aborted
October 01, 2003 � 2:44 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Pissed and depressed

Wings Beneath My Wings-Bette Midler

" I HAVE ALWAYS KEPT THE TWO OF YOU IN MY MIND AND HEART IN EVERYTHING I DID WHETHER YOU BELIEVE ME OR NOT, BUT IF I MADE YOUR LIFE SO TRAUMATIC THAT YOU ARE HAVING THE ISSUES THAT ARE PLAGUING YOU IN YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIPS, AGAIN I AM SORRY. PERHAPS IF I STAY OUT OF YOUR LIFE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPIER.

HAVE A GREAT LIFE THEA, I TRULY PRAY THINGS IN YOUR FUTURE ARE BETTER THAN YOUR PAST."-Olivia James

Recurring thought-Why the fuck does she have to be such a damn drama queen?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-My mom calling me yesterday to argue with me for spending too much time with Jenny, which expanded into an email war or the words which climaxed with her saying she will stay out of my life.

How the fuck do you get "I never want to see you again" from "Just let me live my life my way."?!?!?!!?

Jesus Christ on a friggin' bicycle!!

Just when shit gets to a good place, she got to start acting the fuck up.

I fucking hate her sometimes.

*****************************************************

I found out what that uneasy feeling boiling under the surface of my skin was. It wasn't happiness. It was the sick anticipation of an altercation with my mom.

Now, I love my mom. Lord knows she has done some fucked up shit to me and ignored me most of my life, but I have always loved her. Even when I hated her I loved her.

But now...this shit...she has gone too fucking far.

My mom is a narrow minded, homophobic jerk. I have always known this, but I never really thought about it or seen it as something extreme. She has had gay friends before and there was never a problem there, but she has conveniently deleted said friends or changed their stories in her memory. Due to the fact that I haven't been racing down to Delaware every time I have a day off, my mom has started to develop these stupid little suspicions in her mind about Jenny and me, Cowboy and me, and all of the relationships that bind us. Basically, she thinks I spend too much time around their place and with Jenny in particular. She has a problem with Jen because she is gay. That's it. Not because she's not a nice person or she gets a "vibe" about her or any plausible reason any sane person would have to form such a distrust of another person. My mom doesn't like me spending the night over a gay girl's house where my ex lives because it just "looks bad."

Who the fuck does it "look bad" to?

I am fucking 27 years old, and for 24 of those years my mom was barely interested in whatever went on in my life. I was never her main concern, Darryl was. I was always in the periphery. But she doesn't remember any of that. That's not how she saw how she raised me. She doesn't seem to remember how there were days at a time where she didn't speak to me or even look at me. She doesn't remember all of the plays she never came to or awards nights at school or parent conferences about my psychological welfare that she just never made it to for me, but always found the time to make it when it was Darryl. She doesn't see how she treated me differently...how she still treats me differently. Every fucking thing I do is wrong in her eyes. Never praise...never praise...always bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch....nag, nag, nag, nag, nag. She doesn't talk TO me she talks AT me, and when I don't see things her way or I try to stand up for myself then I'm attacking her. Every fucking conversation turns into an argument. She never listens to me unless it's something negative, and then she takes that and runs with it. Fuck whatever positive or pleading statement I make if I make a derogatory one also. That's what she'll hear. That's what she'll remember. She always makes herself out to be the fucking victim and I'm the ungrateful brat that she sacrificed her life for and I am so sick of her manipulations and bullshit.

I am tired of being her fucking fall guy.

All my life I have taken the blame for things being fucked up...for her life not being what it should be...for not being pretty or skinny or interesting enough for her friends...for always being a fucking disappointment or embarrassment to her and I am tired of it. I am tired of trying to be close to her and show her who I really am when she won't even acknowledge the fact that she favors my brother.

I am so tired....so, so, so depressingly tired of this constant battle between us.

I am so fucking tired of apologizing for being born.

Our argument yesterday morning escalated into an email fury, which climaxed today with my mom basically saying I was ungrateful and unappreciative of all she has done for me and that she will no longer be in my life.

All of this because I will not let her dictate my life to me anymore.

All of this...because she THINKS that I MIGHT be gay.

She would actually go this far because I finally threw some facts down on the table that she seems to always gloss over when regaling the stories of our childhood. Because I don't jump when she calls anymore. Because I have my own mind and finally the life to go with it.

Because I REFUSE to sever my relationship with my best friend.

My mom is willing to walk out of my life because I just want her to let me live my life.

As much as it hurts, I can't bare to care anymore. I just can't. I don't know what to do to try and make us happier and closer...make us like a real mom and daughter...

...to make us show how much we love and respect each other.

I know she loves me, but she doesn't respect me at all, and I am getting to be to fucking old to deal with someone that treats me like a fucking idiot when everyone else in my life sees my virtues and intelligence and encourages them.

She has never encouraged me. She has never complimented me. She has never praised me.

She has never really seen me at all.

Even though I poured my heart out, she turned it into some kind of ammo to use against me and call me ungrateful and send me some sarcastic diatribe about what a bad mother she was and what a horrible person she is now to me when all she ever did was love me.

How can two people see the same situation so completely different?

Why can't she just admit her fucking shortcomings instead of making me out to be the villain in all of this?

Why can't she just TRY to understand me a little bit?

Why must it always be life and death with her? Why can't we just fumble our way through shit together? Why can't we try to be friends?

Why can't she just for once be my fucking mother and love me and listen to me and open up her damn eyes and see me for who I am and not who she wishes I were?

She is willing to walk away from me because I want to live my life my way...

and I just don't have the energy to explain myself or cow tow to her whims anymore.

I am tired of fighting for the right to just...

live.