like alice
September 19, 2003 � 2:44 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Sniffly

My Life-Mary J. Blige

"Dreams are subconscious manifestations of our most coveted desires."-Hotel New Hampshire

Recurring thought- Jesus Christ on a bike, I hope I'm not catching a friggin' cold!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Last night before I fell asleep, I had a feeling that none of this was real...that it was all dream and I was still living at home and with Cowboy. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I honestly didn't know where I was and I thought that Cowboy was asleep next to me and we were at his old place crammed together on that small ass bed...

and I had never been so mollified and terrified in all my life.

The thought of still being with him and all this bullshit never happening made me...sad and disappointed.

Whoa.

****************************************************

Whenever I have a profound thought or an life altering realization, I just have to sit back and wonder how I survive being so stupid and clueless from day to day when obviously I am one of the greatest thinkers to ever walk the face of the earth.

Awww, come on. I didn't say THE greatest...just ONE OF them and it only comes in spurts...can't you at least give me that?

*sigh*

I am having a hard time of it today, loves. I woke up this morning with the sensation that I was free falling through the universe, experiencing every emotion known to man, lost in a labyrinth that I had long ago created and misplaced the map to reach the end.

I tumbled through anger, sadness, regret, hope, ecstasy, confusion, happiness and finally, resignation.

I was like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole, groping for something substantial for me to latch on to and stop the falling, but too amazed by the sights to get a firm grip.

Let me explain this cryptic visualization I have illustrated.

I was talking to Jenny last night about Swiz and the conversation we had had the other night. I told her how much I liked the sex and just being around him, but it all confused me for me to be feeling so strongly for him so quickly after Cowboy...the supposed love of my life that dumped me for greener pastures. I told her it felt so wrong and superficial and fast...like I was imagining feelings there that aren't really there. She proposed that maybe I was confusing lust for love as far as Swiz was concerned, and I just needed to take it day by day so I don't get myself hurt.

I do take it day by day, and I'm not trying to make things happen between us that can't happen naturally over time...but I can't deny that I feel something for him. The fact that she said that I was confusing things just perplexed me even more.

Am I really trying to mutate lust into love? Am I honestly that predictable and hopeless? Do I always have to want what I can never have?

Lost in self-depreciation, I laid in bed contemplating my choices in life and the reasons and where I hoped I'd eventually end up. I hovered longest over the most recent events that have occurred, these last few traumatic months that have drop kicked me into adult hood, and surprisingly I felt accomplished in some way.

I felt content.

Then I was gripped by a fanciful inclination that none of this was real. I wasn't lying in my bed in my apartment by myself really...it was all a dream. In reality, I was still living at home, inconsolably unhappy and poor, still in love with Cowboy and awaiting the day I would finally be his wife. I felt like none of the "bad stuff" had happened, and I was just having one of my fucked up dreams again and when I woke up, everything was going to be back to "normal"...everything was going to be "all right". I would wake up the same girl I was back in April and everything would be bright and promising in the world.

This thought...this feeling...left me terribly frazzled and unsettled, and I wandered into troubled dreams.

I turned over in the middle of the night, and in that half sleep state I became disoriented...I completely forgot where I was. I thought I was in bed next to Cowboy at his old apartment. He had never broken my heart and left me...had never told me it was all a lie...had never dashed every hope and dream that we had created. No...I was next to him; waking from one of my long, weird, drunken dreams, and any second he would be reaching out for me, snuggling close, and mumbling, "I love you" into my ear.

I had never felt such brazen terror in my life.

The hairs stood on the back of my neck and I cringed in anticipation. Slowly, I opened my eyes to focus on the wall like I always did when I slept at his place, and the sensation of being trapped was so overwhelming that I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. The longer I laid there, the more my eyes came into focus, and at last I dared to glance around the room.

My room. My place. My bed. My life.

Cowboy was nowhere to be found and I was so fucking relieved, I exhaled heavily and smiled.

I was relieved that my life with Cowboy was really over and it wasn't just a dream. I did NOT want him to be next to me when I woke up.

If it had all been a dream, then Jenny wouldn't be my best friend. As painful as it was, I never would have conceived and lost the baby. I never would have gotten my own place and achieved my independence.

If it had all been a dream, then all this that's going on with Swiz and all these feelings that I have always had hidden for him would never have come to fruition.

I would still be lost in a lie.

Not Cowboy's lies...no...my lies. The little tricks I used to make myself believe something that wasn't true. The lies that I told myself that everything was great between us, that he was a good man, that it all didn't seem fake or rushed, that I really believed we would make it, that I was the one causing the problems, that he was meant to be the father of my children and the provider for our family.

The lie that forced me to believe he actually loved me.

I told as many lies as he did. I created the illusion just as he had. The only difference between us was that I got caught up in it...I invested too much of myself in the lie and I couldn't admit that it was wrong and I was right all along. I always knew that we had problems and things were off and nothing seemed right and the words he said seemed rehearsed and the roles we played were shadow puppets of the people and couples we knew.

It had never been love between us, it had been resignation. We had been willing to settle for a comfortable illusion because we were both to fucked up to keep searching for the real thing. That's why I felt trapped last night, and honestly for most of our relationship. That's why it didn't deeply disturb or hurt me when he said it was all a lie. That's why it doesn't bother me to see him with other women or hear his plans for a future with them.

When I get right down to it, I was never truly in love with him, I was in love with the idea of him.

I can finally admit that to myself. I can let it go, as I have already let him go. I can move into the future.

Incidentally...my feelings for Swiz are NOT confused and aren't just lusty notions. I do love Swiz...I have secretly been in love with him for the past five years.

That doesn't mean I will start chasing after him and forcing an US on him...demanding all or nothing. What I feel for him is enough for me...no matter what he feels for me.

Now that's real. That's true. That obliterates all the other lies and illusions I have been creating and believing in for the past two years.

I'm not done falling yet, though.

Me and Alice are still tumbling down the hole, only I'm not trying to grab onto anything to stop me from falling anymore.

I want to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes.