.

This is me through the looking glass.

I like this �me� much better.

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It�s so funny how I�m now kind of looking forward to the cruise and really getting antsy about me and Jenny�s road trip to New Orleans in May. They have been the farthest things on my mind, but now they�re in the forefront and I really can�t wait!

I�M looking forward to something! Eeek! Call a doctor�check for fever�cause something HAS to be wrong with me!!

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I started a dream journal. It�s over there under �Dream With Me�. It�s pretty cool. I stole the site from AwomanAlone�s page. Check it out! Try figuring �em out for me�any help is greatly appreciated!!

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Funny, I opened a fortune cookie the other day and got a fortune that said, �Friends long absent are coming back to you.� Since then, my cousin Shake called, Satan called, and Leenie called to have a conversation. Now that�s an odd lot to be calling the way they did, each acting as if it was vital to speak to me�hear my voice�say my name. Even Leenie, who usually only calls to ask me if I�m coming out that weekend, kept me on the phone for like forty-five minutes at work yesterday. And only maybe 10 of those 45 minutes was spent talking about me and my problems, namely Swiz, but I didn�t care. It was just nice to talk to her sober.

She asked me about the scene at the Coast with Swiz and I told her that it seems as if it�s ended without it actually being ended, and I hadn�t heard from him since that night. Surprisingly, she took up for him at first, saying she didn�t think it was as simple as that and she could tell he feels something for me�always has. Jenny always says almost the same thing.

What is up with my girls taking asshole�s side and being all optimistic about us and shit? I ain�t optimistic�shit�I ain�t nothing at all�but hurt and ashamed.

Anyway, she then suddenly flipped the script and said that if he was fucking around with my feelings and being an asshole about everything, she would fuck him up. Like show up at his place with her kid and have him call him �Daddy� type shit. Now that was funny, but I told her not to do anything fucked up like THAT�just break his fucking legs or something, and we burst out laughing. It was SO funny!!

It felt good to feel close to her again�instead of a bar buddy.

She�s my mutha� fuckin� Snowflake fo� life!!! (sorry�had to �get black� real quick on that one)

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So, no word from Swiz�which I expected, but it still hurts like hell. Sometimes I lay in bed, listening to slow jams, sipping on vodka and huffing a cig, and I get that feeling�the feeling I used to feel race down my spine before he would call and ask to come over. I always knew when he was coming before he came�and now�*sigh*.

I get it in the afternoon sometimes, too. I think I might just get the tingle whenever he�s thinking about me. A bloke warned me not to put too much stock in that �fate stuff�, and as much as I want to oblige this advice, I mostly rail against it.

Everything happens for a reason, whether we know it or realize it or not.

Swiz and I were meant to come together now.

I just don�t know why.

And I just can�t shake this feeling that it�s not really over yet�that something is building.

Something�is�going�on�around�me�inside of me�something�is changing�

I know it. I feel it.

Funny how the less focused I am the clearer things become, ain�t it?