strange attractors
October 11, 2003 � 4:11 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Hungry and sleepy and cranky

Love Poems-Bilal

"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is the knowledge that there is something else more important."-Princess Diaries

Recurring thought-Shit...I am soooooo sleepy...I really do not feel like going out tonight...

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Getting hit on by the same stripper a few times last night, after I tell her I'm straight and not interested.

She then offers me a free lap dance.

HUH?!?!!?

******************************************************

I think I need to sit down and evaluate my sexuality.

Seriously.

I went out with Jenny and I got more play from chicks then she did...and she's the lesbian...she got more play from guys.

I think that we create some bizarro force field when we are out together where somehow we switch sexualities and men love her and women love me.

Dude...I am not joking. Everyone always assumes she's my girlfriend and girls come up to me and talk about her or ask about our relationship, while guys are always checking her out and talking to her and stuff like I'm not even there.

Huh?!?

So last night we went to the strip club down in A.C., and though I was really feeling out of place at first, I kind of got into it. They had some banging music and the shoes...*sigh* Some of those strippers had on some really cute shoes. Me and Jenny sat there looking around and giggling, rating the girls dancing skills, and watching the guys damn near bust a nut when a stripper would put their crotch in their faces for a tip.

It was great.

After we were there for a bit, a pretty blond stripper with some kind of accent came up to me (bee lined right past Jenny, she did) and leaned to ask me if I wanted a "scorching, sensual lap dance" and then licking my ear. All I could pull myself together to say was "No thanks...but she does!" and I pointed at Jenny so the chick would leave me alone. Jenny just looked at me shocked and started blushing when the chick went to her and she said she would have to warm up first.

Ok...so this is the start of my uneasiness.

A little later another stripper passes us and she like rubs my chest, but when I look to Jenny to see if she saw, she was looking at the stage. So I just play it off. Until I noticed that when the strippers would pass us, a few of them would smile at me or touch me in some way, but they never...not once...did that shit to Jenny. So I'm thinking...okay...strippers...just working the room. Then these "couples" come in. I knew the girls were lesbians but I wasn't sure if they were together or not. The one chick asks me for a light and I get my lighter out and hand it to her, but she does that "linger" thing in my hand and smiles at me. I just smile back and pull away, hoping I was just imagining it, but she did the same thing when she gave it back. Now, I was just looking at the chick and wondering if she was Jenny's type cause she was cute and soft butch (I think) and my Jenny was looking quite hot, I must say. She wasn't dressed sexy, but she had her eyes done, her glasses off, and her hair looked really nice...which is probably why she was getting mad attention from the guys.

More guys were checking her out than I think she realized. Every time I looked in a certain direction, there would be a guy looking back in our direction, namely at Jenny. Guys walked up to her and spoke to her for no reason...she even was told by some dude (a nice guy...real sweetheart and cute to boot) she had really pretty eyes. Meanwhile, I'm invisible to guys and being a major babe magnet...and not liking it at all.

When Jenny leaves me to get a lap dance, however, that's when the shit hit the fan. Like as soon as she leaves, some OTHER stripper (one of the ones that would do the brush pass move) came over and started rubbing on me and leaned in to ask me if I wanted a lap dance. I just smiled and said no thank you and she smiled back and called me "lovely" as she stroked my face. I just sat there after she left stunned, thinking....O....K.....

I was sitting right next to a podium where the waiting strippers would dance a little more close up with the guys. Some chick (I'm figuring a lesbian) walked over to the girl that was dancing and starts rubbing on her and shit...you know...they're just doing their thang...until the chick like starts rubbing my shoulder. I played it off like she was drunk and she was just trying to steady herself or something, until the stripper starts playing with my hair and rubbing the back of my neck! I go "Whoa!" and just ease away from them and the stripper announces how she likes soft things and keeps rubbing me and the chick and then the chicks male companion comes over and looks at me and says "Damn mami" and smiles (he was fine as shit, too!! I was way turned on by his Latino ass...ole'!!). I just smile back and pull away...looking around for Jenny and praying for her to hurry the hell up so we could leave, when about a minute later, my stripper came back over to me and started rubbing my neck. Ok...so now I'm freaking the fuck out...getting felt up left and right...and now the one that started it all was back...and a bit more aggressive.

She leaned in and said "You are so beautiful...such a pretty smile...and you smell pretty." (she had an accent...so her English was a bit broken...but it was a lovely accent). I laugh nervously and say thank you and she asks me to let her dance for me. I said no, but she started dancing in front of me and putting my hands on her body. So now I'm like totally embarrassed and protesting my ass off, but she leans in again and says "Let me dance for you...no charge...beautiful, beautiful girl..." and then she starts like licking my neck and near my ear before sticking her knee in my crouch and rubbing it up and down.

That...was it.

I jerked away from her as politely as possible and tapped her thigh and told her I was cool...I'm straight...she didn't have do that. But she leans in AGAIN anyway and I just yank away from her and say "Naw, now...I said I'm cool!!!" She gave me the pout face and shuffled off, but not without the one sad look back at me, and then I felt bad.

Of course, as soon as it all dies down, Jenny comes back. I jumped up, told her what happened, and said let's go...I meant it...I had to get the fuck out of there. The guys sitting in front of us had seen the strippers hit on me and I felt ashamed and out of place for some reason so I had to leave right then before I honestly crawled out of my skin.

We left and joked about how I get all the girls and she gets all the guys, and she was so upset she had missed me getting hit on my like four people in a row...four WOMEN in a row, while I spend the car ride home rationalizing why they came up to me and not her. Not one stripper approached her all night...not one. But they all came to me. And she's like 1000 times prettier than I am. Why did they come to me?

Why? Why? WHY?!?!

So now I'm all tangled up in my sexuality, wondering if I give off some kind of vibe to women to make them just assume I'm "One of the Girls" or if it's just like Jenny said...I'm just one sexy ass bitch.

I don't know.

We get back to her place and I had 12 missed calls on my cell.

How come 11 of them were from Swiz between 2:30 and 3:04?

You know that just made my night, right?

Now tonight, we're all going up to the Coastline to hang with Leenie. I'm broke, tired, aggravated, and hungry...all I want to do is go home and sleep.

But Swiz called Leenie yesterday and made sure we were all going out tonight, so I'm going so I can see him there.

So he can come home with me....

*sigh*

The things I do for this boy.