pms'n
November 01, 2003 � 5:29 p.m.

First Entry Today

I realize that I am beginning to resent the hell out of my brother.

Everyday I have to wake up, get dressed, drive the most stressful stretch of road EVER to work, work 9 sometimes 10 hour days, 6 days a week, pay all of the bills, clean up the house that I never really get to chill in thus dirty up in the first place, sleep in a rickety ass bed only to be woken up in the middle of the night with lights from the hall and the TV blaring when he gets home.

I work, cook, clean, and pay all the bills...and he lives there...and he pays nothing...and he isn't working right now.

And I want to fucking kill him.

Especially on days like this when I didn't get to sleep until 4am, woke up to cramps kicking my fucking back in, tired as hell and hurting like all bullshit, I had to tredge to the fucking store alone to get US food with the little bit of money I have left after paying the rent, run the food back home, then drive 45 minutes on a beautiful day to come here for only 2 hours to eek out my report and try to concentrate on work with my head pounding and my abdomen screaming for some Aleves so it will shut the fuck up and relax...

sitting here, babbling, rambling, pissed the fuck off...hating life...hating MY life...but glad as hell I'm riding the crimson wave once again...dodging yet another bullet...

missing the fuck out of Swiz...wanting to punch the shit out of Swiz...reciting the quote a bloke I know reminded me of though I tried hard to forget, "Fucking changes everything." Yes it does...yes it did...he fucked with my mind, fucked me every which way but lose, and then fucked me over...yeah...fucking changes everything...and now everything is fucked...

Resenting the sound of sounds...wishing the world would just fall into a complete silence for just 10 damn minutes...just long enough for me to stop...look...and breathe....

stop...look...and breathe....

but it never will...can't turn off the world, can't turn off my mind, can't turn off my heart...so it all keeps going on...and on...and on...

whether I like it or not, until I make myself like it...

until this craziness bouncing inside ceases and I'm glad to be alive and heartbroken in this noisy world that loves to fall in on me like a tsunami to make me wish for death...

once again.

I fucking hate PMS.

I fucking love being a woman.

I want to fucking go home and sleep my life away.

I want to fall into Swiz's eyes and live there the rest of my days.

I just want to fucking live the way I want to fucking live.

Fucking hormones!!