just jack
October 30, 2003 � 6:47 p.m.

First Entry Today

I�ve been really�emotional�lately.

Everything that everyone says to me that�s is said in a tone slightly above normal makes my eyes tear up. Doesn�t matter what�s being said. Nope. I will bitch up�lip twitching and all�and want to cry. It takes everything inside of me to NOT cry and make a major ass out of myself.

And if one more mother-fucking person asks me am I fucking pregnant, I�m gonna molly wop the shit out of their ass!!

I mean, damn! I�m already having a bad go of it, and now folks are looking at me sideways and asking if I�m pregnant. I liked to shit myself when my mom asked on Sunday. We were talking about how fast my hair has grown recently and how I�m always tired and all and she just looks at me and asks �Are you sure you�re not pregnant?� She wasn�t even accusing about it really, she just asked and when I said I didn�t think so, she just peered at me and then shrugged.

Now that was freaky.

Jenny said that it�s because I�m about to come on soon. She has figured that it�s always like a week and a half before I come on that I start being really sensitive and emotional and my body goes through some �weirdness�. It kind of threw me that she noticed that, though. Like she�s waiting for it.

Uh oh�she�s due to come on soon. I better watch what the hell I say!

Well�whatever. I�ll be fucking glad to come on this time, really. More so that last time. Everyone keeps looking and asking and odd ass things are going on and hell�my nerves are completely shot to shit.

Come on, Lucky Red!!

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I know at least a couple of people read my diary that I work with today because M123 was on my stats tracker like 5 times. Ha ha! No one�s said anything, but I have an idea I know who it is because she gave me a nasty look today. I knew that last comment would get her.

I know who you are now, bitch.

Enjoy the fucking show.

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You know�I probably would have walked the fuck on out of here yesterday if it hadn�t been for Jack. He emailed me as soon as I sat down and kept me talking and calmed me down�reminding me that I don�t really want to leave right now with everything as messed up as it is and that I�m finally doing everything on my own and he would miss me. He wrote me something that made me cry (big fucking surprise!) and I would put it in here, but he made me erase our emails because nosey asses might be snooping through our emails and shit.

Jack.

My hero�my nemesis�my friend.

This diary writing shit has gotten me in trouble more than once. He read what I wrote about him when I was pissed about all that shit going on and we haven�t really been the same since. I told him he was an ass, but he was MY ass and we�d just have to deal with it. I don�t know. We�re like best friends one second and worst enemies the next�at least that�s how we perceive it. To me, he reminds me of family. Tells you when you look good or fucked up, tells you when you�re doing good or fucking up, talks about you like a dog when they�re mad at you but will fuck somebody up in a minute if they say something bad to you.

That�s family.

That�s us.

He never sees the good stuff or hears the good stuff I say�just the bad�I guess like I remember and hold onto the bad things he says and does�maybe it�s an Aquarius thing.

The sad thing, is that he�ll never know how much he really means to me because I�d never tell his ass�or how much I admire all he�s done to be so young and how I think he�s brave for standing up for what he believes in. He doesn�t realize how much I love him or need him, even if I am just sitting at my desk quiet and sullen and not speaking to anyone, I like knowing he�s there. I wouldn�t stay here if he wasn�t here. And he�ll never know that.

He will go to his grave thinking I�m some hateful, two faced bitch that doesn�t really like him at all and he�ll look back on our relationship and feel like an ass for dealing with me and he will always want to say things or do things but never want to ask because he knows I won�t respond the way he wants me to. He will love me, hate me, admire and fear me for the rest of his life.

I know these things because I feel the same way and we�re more alike than we like to admit.

So this will be tucked away along with all the other words we never say unless we�re pissed at each other or there�s a crisis brewing.

Thank you for being there to talk me off of the ledge.

I love you, Jack�more than you deserve�more than you know.

I�ll always be your Karen.

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So tomorrow I have to dress up like Melodie from Josie and the Pussycats. Me, Bunny, and Lorie are going to be the pussycats, ears and all, so this should be quite interesting. I�m kind of excited, actually. I didn�t dress up last year, and this year they�re giving out a cash prize.

I gots to go on to Jenny's now. I have a butt load of dirty clothes and I don't want to be up all night doing them!!

So wish me luck kiddies�momma could use a few bucks!!