war clouds
September 27, 2003 � 5:00 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-scattered

We Belong-Pat Benetar

"I used to fear death, but I don't anymore. Now I fear what will happen to the living."-And The Band Played On

Recurring thought-My fucking house is a wreck!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Darryl coming home early as fuck this morning making a bunch of noise and then cooking fucking bacon and shit (which he burned) and then when I wake up this morning..er..afternoon...the fucking kitchen was a damn mess.

Dude...sometimes I really hate family.

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I was driving into work earlier, and I looked up at the sky and became completely mesmerized.

There were huge cumulus clouds spreading across the sky. Big, puffy, white clouds that looked like mountains of cotton laying on a horizon of endless blue. But that was not the beauty of it...oh no...that was not caused the wonder. In front and behind the enrapturing fluffy white clouds, were just as fluffy and huge dark gray clouds that seemed to be etched in silver because of the way the sun hit them.

The further I drove, the more the clouds seemed to move across the sky, and it looked as if the white clouds were attacking the gray clouds.

With open-mouthed wonder, I watched as the clouds declared open war and fought for the right to reign the sky. I watched this all from my speeding car hurtling towards ecstasy and a smile camped on my face and stayed there. I peeked into other cars to see if anyone else was witnessing this phenomenon, but no one noticed. No one stopped and stared and wondered. No one cared.

I was the only one.

I cared. I noticed. I wondered.

It was only meant for me to see.

And I came to conclusion while smiling and laughing at the skyline like an awestruck child...I was happy.

I AM happy.

I still bitch and moan and complain about shit, but I'm not depressed. I act like so much is wrong to my parents, but that's what they expect of me. Happiness makes them suspicious and then they don't leave me alone. I'm making plans and trying to map out things I want to do in the future. I never looked into the future before. I am starting to believe that there is more to me than what people see and patronize. I believe there is more to me than even I am aware of, and all I have to do is look and listen and my heart will spill out the secrets. Maybe...one day...the dreams will even be back again.

I'm not missing Cowboy anymore, and in fact, the whole affair of us has blurred and is hard to conceive that it really happened. Every time I see him, I feel less and less for him, and it's like I don't know him, really. He is merely Jen's roommate. He cannot hurt me in any way anymore.

I don't wish and pine for Swiz, either. Yes, I have strong urges when I really want to see him and I am undeniably happy when I hear from him and see him...but I do not pine. I do not yearn. I do not wait. I am just taking it as it comes and that alone makes me happy in it's own way. I don't need anything else from him than what he's willing to give, which is great, because if he were to ask more from me right now, I don't know how gracious I would be to giving it. I do love him...but I am also realistic. If we ever tried to take it to a different level, we have a lot of issues we would need to discuss and resolve. Then it would be hard. Then it would be work. Then it would be real.

I will gladly take The Fantasy for $500, Chuck.

Maybe that was the change I was talking about...the feeling boiling beneath the surface of my skin. I am happy right now. I am content, though not satisfied, and I think that I am ready to step out and join the human race again.

I want to try to have a normal life.

No...I just want to have a life.

Normal is boring...normal is predictable...normal is...so unlike me.

I want to take chances and scream into winds and be carefree.

I want to be noticed...I want a life less ordinary.

I want to be rough and wild and beautiful and free...just like the war clouds...

I want to reign the sky.