notes to self
October 02, 2003 � 2:46 p.m.
First Entry Today
Mood-chipper, nervous, and confused
Superfreak-Rick James
"Hurt? You're alive! If you want me to, I can fly!"-Princess Bride
Recurring thought-I need to call him...
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Last night while going through a surprise "fuck attack" from Swiz, he tells me he doesn't trust me when I tell him I'm not fucking around with anyone else and I trust him and I honestly wait for his call...he finally starts to believe me and begs me not to lie to him, and just as I come he leans in close and says,
"You are mine."
Holy shit!!
What the fuck does that mean?!?!!?!
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I have been gathering up my mental notes all morning and I thought I'd stick 'em here so I don't forget.
Note to Mom
You are really getting on my nerves right now, and I don't think I will ever allow myself to forgive you for the past because you don't even acknowledge the past, but you are my mom, the only one I got, and I love your stupid ass.
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Note to Ashtray in room
I really need to remember to empty your ass out because you are full as shit and last night you almost caught on fire while I was smoking my post sex cigarette and that would have really fucked up the mood if you had caught fire. On top of being a fire hazard, you embarrass me because you make me look untidy and neglectful to those who might come into my room to smoke, namely Swiz, who made front of your filth for like 5 minutes while I sat there red faced. Can't you have a fucking reminded beep or something? Damn.
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Note to Place
Whoa. You are soooooooo fucking cluttered and dirty nowadays. I know you miss the old days when it was just me and you were always pretty and smelled better. Fridge, I know you miss being stocked with non-moldy food. Bathroom, I know you miss not having piss all over you and bedroom...well...you were always a bit messy, but you were never this messy and neglected. With God as my witness, I do declare that we will have those happy days again sometime soon!!
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Note to Bed
Okay buddy...I am sick of you creaking and squeaking and sounding like you're about to collapse every time I turn over in the night. We are through. I know I've had you for 11 years, but damn dog, you've had it. I am so sick of waking up with my back spasing out on me because I have to sleep in some fucked up positions just to try to be comfortable. That little dip on the side that sneakily rolls me out of bed when I least expect it has seen the end of it's tossing days. And geez, could you be any more difficult to maneuver on when I'm having sex? I'm sorry, but since I plan on getting a whole lot more dick in the future...well...you have to go.
I'm sorry.
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Note to Conscious
SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, WHY DON'T YA!!??!??
DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN SHIT?
DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!
I'LL SHUT YOU UP...IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO I SWEAR...I WILL FIND A WAY TO SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!
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Note to Imagination
Run wild, sweetie! Run wild and free...
Just don't include Swiz and love in anything, ok?
We really don't need that right now, now do we.
Alrighty then!
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Note to Cognitive Thinking Part Of Brain
Ok...I love the fact that you are so great at analyzing shit and putting shit together and being able to look at everything from every possible angle, really I do. You are the fucking bomb when it comes to that shit, Boo, you really are...but uh...do you ALWAYS have to analyze everything to fucking death?!!?
I mean really!! You're always working, working, working...looking at everything this way and that...taking the damn joy and spontaneity out of everything! Why? Why can't we all just have some fun, sometimes? Why do you always have to hold us back by thinking everything through until I don't want to do it anymore? Let me just go out and get drunk. Let me just fuck Swiz. Let me splurge on some bullshit.
Do we always have to "think about it"?
I mean damn, already!
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Note to Puddles
Look here, bitch...you better quit that bullshit clamp up thing you do during sex and booting niggas out of there!! What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you realize you want them in there? Do you realize I need them in there? You remember the old days when we weren't getting any and even when we did YOU weren't digging it like that? You want to go back to that bullshit? We getting some good dick right about now and you just want to throw it all away? Are you crazy? You need to think real long and hard about that shit!!
Go the fuck to time out!!!
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Note to Face
Aren't you supposed to improve with age? When the fuck are we going to be past this ugly duckling phase?
I mean come on!! I'm 27 for chrissakes!!
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Note to Body
Can we at least try to be more attractive? Isn't it time we let the accumulation of "baby fat" go?
Packing on 27 years of it is a bit much...don't you think?
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Note to Swiz
I know you're going to stop fucking with me soon, but I have to tell you...it was never about sex with me. I always had a thing for you since the moment I saw you 5 years ago. I know I don't have any right to feel this way and I know that you don't care, but I am in love with you, asshole.
I've always been in love with you.
So stop fucking me around and asking so many questions and saying those dubious lines during sex, okay?
It's just sex, okay? Just sex and nothing else.
Right?