soon
November 04, 2003 � 8:52 p.m.

First Entry Today

I have not been sleeping well.

This past weekend I should have been resting and taking it easy, but I was restless in my resting state. I could not sit still, yet I didn�t have the energy to get up and get out of the house. The exertion of my restlessness made my laziness seem busy. I was sleepy but couldn�t sleep�exhausted but I couldn�t keep still�sad but somehow exhilarated at the same time.

Friday night I was up until 4am and then woke up around 10am to come to work. Saturday I shot the dawn and went to bed at 7am. Sunday I stayed up till 4am. Last night I didn�t crawl into bed until 3:30am. No matter how tired I am I can�t bring myself to go to bed because I know I won�t fall asleep once I get into it. As fucking sleepy as I am right now, I will leave here, go to the store, go home and cook something to eat and sit up until at least 2am watching TV before I drag my ass to bed.

The cycle is starting again.

That �no sleep� cycle that I seem to go through every year, where I get less and less sleep every night. It gives me a kind of euphoria, really, not sleeping but working all of the time and never being able to sit still or concentrate on anything in particular. It�s usually triggered when I get uber stressed and in my chaotic confusion, my body decides that the best way to deal with the stress is to basically NOT deal with the stress.

If I can�t concentrate I can�t think about any one thing for too long, thus no dwelling on problems I�m having, and so, nothing gets pondered and nothing gets resolved. I will go through this for a couple of months�until my body is too weary to fight it anymore�usually a 48 hour stint with out really eating and no sleep at all�and then I fall into unconsciousness for a day or so, only to resurface as the same confused and lost girl I was before Morpheus went on vacation and the demons came to play with my mind.

No resolution ever�just a pause in my normal life cycle�just a moment stolen to breathe, be free, and sometimes forget it all�

Yup.

The catalyst this time�is of course�Swiz.

I realized that this is usually the weekend he pops up in the middle of the night and invades my dreaming hours with sex and conversation, just so I drop into deep sleep once he�s gone�

But he didn�t come this weekend. Not one word from him. Not a fucking trace.

And my body, being used to the schedule, went into autopilot while expecting him to come.

Now I can�t find the fucking �off� switch.

No sin goes unpunished.

I still dream though. No longer of crusades or battles or vampires�no�no more supercilious stuff�fantastical things�no more dreams with wings�no.

My dreams are all alike now�all alike and all different�

all about Swiz and I laying in my bed, and him holding me close, and whispering into my ear

�Soon, kiddo�soon��

Soon.

Such a ridiculous word to look at and pronounce, isn�t it? Kind of tickles the back of your throat if you hold the �oon� of it�such a silly, funny, childish sounding word�yet�

yet�

it means so much when added at the end of a sentence�holds so much power when uttered all on it�s own�

�Soon.�

Soon, soon, soon�

One day words won�t mean so much to me and have so much power over me and make me lose my mind the way they do�yeah�one day I�ll be free of sleep and love and words�one day�hopefully�one day�.

soon.