outside in...back to front
October 28, 2003 � 7:22 p.m.

First Entry Today�cont. from yesterday

After he said that, I sat there staring blankly at him while he backed away and gave me a cocky smile. I asked him what he had said and he shrugged his shoulders and repeated it. �I�m not calling you, now.� I balled my face up and leaned out to look at him and cried out �What? Why not? What difference does that make? You knew I�I had feelings�� I watched his face tumble through emotions and the smile slowly left his face. He looked away from me and then back, started to come towards me and then back�he opened his mouth the speak and then shut it. My jaw was moving but nothing came out and I felt the tears pooling in my eyes and prayed they wouldn�t fall�not now�not in front of him. �So you�re not even going to call, now? You�re just�� my throat closed and I turned away from him. I felt him move closer�felt his eyes on my face. �Alright�if things don�t get too hectic�alright�just�I�m�� he sighed and dropped his hands at his sides. I twisted my face up and turned to glare at him as Jenny started the car. He acted as if I slapped him�like if my eyes had hands they�d be strangling the life out of him.

He backed away from me like I was on fire.

I will never�as long as I live�forget that expression on his face.

He looked like he wanted to cry.

He watched as she backed up and started to drive away, stepping forward as if he wanted to say something when we were parallel to him and his friend, but Jenny, not noticing, hit the gas and drove off. She asked me what was wrong and I said nothing a few times, but she kept asking and all I could manage was �He is such an asshole!!� before the tears and sobs burst from me, and I started to cry just like the little girl I looked like I was.

I told her what happened and what he had said, and then I cursed myself and said I did it to myself�I knew what I was getting into�but I thought it would be different this time�

I thought he was different.

But he�s not. He�s a coward and a cheat and he won�t live up to his responsibility in all of this�doesn�t have the slightest inclination to let his bullshit relationship go and give something real a try�give us a try�and I had been blind to it all.

�It�s all Cowboy�s fault��at least, that�s what I rationalized to Jenny as she drove. �He took the one thing I had�he took my ability to differentiate bullshit from reality�and I hate him for it. I�ll never be able to be myself again! I�m wrong for being a bitch�and I�m wrong if I be myself! What do they want from me? Why do they always see me as someone totally different than who I am once they fuck me? Swiz knows me�he should know me�I�m not a hoe�I�m not a liar�but that�s what he just basically called me�� I sat in Jenny�s front seat but I was really somewhere else�and I heard her voice and felt her hand on my shoulder�but then again, I heard and felt nothing at all. We pulled up to my place and she offered to come in, take me to get something to eat, or just sit there and talk, but I said no to them all, and in my best Scarlett O�Hara voice I breathed, �I�m fine�I�ll be fine�I�m just drunk. I need to go in there and go to sleep and tomorrow I will wake up and I will forget all about this and I�ll be normal again. I won�t care tomorrow�I won�t care�this ain�t nothing to me�I just need�to sleep.� I saw her face, her beautiful face, twist into a horrible mask of pity and I felt so small and so stupid, that I just hopped out of the car and tried to stumble to my door with dignity as she watched me go and called that she would check on me tomorrow.

I went to the bathroom after I crawled up the stairs (from drunkenness, not grief) and I what I saw there made me cry even harder. My mascara had run all down my face and with my smeared red lipstick, gray contacts, and pony tails I looked like a fucking broken doll. It was awful. I scrubbed my make up off, barely able to stand as I sobbed and stumbled at my small sink. I tore my clothes off and laid down, knowing he wouldn�t call but hoping like hell he would prove me wrong, and smoked one last ciggy before the Cuervo claimed me totally and washed me into drunken, broken hearted dreams.

But wait�it gets better�

I slept until 2pm on Sunday, woken then only because my mom called to ask what time we would be there. I called Cowboy to let him know that I wouldn�t be able to take him to the storage unit again (we had rescheduled). He asked me what was wrong and I said nothing, just had a bad night out, and I was about to hang up when he started pressing the issue and asking me what had happened and if I was alright. He sounded so sincere�so concerned�so like the guy I had THOUGHT he really was�that the tears poured down my cheeks as despair filled the room. He knew I was crying and he just quietly said, �Tell me.� Well I broke down then. Trying not to cry to loud as I spit out my twisted story and berate myself and the men I get involved with�including him. He didn�t say much, but he did say one thing that made me cry for a totally different reason.

