swiz swoon #1
September 20, 2003 � 3:49 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Sleepy *yawn*

You Light Up My Life-Debbie Boone

"Yeah, I think about you. I think about you a lot. I think about how weird it is that we're doing this...and it amazes me that I can't imagine stopping."- Rush

Recurring thought-Every time I resolve myself to doing nothing, someone comes along and makes me have to make a choice.

A classic "What the Fuck?!!?" moment-Telling Jenny that I just knew Swiz was on his way over and would call me when he got to a place where he wasn't sure which way to go and then call me to let me know he was on his way.

I'll be damned if he didn't call me back in ten minutes a block away.

I'm a friggin' psychic genius!!

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What are we doing, baby?

All this time you have been in my life, always in my thoughts and prayers when you would disappear for a while, a secret fantasy that my lust constantly coveted...and now...now this.

Now we are....

What exactly are we?

Do we even dare to try to name it?

I wait for your call. Do you know that? I miss you as soon as you walk away from me, already anticipating the next time you will call and come.

I crave your touch, yearn to hear your voice, feel your body next to mine...your skin accosting mine...your commands dominating my will. I look forward to sobbing my surrender in your ear as I tighten around you and cum while you moan and shiver and call me "your baby".

I am your slave.

Most days I sit and let my mind drift to thoughts of you...conversations we've had, conversations yet to happen, joking around at our old job, your smile, your scent, your laugh. I lie in bed and remember times when you have laid there next to me, talking about everything and nothing while you knead my earlobe between your fingers.

I like the way you hold me close and cuddle me for no reason, massaging my head while you play with my hair, purring like a fat satisfied cat as I squirm to try to get closer.

Whenever we are around each other the air hums and vibrates with electricity and we sit there shy and dumbfounded, nervously searching for words when all we want to do is fall into each other's arms and dive into kisses. Everything feels right when I am with you. I am not afraid or bashful with you. You hold my deepest and darkest fantasies within the dangerous chasms of your eyes.

We should be careful. Things are slowly being revealed that shouldn't be seen or told. We are walking a slippery slope every time I lead you to my bedroom, and one of these times...someone is bound to fall.

But...what are we?

We're not the old "Thea and Swiz"...

we're not just "having sex"...

we're not just "lusting" each other or exploring some "sporadic attraction"...

so...

what are we doing?

What are you trying to accomplish by calling me and sounding jealous that I am in the same vicinity of Cowboy? Why do you drive so far out of your way just to come see me and sit in a car when we could just wait and see each other some other time? Why always the urgency, Swiz? Why the soft touches and dirty talk and wanting to hear me say I think of you and miss you when you�re gone? What's with all the implied meanings and cryptic words?

Are we...are we trying to...to fall in love?

I don't know. Last night has me completely confused now and I don't know what to think or how to take anything anymore. We come together and dance around words and situations, our eyes spitting fire, and passion surging from our skin. We know that all we really want to do is give in, but instead...instead we dance. We rock locked in a tenacious tango, daring each other and challenging each other with our every movement...we are only dancing towards destruction in one form or another.

Destruction of our fantasy.

Destruction of our friendship.

Destruction of your relationship.

Destruction, destruction, destruction!

It�s all around us, yet we dance on oblivious to it, as if we secretly welcome the end of these things and the beginning of...something...something we've only dared to venture in our dreams...or at least I know I have in mine.

Oh God, Swiz...we are in so much trouble!

I am in so much trouble.

You are taking over me bit by bit and I happily submit to your whims unabashedly...but I need to know...is this something meaningful to you...or is it all...

just a dance?

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you...won't you join the dance?"

Alice in Wonderland