everybody's bitch
October 24, 2003 � 5:48 p.m.

First Entry Today

I am SO the Fates' bitch!

Sometimes the Fates take a break from kicking my spleen in and give me a big ole� wet one on the lips.

Last night was one of those times.

I raced home to meet Jenny so we could go see Satan and them at Mako�s in Philly, but when I tried calling her I got no answer. I figured she was just waiting at my place and didn�t have a signal on her phone.

When I got home, no one was there. No messages on either of my phones. I started to feel the pangs of rejection.

I called her up and we shot the shit and she wasn�t feeling well at all so she couldn�t go and I was kicking myself in the ass because I figured she wouldn�t go, but I didn�t bother to see if someone else could go with me. I called Bunny and relayed the bad news, and being the angel she is, she offered to pay my way and wait for me to catch up with them and I could follow them in.

She really is a doll.

I thought about it a minute, but if I went myself I couldn�t really drink (and I drink to win�never knew what the prize was but winning is winning), I�d have to drive alone (I have the biggest driving in Philly anxiety ever seen! I panic my ass off when we get lost, and I�m not even the one driving. Can you imagine the realms of panic I�d be in if I was driving and got lost AFTER having a few drinks?!? Oh no�not pretty�), and Jenny wouldn�t be with me. Yeah�my deciding factor wound up being a negative because Jenny girl wasn�t going to be there with me.

I am SO Jenny�s bitch, ain�t I? Don�t want to go anywhere without my Jenny�.ugh�I am sooooooo pathetic!!

Well�turns out it�s a good thing that I�m so pathetic because Satan didn�t show up.

Yup!! I didn�t miss him after all!! He wound up being a no show!!

I was bummed all last night and this morning because all I ended up doing is sitting around in my sweatpants and bra, eating a bowl of chicken noodle soup and a bologna and cheese sandwich while watching Evita and Singing In the Rain, when I could have went to Philly and seen my Satan, get an autographed CD, and sit around and shoot the shit with a bunch of metal heads.

When I found out he didn�t show, I giggled the rest of the way into work. Not girly giggling either�that evil, maniacal, high pitch, mischievious giggling that deranged witches croak out in movies.

I was so happy�so, so, happy that I didn�t miss out on anything!!

See�he knew that his favorite friend couldn�t be there so he didn�t want to be there without me!!

Sounds good, don�t it?

I�m going out with Leenie and the gang tomorrow to the Coastline. I left a message for Swiz (per Leenie�s demands) to meet us up there. I know he won�t come. He hasn�t called me at all since the last time we met up. I feel like the fucking plague. No contact�nothing. It�s like I don�t exist unless he wants me to exist.

I thought about what Danny Boy said about the dreams. Maybe I�m running from these guys because they aren�t who I want, thus causing confusion and harm for myself. That is what I�m doing. I�m not even giving thought to finding someone else to love�

someone that CAN love me�instead loving someone who WON�T.

I love him�I really do�

But I think it�s time I let him go�well let the idea of him go.

I never had him in the first place.

I'm just his bitch.

That still doesn�t make it hurt any less.

	Which Classic Book Are You?
Book:	William Shakespeare's Hamlet.
Synopsis:	Hamlet is an atmosperic story of internalization - of feelings (guilt, love, hatred), of people, thoughts, and actions. Marked by indecision and a strong sense of self-pity and self-consciousness, Hamlet makes the slow transition from fear to determination in his quest to avenge his father's death. Oedipal complex, supernatural powers, royal incest, revenge - these are all explored in the play. Several famous questions are posed and thoughts explored - of existence, suicide, meaning, value. Hamlet is just packed with philosophy, psychology, and humanity. A must-read in which you will find many of the most famous soliloquies in all of Shakespeare.
Excerpt:	To be, or not to be,--that is the question:--Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them?--To die,--to sleep,--no more; and by a sleep to say we end the heartache, and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to,--'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.
Amazon:	Hamlet
	Which Classic Book Are You?