get me off this crazy thing called love
September 15, 2003 � 4:36 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Euphorically sleepy

Taking Over Me-Evanesence

"All you need is love."-I Am Sam

Recurring thought-How long will he stay away this time?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Asshole Cowboy having a fucking attitude with me this weekend for like no reason. He borrowed my car and didn't get it cleaned like he said he would as part of the deal, didn't apologize for not getting it done, and then either ignored me or got snitty with me whenever we were around each other for the rest of the weekend.

What the fuck is that?

Where the fuck does HE get off having a fucking attitude with ME?!!?

Am I taking crazy pills or something!?!?!?

****************************************************

I had me a nice little vacation from work these past 4 days.

Ahhhhhhhhhh...I was livin' la vida loca big time!!

It is so weird...well pathetic...that my life was fun because I crashed at Jenny's from Wednesday til Saturday, didn't really eat anything the whole time, slept on a floor, hung around my crabby ex and his girlfriend, and went out every day and night I was there.

Now why can't I do anything on my own?

We took Jenny to get her nipples pierced on her birthday Friday. She took it like a trooper, but from the look on her face, I decided that the piercing is an emphatic NO for me. I like the rough sex and biting and even get a kick out of wrestling around and getting fucked up...that's the kind of pain I like...getting my nipple skewered like a shish ka bob and putting "rip off here" rings through them is NOT the kind of pain I like.

{{{{{{ShIvErS}}}}}}

After that, I got Jenny snazzed up and we went to Shampoo, which coincidentally was having its gay and lesbian night. Funny how things work themselves out, heh?

Anyway, it's the four of us and after Mr. Fucking Know It All gets us needlessly lost just so we end up where we started just to find out we were right down the street from the place in the first place, we FINALLY get there and as I'm getting out of the car, some guy asks me to marry him. Ok...he was a bum and scared the shit out of me as I scuttled my ass far away from him, but it still made me blush. I was still blushing when I rounded the corner to get in the club and some guy looked at me and whistled, telling me I better "get that sexy ass in there and shake that thang like you trying to break something or I'm a come in there and break it for you!! Oh damn girl, rock dat!! Looking damn good girl!!" Okay, so now that I'm fucking red and Jen is smiling and Cowboy looks...annoyed...and Sue looks embarrassed (she thought he meant HER and not in a good way...no sweetie...he was telling me to rock MY ass...not you), we shuffle our way in the door and I and personally feeling good...gloating a bit when Cowboy eyed me coming down the stairs before glaring at me suspiciously. Like it was my fault the gay guy thought I looked better than his girl.

Like it's my fault she can't "rock dat shit" like me. Shee-it.

So we go in and crash on the couches in the front room to socialize. Now, there were male stripper like guys on podiums shaking their thangs like it wudn't no thang all in the air and when I walked past one I damn near got my eye poked out with a sequined dick so I decided to sit my yella ass down somewhere before I got hurt.

Jenny and Inky and Binky decided to explore but my "Fuck 'Em Girl" heels weren't for taking me up and down some steps so I just stayed in the couch area. Next thing I know I'm chit chatting with the cutest little drunk gay guy ever, who bought me a drink because he said I had a fantastic smile. Well then HIS friends came and sat with us and one just kept staring at me and after awhile he grabbed me and took me to the floor for some salsa dancing, which only lasted like 3 minutes because I had left my purse there. I sat back down and Jenny appeared looking guilty for leaving me, but I waved her off and told her I was fine and she should have fun and once she was gone, a drag queen perched next to me and we started yapping about make up and he showed me how to do the fake eyelash thing (which I can't wait to try) and next thing I know, I was surrounded by more guys! So, like every time I turned around, someone else was giving me a drink and sitting next to me, but my first friend, Rob, got pissed when some guy he knew, Fred, came over and just sat looking and smiling at me and touching my hand. Rob screamed how I was HIS friend and dude needed to back off.

I had gay guys about to come to blows (no pun intended) over me.

So after it calmed down, Cowboy and Sue came back and sat down, totally fucking up my groove because they sat there looking bored and scared almost, especially Sue, who looked completely uncomfortable. So, I basically ignored them and sat there laughing and joking with my new entourage, but a few times when I would look up, I would catch Cowboy looking at me from the corners of his eyes like he was pissed at me for something. Even one of my gays said something about how Cowboy was grilling me and giving me the stink eye. He looked like he wanted to shit him self when Fred sat on my lap and just cuddled me close and rubbed my tits. I couldn't tell if he was pissed I was there or surprised at how popular and coveted I was, but he was acting tre' shitty and looked miserable.

Especially when Jenny came back again and sat up on my lap and I sat there rubbing her thighs and laughing with my boys.

Friday night was MY night.

I was THE BITCH!!

