the desert of the real
October 03, 2003 � 4:26 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Giddy

Yellow-Coldplay

"The man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck and she turns him whichever way she wants."-My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Recurring thought-I just bought a bass!!! WooHoo!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Last night my incredibly intelligent brother remembered the watermelon he had bought like a month ago was in the hiding spot under the microwave. It had rotted and juice was all over down the bottom.

All this time I have been trying to figure out why the fuck my place smelled so damn bad and now I know.

My asshole brother's stupid hidden watermelon had rotted out my shelf.

Come on man!!!

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I am quite happy at the moment. I figured out a way to sneak past Cognitive Thinking and splurged a bit today at work.

I bought me a bass.

Not just any bass either...a pretty, transparent blue, Washburn 4 string bass. Isn't it just so freaking pretty? I mean...I can't play the bass...well...I don't even know how to play the guitar that I have (Morpheus, a beautiful black acoustic that is no longer made), but that's only because it's a bit too big for me and I have trouble holding it. But this bass is perfect. Fucking beautiful...and it sits and feels right in my hands. Ahhhhhhhh...swoon!!

I have just named her. She will be named Cyan...after Spawn's widowed wife's daughter and the purest shade of blue in the spectrum.

Cyan.

Perfect.

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So I will be spending the weekend at Jenny's again. We are going to be getting crafty with it and make some stuff for our places. I will also be taking the pictures of her I wanted to take for her birthday to make the picture to go with her poem. I might let her take a few pics of me too, because I just realized that I don't have any recent pictures of myself. If I wasn't so cheap, and could afford Gold status, I would be able to post them here. But I am and I can't so I won't.

Sorry!

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Things are still pretty unresolved with my mom, but I haven't really had the time to let it bother me. I've been so preoccupied with Swiz and bills and shopping and making mental notes and lists that I haven't given it anymore thought. I just know I am not changing my opinion and I stand by what I said.

Jenny is my friend, my beautiful, lesbian, retarded, hilarious, compassionate best friend, and if my mom has a problem with our relationship then fuck her.

I'm still rocking with Jenny from the block.

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My girl Jane finally came past and chilled with me at my place last night. My filthy, smelly, junky place. Ugh! Why did her first visit have to be when my place looked it's worse? No actually....my place looked it's worse when Swiz came over...but he's seen me naked and I don't think I could get anymore embarrassed then I am when he sees me then.

Anyway...

Yeah, Jane came over and poured her heart out about her situation with her friend. See, her friend is a married guy, but she has been friends with him since school (before the marriage), and they have always been close and open and cool. Well his marriage isn't...the happiest marriage one could hope for, and he has been really going through it. Jane, being the super gal she is, has been there for him and tries her best to let him know he can make it after all. Lately though...he has been really testing the bounds of the friendship. They always flirt back and forth, but last week it got physical, and more than that, if it hadn't been for an interruption...it would have been consummated completely.

Here is where I interject the fact that they have been friends for a long time and Jane has always felt a special connection with him, but never acted on it. She always remained a lady.

But even ladies get horny.

They wound up not doing anything, but it was/is really bothering her. I could tell by the way she was talking about it that she really does have deep feelings for this guy and it sounds to me that he reciprocates them, but I didn't say that. I mean, it's a fucked up situation either way because if he does have feelings for her, it doesn't matter because he will never leave his nutty ass wife for her...and if he doesn't have feelings for her, then he's just coming at her like this because she's just a warm body in his proximity.

See...fucked up either way.

So she has her own opinion and she is sticking to it, and though I don't totally agree with it I respect her views and feelings totally and I proudly say that she is a friend of mine...a brave and strong woman that I wish I could be more like.

I think you're underestimating your power there, Janie, but you have made the wisest choice to make.

You have the heart of a Lion.

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I slept in my bed last night.

Scratch that.

I tried to sleep in my bed last night, but I tossed and turned more than I slept.

Everything smells like Swiz.

My pillows, my sheets, my comforter, my bear...and when I got up this morning and scratched my head, I realized the smell of him also lingers in my hair.

He is everywhere.

And every time I get a whiff of him somewhere, flashes of us bombard my brain and I am so bewildered that I dig my nails into my palm to make the images go away.

I recite lyrics in my head to make the voices fade away.

I know what's happening. I know what I am doing.

My mind is trying to convince my heart that I don't feel anything for Swiz, while my heart is battling my conscious over the fact that it is okay that I do.

I have a mini world war waging inside of me.

I'm not in any pain though, thank goodness. I am not fantasizing about a place, a child, or the possibility a life with him. I am not pretending that I have the power to make him leave his girl and I'm not glamorizing our fuck buddiship or vilifying his girl at all.

I am not letting fantasy warp reality this time.

Reality is that I am in love with him, will do anything to keep this going with him, and am making myself into a whore for him...but I don't know the extent of his feelings for me or how long this will go on or why this is going on, for that matter.

All I know is that there is a lot I don't know about this "thing" with Swiz.

And in reality...that is honestly all I need to know about it.