swiz swoon #6
October 21, 2003 � 7:42 p.m.

Second Entry Today

I love you.

I just wanted to start off by saying that because all else I have to say might seem contradictory to that fact.

I am sick of you and all your bullshit.

I am tired of waiting around for you to call me and come to see me.

I am tired of not being able to see you when I want to, go wherever I want to go with you, or call you whenever I feel like it.

I am tired of the ache I feel inside when you leave or don't call or don't say all the things I long to hear you say.

I am tired of you not being mine.

You know, I sit and I wait and I pine for you every single fucking day. Every single fucking night I lay in my bed and I can only drift off to sleep if I conjure up visions of you while holding myself and rocking back and forth, imagining the feel of your cock locked inside of me as you hold me down and spit obscenities onto my skin. Every single fucking empty moment that I have gets swallowed by thoughts of you...hopes about you...wishes for you and I'm tired of it.

I am so tired of it all.

Fuck...you don't know how badly I wish you had never mumbled that you loved me in your sleep.

How badly I wish I had never said it back to you�and meant it with all my polluted soul.

*sigh*

It doesn't have to be this way. You could leave her and be with me and would could try this thing out...we could see if there is a chance of survival for the miracle we could create known as US...we could...we could...try....just try....try to see if it's...if it's really love...because the way it has been going...I am starting to think that it's probably not love...no�maybe not love at all.

I think that's where I make the mistake. I confuse sex for love. I think everyone is like me and just can't imagine having sex with someone they don't have really deep feelings for...I think that no one with a heart could just use someone like that and not feel ANYTHING...it all has to mean SOMETHING...it always means something...even if it's not a good thing.

But that's just me. That's not how everyone else feels about sex or friendship or love. Not everyone has the same morals.

Not everyone is as stupid as I am.

I don't want to wait for you. I don't want to attach myself to another guy that might or might not have real feeling for me and might or might not leave his girl to be with me...fuck that. I am worth more than that.

WE are worth more than that.

I refuse to just be your whore.

I say these things here and now with complete honesty and total conviction from the depths of my soul...yes...I mean every single fucking word...

...right HERE...

...right NOW...

but�

I know...I know...

that you will eventually call me late one night, your voice wafting from my phone to caress my skin as you ask to come see me...and I will sleepily mumble my acquiescent to you, already anticipating your hands on my body...my lips tasting your skin...you bouncing the nickname "Baby Girl" off my headboard as we push and pull at each other...

yes....you will call...and I will give in...

once again.

And all this will start all over again.

And I will still be your lovesick whore.

And I will fucking hate you for it...at least...try to hate you...

while secretly waiting for you to come to me and confess your undying love.

Contrary to how this might sound, nothing has changed for me, I still feel the same way about you, I just have other things eating away at me along with what damage my feelings for you do to me every second of every day that you are not with me.

I really do love you.

I just thought I should end this by saying that.