bubble, bubble toil and trouble
September 24, 2003 � 12:59 p.m.

First Entry Today

Blue-Perfect Circle

"I will never forget you, lieutenant. God will never forget you."-Tears Of The Sun

Recurring thought-Damn that cheese steak pizza was slamming!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-While watching "Tears of the Sun" last night, a baboon came on screen and Jenny giggles, "Look...your people!" or something like that and you know what?

I didn't find that shit the slightest bit funny, I got way offended, and my feelings were honestly hurt...and I don't even know why.

**************************************************

There is a storm brewing on the horizon.

There is an almost indiscernible hum buzzing in the air at work.

The women are restless. At least...three of us are.

We are concocting a witches' brew for revenge.

Bunny found out some shocking news yesterday, and I, being her confidant and spiritual guide, and Pippy, the lover and creator of all things chaotic, have rallied around Bunny in her time of...let's call it "awakening".

I feel for Bunny because her relationship has been in a steady and swift decline for the past few months but she was determined to hold on and try to tough things out, much to my chagrin. Her relationship was reflecting the end of my relationship with Cowboy almost exactly, and even though I tried to remain neutral, I saw what was going to happen and felt it in my gut and urged Bunny to get out as soon as possible before the damage done would be completely irreparable in her soul and scar her in some bitter way for life.

She didn't listen.

Now a situation has occurred and everything is spiraling out of control and Bunny is doing her damndest to hold it all together until we devise the perfect devastation for her nemesis.

Oh...how I have waited for her to leave him!! She deserves so much better than what he has ever bothered to give her, and she will be so much happier without him...much more peaceful...so much more like herself.

Welcome back to the fold, sister.

You will be avenged.

______________________________________________________

I am sick and feeling quite restless. There is some kind of turmoil boiling under my skin and I can't pinpoint the origin. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Maybe it's because I just got paid and I'm already broke. Maybe it's because my mom and my brother are working my damn nerves. Maybe it's because I miss Swiz and feel guilty about what's going on between us. Maybe it's because Cowboy has turned out to be the biggest disappointment of my life. Maybe it's because I haven't heard from or found my godson yet. Maybe it's because of the conversation Darryl and I had about sperm donor and the feeling that a part of me has died because of it. Maybe it's because I feel like I can't trust anyone, anymore, though I've never really fully trusted anyone in the first place. Maybe I'm afraid of the future. Maybe I don't feel secure in my job anymore. Maybe I'm beginning to realize that I really ain't attractive or special and nothing great is coming my way. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to write or draw anything in awhile and I am starting to get that lost and floundering feeling again. Maybe I'm unhappy.

Maybe I'm happy.

Maybe I just crazy.

I don't know. I feel like there's something swirling and bubbling up inside and there is just a matter of time before it bursts through the surface.

I have a feeling that a change is coming...and soon.

I don't have a clue if that's a good or a bad thing.

Please God...let it be for the better...

______________________________________________________

Last night Jenny came over to my place for pizza and a movie since I wasn't feeling well enough to go out and see "Underworld", the movie Satan told me about almost a year ago because his friend designed the weapons for it and thus I have been waiting for it with anxious, baited breath. We watched "Tears of the Sun", which rocked. I love war and soldier movies.

Anyway, a baboon come on the screen and Jenny made the comment along the lines of "look, it's you" or "look, it's your people" or something like that, and I got so pissed off that I had tears in my eyes. I don't know why the comment bothered me like that. We always snipe shit back and forth, but I don't know...she called me a friggin' baboon! Those things are so fucking ugly and the fact that she damn near compared us made me feel ugly as shit and I just wanted to fade away. It hit a "colored" chord inside, and it almost felt racist to me. It offended and degraded me and it hurt 10 times worse because it came out of Jenny's mouth.

It made me remember a time when I was younger and out with my cousins. My cousins are all darker than me, and yes, back then, not the most attractive or well-behaved kids on the block and some white lady said, "Look at those fucking ugly ass monkeys!! Who the hell could have kids that are that black and that ugly except for a god damned gorilla? God, be glad you ain't related to that!! She huffed past me and went into her house. I had been the only one that heard her, and I had been too stupid and shocked to respond.

"I am related to them," I mumbled after her. But that's all I did...mumble...and for the longest time I saw my cousins differently and was embarrassed by their looks and antics. Most of all, I was ashamed of myself for not taking up for them...for not acknowledging them...for letting all the things everyone always said about our "differences" in skin and breeding and looks get to me and being stupid enough to believe it true.

She reminded me of that when she said that last night.

She reminded me of how much I hated myself when I was younger and was ostracized by my own family because I was light skinned and had light eyes and couldn't talk street and act tough like they did.

She reminded me of how I fight to be recognized as "black" every damn day of my life and how much I hate the fact I have to do it.

I know she meant nothing by it, but it still hurt like pouring salt into a wound.

I hate it when I think too much or remember memories I have tried my damndest to forget.

The truth doesn't always set you free.

Sometimes it just hurts like a bitch and is better left alone.

Damn it all to hell.