So Saturday, I met the rest of Jenny�s family and had cake and stuff with them. Her mom was surprised that she could remember my name because she never remembered ANYONE'S name, so that made me feel all warm and special inside. When Jenny went to go to dinner with them, I was back at her house trying to clean and fix the problems on her computer (along with checking my mail and shit) when once again I run into bitchy ass Cowboy asking me when I was planning on leaving because he wanted to use the computer before he went to sleep.

I felt the hostility. He had been a complete asshole the whole time Sue was down and now he was still acting shitty even though she was gone. He had done a bunch of shit that it seemed like he thought would make me jealous or uncomfortable but when I sat there not giving a shit, it pissed him off more.

He was pissed that I WASN'T jealous...period.

So I left there and on the way home, I run into Swiz...and his girl. And I looked like shit. I wanted to crawl away and die.

He got out of the car and came over to me and we chit chatted...the way "associates" chit chat...like he hadn't fucked my brains out a week before in the back seat of my car. I invited him out and he gave excuse after excuse, basically saying he couldn't come out, and I just left it at that.

I went home and got ready for the Coastline with Leenie. I get there and we're having our usual fun. Catching up on our stories and shit, and out of nowhere, he was there.

Swiz came after all.

We sat and got drunk (me and Leenie...he didn't want to drink and drive). He went to go dance with Leenie, and she came back and pulled me to the side complaining that he wouldn't touch her or spin her or dance too close. He told her he "couldn't do that". I'm just looking at her like whatever...and she hits my shoulder and says, "Tee...you know me and him never had a problem with dancing close or anything...but he wouldn't come near me. He wouldn't come near me because of you, Tee. He doesn't want to hurt you. He came to be with you."

But he won't leave his girl for me.

I was feeling a bit better sitting next to him, leaning into his ear all close to talk to him, smiling whenever he said anything, even though I had no clue what was said. I heard him ask if I wanted company afterward loud and clear though, and I just smiled and nodded, whispering "Yes."

We left.

We went back to my place and well...he got the full treatment this time...and the fucking reaction was off the damn gage. I was loving it. And oh my God...he was fucking me so damn well that I shrieked out loud and moaned his name while gripping his hair, and in I haze I said the most dreaded words to leave a gal's lips in heated moments of passion...the most unfortunate time for confessions.

Yes...dumb ass I am...I said it. I said, "OOOOOOOOhhhh Daddy...you got the best dick I ever had in my mother fucking life. Dear God, I love it."

"Mmmmm really? The best huh? Shit, you're so soft! Tell me again...talk to me."

"You're THE BEST, baby," said damn near through tears.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm baby! Oh baby! You're my baby. Damn girl! Fuck it up!"

Yup...I confessed my love for it...which in the throughs of passion, can easily be parlayed into a confession of love for him...and when a guy is already in a relationship, the last thing he wants to hear from his fuck buddy is the word "love" describing anything.

Even though, technically...he said it first...and when he said it, he said point blank, "I love you, The-The." in his drunken slumber.

But am I holding it against him or gloating? Noooooooooooooo.

I just replay it in my mind 50 million times a day. But that's another story.

We had fallen asleep all tangled and snuggled together, and he woke up around 5 in the morning (damn those five o'clock morning spasms!!)and tried to leave without waking me. I look up at him and say, "You leaving" and then think duh...that's why he's putting on clothes dipstick. He says yeah and pulls his clothes on. "So I guess, I won't hear from you for another month, huh?" I whisper. I could tell he really didn't hear me and probably didn't really want to hear me, so he looked at me for the longest time and finally decided to ask me why I said that. I said, "That's what we do. We have sex, you go, and I don't hear from you until it's sex time again." And fuck me if I didn't feel like I wanted to cry.

He kept that blank look that slowly crumbled into a confused frown, like he was trying the figure if he heard me right or how to answer right. He turned and put his shoes on and just said, "I guess...maybe." But I don't know what he was answering, and I'm pretty sure he didn't know what I had asked. I sat up and we sat there in confused silence as he dressed, with me digging my nails into my leg so I wouldn't open my fucking mouth and say anything else stupid or bother to try to explain to him what I had said.

He glanced at me, stoked my cheek and he stood, and looked down at me as he pulled his coat on.

"See ya later, Kiddo," he smiled. He hesitated a moment before turning on his heel and walking out my door.

And just like that...he was gone.

Out of my bed, out of my room, and what seems to be out of my life...he turned and walked away as fast as he could out into the night, and I felt such loneliness and foolishness that my heart felt like lead in my chest.

But I tell you one thing, I didn't fucking cry. The sight of another man that I love's back didn't send me into hysterics.

Instead, I laid back down and stared out my window.

If he really loved me, we wouldn't be doing any of this at all. He would be with me...and not rushing home to her smelling like me.

If he really loved me, I wouldn't scare him so much.

If he really loved me, the time for all these stupid dances and games we play would be done with.

If he really loved me...I would know it...I would feel it.

The only thing I know for sure is how good it feels to have him rocking away inside of me.

And that will probably be the only "feeling" to ever pass between us...

whether I like it or not.