upside down...inside out
October 27, 2003 � 6:42 p.m.

First Entry Today

You know...I was just thinking about something...

When I was younger, I was a hopeless, starry-eyed dreamer, but I was brave and tough as hell...I hardly ever let anyone get to me so badly that it made me cry.

Now that I'm older, I'm jaded, suspicious cynic about everything, but I am always afraid and weak�I can cry over anything and anyone until I am exhausted and hoarse at the drop of a hat.

Do I cry for the lost dreams, because I'm hormonal in my "old age", or are all the tears and hurt I repressed when I was younger finally boiling to the surface and breaking free?

I don�t know�well�I do know one thing�

The Fates�those sadistic bitches�have moved from kicking in my spleen to taking miniscule nibbles of my heart while drinking shots from my soul.

Damn them�damn those mother fucking bitches straight to hell!!

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Saturday started out great. We were hella late because Jenny Girl was having a huge problem managing her new hair do, followed by a girlie crises over what to wear.

I have created a monster.

For once I didn�t get into �drag queen diva� mode and go over the top. I wore a black velvet top, flare leg pants, and black shu-booties (what I call shoes that are a cross between boots and shoes). My hair was in these cute ass pigtails that came past my shoulders with red hair accents. I looked like a little girl.

Oddly enough, everyone loved it. I got more looks and compliments that night than I do when I get dressed up.

Swiz came this time�and he brought a friend�which I thought would be awkward, but turned out fine. When he wasn�t on the dance floor, he was sitting behind me and playing with my neck, poking me in the back, or pulling on my hair. He loved my hair. He kept smiling at me and touching it and looking into my eyes and telling me how nice I looked.

I was in Cuervo Heaven.

I was feeling so good about myself and everything that has happened that I decided that tonight was the night I was finally going to ask him to come over.

This�however�turned out to be a HUGE fucking mistake.

First he was taken off guard by the fact that I even asked, which then put him on guard and made him all defensive. When I sat back and pretty much said okay and whatever, he looked at me and was like �So it�s like that?�

Mind you�he has a girlfriend�which is why I never ask him to come over in the first place...but I was horny and way drunk and he looked so fucking good and I was feeling so fucking good that the only thing I wanted was to lay next to him for awhile and hold him in my arms. But he got skittish when I asked him to come and then put off when I didn�t push the subject.

I hope you�re as confused as I am�because I�d feel like an ass if I�m the only one.

So I then explained to him that I wanted him to come but if he couldn�t come then I was cool with it. That�s it�subject closed. But not for him!! Oh no�not for him at all. He was like, sorta pissed because I didn�t beg him or push the matter and I could see the hurt on his face. So, again, I reached over, rubbed his leg, and asked him to come over. He smiled at first and then pulled away and gave me his �come on, now� look, which got served with my world famous, �what do you want from me?� look. He leaned back in and told me that me asking him to come over now made him �feel suspicious� which I returned with asking if he trusted me, which he slammed back with �not at this moment� to which I whizzed back �why not now?� to which he backhanded me with �because you asked me� to which I barely slapped back �but I never ask you to come�I never ask you for anything!� to which he breathed �exactly� and pulled back to slouch on his stool and triumphantly grin at me while I leaned back and looked at him in disbelief while shaking my head. We sat there a long moment staring at each other before he leaned in for round two. He served �why do you want me to come tonight? Why are you asking now?� and I punched back �because I never ask and I wanted to ask because I want to be with you tonight. Are you telling me that you came here WITHOUT the intention of coming home with me tonight?� which caught him off guard and caused him to hit me with a weak �well�I have my boy with me�but yeah�I guess I did�� to which I hammered a �well then�what�s the difference?� but he surprised me with �the later it gets the more I realize I have to get home. I had a fight with my girl earlier and then just bounced and been gone all day and I know I�m going to have to go home to some bullshit� but I parlayed a �so what is one more hour going to do if you�re already in trouble?� and he pounded out a shaky �you knew I had a girl�� to which I served a strong �I know you have a girl, which is why I never ask anything of you. I know my place�I don�t mind my station. If you can�t come you can�t come, and that�s cool. I don�t want to be a complication for you. That�s not my intention�so if you need to stop all this now then we can stop it and just be friends and I won�t have any problem with that. All of this is up to you. I will do whatever you want to do� to which he eeked out �that�s not what I�m saying� and I slammed him with �well then..what�s the damn problem?� and we pulled away from each other again, this time he looked bewildered while I smoked my cig and kept looking in his face, at the dance floor, at the ceiling, then back to his face. He shook his head and said, �Don�t look at me like that!�

Now I�m really fucking confused because I have no clue as to how the fuck I am looking at this guy. He leans in and whizzes �I�m saying, I�m crazy attracted to you� right past me. I look at him and melt, oozing out a bitch ass �really?� and reaching to rub his leg, but I notice the look of determination on his face as he moves back in. �Of course I�m attracted to you! Do you think I�d be sleeping with you if I wasn�t?� I tried to say something but he spoke over me. �I have always been attracted to you, but back then whenever I saw you, you were always hanging with a group of guys and whenever I talked to any of them, they would always talk about you like ya�ll were doing something so I never pressed it. It was always bad timing for us since then. We never could get it right�� I fire �you actually thought I was fucking ALL of those guys at the same time? I�m a cool ass bitch, Swiz�I get along with guys better than girls, though, and I always end up hanging with the fellas, but I do NOT fucking sleep around like that!!� He looked at me skeptically and I rushed on with �don�t you get it? You�re the only one I�m dealing with right now! I wait for you to call me, you know!� I was so hell bent on protecting my so-called virtue, that I totally exposed my heart to him, and his cold reply was �you shouldn�t be doing that. That�s not what I want. Don�t do that because of me. That�s where you mess up at� and I felt the tears begin to prickle my eyes and I pulled away from him and stared at my Corona to keep them from falling. He leaned back over to me after a moment and asked, �Do you want me to come??� I could only look at him and said �okay�I�ll see what I can do�yeah�I�ll come�� and I smiled at him and he smiled back at me and hissed something about my eyes and rubbed my ear.

We were cool for a while�then it started again. How he would call because it was really late and he had drank too much and he had to drive his boy home and then get bitched at by his girl and blah, blah, blah�to which I just said �okay�as long as you promise to at least call me, I don�t care.�

We left then, and they walked Jenny girl and me to the truck and when I stumbled while giving her the keys he demanded I got my �drunk ass� into the car to which I countered I wasn�t drunk, but got in and sat down anyway. He came over to look in strangely at me and at the last minute he leaned his head in and said �are you trying to say you have feelings?� and I looked at him incredulously and said �of course�do you really think I�d be doing any of the shit I do with you if I didn�t?� and he pulled back and threw his hands up and said �see? I�m not calling you now�that�s the problem.�

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I have to go�this is long as hell�but I�ll finish it tomorrow. The tears are already here again and my heart is begging to be drowned in some vodka.