playing with fire
October 04, 2003 � 5:20 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Conflicted

Live In Silence-Audioslave

My derring-do allows me to dance the rigadoon

Around you

But by the time I'm close to you, I lose

My desideratum and now you, so

Now you have it, so baby tell me what's the word?

Am I your gal, or should I get out of town?

I just need to be reassured

Do you just deal it out, or can you deal with

What I lay down?-Fiona Apple "To Your Love" lyrics

Recurring thought-Okay....how is my money fucked up already?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Went to the bank to take out more money and my fucking account is short by 23 bucks...and somehow this knocks off my estimation with everything and everything from the car to shopping is coming out being a bit more than originally estimated.

Fuck!!!

This is what the hell I get for not listening to Cognitive Thinking!

Payback is a bitch...fuck!

And my rants are now linked over there and named Hissy Fits---------------->

*******************************************************

Well I have done it! Even though my money is fucked up, I have stupidly chosen now to upgrade to Gold Membership because I knew if I didn't do it now, I would never get to do it. Isn�t only Gold and not Super Gold, and it's only for 6 months and not a year, but hey...at least a bitch is paying for something up in this bitch and not just squatting anymore so can I can some damn credit for that?

And if anyone wants to upgrade me to a year or to super status, I have always relied on the kindness of strangers and I ain't too proud to take a hand out!!

Fuck that!!

So woo hoo!! I'm a Golden girl!!

______________________________________________________

We went out last night and got some stuff for me to try to learn some crafts and shit. I was having a bit of fun until my cramps kicked in over time and then I didn't feel like doing anything and my work got kinda shitty and then I was pissed the fuck off because I couldn't finish it right and then I was sad because the picture didn't turn out the way I thought it would be and I felt so artistically stunted that I didn't know what to do or what was wrong with me or why my artistic muse has gone and left me again.

Yeah...fucking hormones are a bitch.

I hate getting my damn period.

I better have a house full of babies because of this shit or God and me are gonna have mad beef!!

(And I don't mean that as God and I are going to sit down to a celebratory meal tainted with beef riddled with the "Mad Cow Disease"....no...I mean in the urban vernacular meaning I will be angry with God if I can not have kids...just for all you guys that get confused by my sometimes urban tongue.)

_____________________________________________________

Jenny's seeming to be a bit out of sorts, and I blame Jack for this and I want to punch him in his freaking face for it. He found out a bit ago that Jenny's ex got laid off not too long after they broke up and isn't working right now. He asked me if he should tell Jenny and I told him no...it's not the right time for that and even so, she really doesn't want to hear anything about her. He then agreed and classified it as a stupid idea.

Funny, he finds out that I am supposed to be over there with her this weekend doing the craft thing (which he doesn't want me to do because it is his area) and guess what Jenny gets in her email?

A letter from Jack telling her about her ex getting laid off.

Come on now...why?

Why or how would that seem like a good idea after we discussed that it wasn't and Jenny really didn't need the burden of that information right now?

That was a really fucking asshole thing to do and I'm starting to wonder about the motives behind it and it's pissing me the fuck off.

Now Jenny is sad and reflective and I don't know what to do to cheer her up or anything. I don't even feel like I should be there, but at the same time I feel I need to be there. It always takes her awhile to finally tell me what's all going on in her head, but when she does finally spill it, it's spontaneous and halting...but healing...and I know if I go home, it will just be another thing she lets fester and eat at her.

Damn...I wish I knew what to do for her right now.

I guess I'll just be there.

It's all I know how to do.

________________________________________________________

On second thought, I am quite fucking happy that my period came on. Swiz and me have been doing it bareback a couple of times and last time we mentioned while we were doing it and it started the whole "I don't trust you" sex conversation we had. But damn...yeah...we have been playing with fire when it comes to that and he never asked me anything about it before.

But he didn't stop when I told him I wasn't on the pill either.

And when I asked him why not, he just mumbled something about maybe he did trust me and it just feels right.

Why the hell are we doing this? Have I lost my mind? I have NEVER had unprotected sex with anyone but Cowboy and I was supposed to marry him so it didn't matter to me...after awhile...but I had always had a problem with it.

But nothing feels wrong with Swiz and we are moving fast in all kinds of directions besides the right one and as confusing as it is it is also comforting.

Shit.

How can something so fucking wrong feel and seem so right?

How can I even tell what should be considered wrong between us anymore?