I no longer know what to do when it comes to what I should do about you.

I am confused.

I was so, so, so angry at you the other night when you didn't come out to the Coast to be with us. Angry and hurt and insignificant and confused...that's what I was...sitting there quietly scanning the bar for you...checking my phone and watch every few minutes...smoking so much I had a constant haze floating around me to shroud me in my sadness...that was me...without you...loving and hating you more with each breath late Saturday night.

I went home and refused to cry over you. I refused to let myself admit that I missed you and needed you more than I ever thought I would or could...definitely 1000 times more than I ever should. I glared around my barren bedroom, haunted by images of you everywhere, the sound of your voice reverberating off my walls...and everything everywhere seemed shrink or I seemed to grow and I felt like a giant Alice trapped in a room with no way to get out of the door...

"Eat Me"

Swallow me whole and make me a part of you...let me pulse through your veins and give you strength...let me be your power and inspiration...let me be your nourishment...your sustenance...let me give you life.

"Drink Me"

Imbibe me so my bouquet will zoom straight to your head and heart...making you giddy and warm all inside with happiness and unsuppressed wonder as the liquid takes over and gives you the eyes and mind of a child so everything you see, hear, and touch becomes new to you...let me set you free.

Yeah...I'm sure that's what the mushroom and bottle contents said while she stood confused in making her choice.

At least...I'm sure that's how I feel when I think of what I want to mean to you...be for you...

...Eat...Drink...Love...

*sigh*

You came over in the early morning hours, sliding silently between my sheets and into my heart, wrapping your arms around my waist and existence, kissing the back of my neck and swallowing my soul...yes...you came and loneliness and anger left...leaving me a quiet and complacent mass of puddy in your arms as I snuggled close, buried my face against your chest to hide the tears forming in my eyes, and sullenly demanded where you had been...not daring to lift my head so you would see my tears...not daring to look into your eyes and pour the contents of my heart and soul into your greedy hands...not daring to ask you what all of this means to you...what I mean to you...not daring to kiss you, chide you, tease you, or abide you...

no...not daring anything at all...no...

just lying with you and finally breathing freely again...floating under the weight of your touch on my skin...dancing on the whirlwind of your breath...sanctified in the safety of your arms and baptized in the sweetness brimming in your eyes and smile.

Yes...you came and sanity left...leaving me with the blessed bliss of insanity and non-logical incongruent ness of what is, was, and will be with you and me...

You plunged inside of me and took me to the heights of Heaven and then took me even further still when you collapsed in my arms afterwards and let me caress you and massage your worries away. I sat with my lips rested on your shoulder as my fingers danced along your spine, you sighed deeply with pleasure and release, and I never felt so beautiful or loved or needed then when you slumped against my arm with your lips grazing my skin as I gathered you closer, soothing your troubles away till you were limp with exhaustion.

You asked me to lay with your for awhile and so I did�my arm draped across your supine form as your breathing became slower and slower as you slipped into dreams beside me while I guarded us vainly against the demons of inevitability until sleep demanded my full attention.

I awoke to the sounds of your rustling clothes and with half closed eyes I was surprised to see you looking down at me with the kindest expression, and when my eyes fluttered to open fully, you quickly turned away�only to turn back as if beckoned when my motions stilled to continue in your quiet admiration as you slowly finished dressing to go. Sadness invading your loving gaze as I turned to you and lazily waved good-bye, not trusting my voice to say the words to you�yet again�

�And then you were gone and then the tears actually came�soaking my pillows with their grief and consternation as loneliness came back with your presence not here to protect me and project my illusions on the walls to paint my rejection with happiness.

I cried because you were gone.

I cried because I didn�t want you to leave.

I cried because you didn�t stay.

I cried because I don�t feel whole unless you are with me.

I cried because you didn�t tell me you need me.

I cried because I am so lost in it all and afraid of it all.

I cried because you don�t even seem to notice how I feel about you.

Every time you come to me you have to leave me and I mourn the loss over and again. Each time the pain expands further and the love delves deeper and I levitate helplessly lost in the gravity of it all�waiting for you to come again and rein me in and give life to breathe again.

I cried because I love you completely though you don�t even know it�

and because if you love me at all, you don�t have even the tiniest inclination to show it.