I said �Why do I always mistake the words �I love you� as really meaning something to the guys that say it to me? Am I really that bad, Cowboy? Do I seem like a cheat? Do I look like a whore? Do I act like a liar?� to which he quietly chided, �No, Thea�not at all. You�re nothing like that.� Then I said, �Then why do guys all think the worst of me? Why do ya�ll act so spiteful towards me? Why is it so easy to leave me? I know I�m fucked up�but damn�why do ya�ll treat me like a fluff girl? All you guys do is gas me up with lies, use, fuck me, and then leave me�forgetting all about me like I was never nothing to you�� I stopped and gasped for air and I heard him whisper, �Thea�not all of us guys�not all of us�forget about you or really leave you at all�some guys are just cowards, Thea�sometimes�more often than not�women like you scare them because you are so genuine and rare�and they want to have you�stay with you�they just don�t know how��

Cowboy said that. To me. For no reason. Of his own will.

He was nice to me, and it fucked me up even more inside.

Luckily, his phone was dying and he had to go, but now I feel like an ass and I don�t want to go over there to wash my clothes though I need to go there bad as hell.

I cried to my asshole ex-fianc� about my current asshole fuck buddy.

Yeah�my ego is doing fucking FANTASTIC right about now.

I went to Delaware and Jenny called me on the ride down and we talked some more about it, which meant my brother over heard us, so I explained the situation to him and he told me that I scared Swiz when I asked him to come because it took the control from him and he already feels powerless in this situation. He wants to have me and his girl and be in control of it all but it was like we ganged up on him and he had to push the blame on me.

In short, he was being an asshole about me having feelings because HE really has feelings and he doesn�t know what to do about it.

It made me feel better�not much�but better.

We stayed at my mom�s for awhile, and that�s when she told me that the Sperm Donor had went and lied to the courts behind her back and got the checks stopped. Yeah�that�s what I needed at that moment�as big ass �Fuck You� from daddy dearest. My mom is struggling�has $70 dollars to her name and she was going to give us $50 of it so we could get something to eat�my mom�who hasn�t been able to afford her medicine since she got laid off in July�my poor, broken mother who is all alone down there again because my dad is in the hospital again�was willing to damn near give us her last dollar so WE could eat, while the fuckwit that helped spawned us acts as if we no longer exist to him.

I wanted to die�I so wanted to just curl up and fucking die I felt so bad inside.

I was sitting in the computer room, and I prayed that Swiz would call me�then, knowing that was foolish, I asked if I could have a sign that everything would be fine with us�I needed a sign�I needed something to tell me that I would be alright�or I�d fucking lose it. I blinked back the tears�tears for poor momma, tears for a lost father, tears for the destructive ex, tears for the confused and hurt brothers, tears for the torn lover and friend�tears�so many tears�for the happy woman I wish I could be�as my mom came back in and ordered me to open the window. I opened it, and a few minutes later�the oddest thing happened.

A ladybug flew in and landed on the table in front of me. A ladybug at night. A ladybug with 7 spots on its back. A ladybug�sat there in front of me.

I love ladybugs.

I haven�t seen a fucking ladybug since I was like 20.

I sat there stunned and my mom said, �Well that�s odd. A lady bug.� She peered into my surprised face and I reached up to swipe the tears before they fell. �Are you alright? What�s wrong?� I shook my head and watched the ladybug flew to the lamp next to me. I turned back to her and smiled as big as I could and steadied my voice as I said, �Nothing momma�I�m fine�everything�s all right.�

And somewhere deep in my soul, a little voice sang me a promise that it really would be.

Until then�I�m back to chain smoking cigs and drowning my sorrows in glasses of vodka as I muddle through the confusion and try to erase the heartache.

______________________________________________________

To the sweetie that sent me that email that made me smile this morning�thank you so, so much. It said little, but it meant the world to me.