backseat confessions
September 10, 2003 � 6:18 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-tired and hun-ga-ree!!

State of Emergency-Bjork

"Your body is so warm and my hands are so cold...can't you help me out?"-Mike Rush

Recurring thought-Call...call...call

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment- Damn collection agency for my student loan call my cell phone (still don't know how the fuck they got the number!) and is bullying me into taking some consolidation plan. When I explain to her I am at work and can barely hear her, the cocky bitch said, "If you don't cooperate, your check will be garnished by yet another company. You can hear me now, can't you?"

FUCKING COLLECTION BITCHES!!!!

OOOOHHH!! HOW I HATE THEIR COCKY ASSES!!

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"Touch me."

I smiled over at him while he worked the lobe of my ear between his forefinger and thumb. He knows that drives me crazy, and as I squirmed a bit closer to him, he grinned and and kissed my cheek. He pulled his shirt up and repeated his request as he grabbed my hand and drew it towards his stomach.

"I want you to touch me."

I lean into him, exposing my neck to his soft lips as I stroke his stomach and chest. He groans and crushes me to him, grazing my neck with his teeth as he licks and sucks on my juggular urgently. I gasp and moan, tracing circular patterns on his gyrating hip feverishly as my own arousal grows.

Fuck all!

"What are we doing, Swiz!? Why are we doing this? This is so wrong...so wrong...but...God, I love it when you touch me like that...mmmmm, say my name like that!! This is so unfair...so fucking unfair! I hate you for this...making me do this. Oh baby...I want you so bad!" my mind screamed. I hate what we are doing, hate him for causing us to do this, hating myself for letting it happen...but most of all...hating fate that it was happening now.

Another time...another place...he and I would be perfect for each other.

Would be ready for each other.

Instead, we have become two burning souls that need to be copulated whenever our bodies are near each other, else we go mad from the denial...the hunger...the primal desire that now constantly shrouds us.

We aren't Thea and Swiz anymore.

We have become something else.

I am broken from my trance by his demanding grasp, his hand reaching to pull at my ponytail to give him better access to my neck.

"Why do you do this?" he asked, implying my ponytail. I shrug and kiss his neck.

"I dunno...so I don't have to be bothered with doing my hair, I guess. Why, don't you like it?" He fluffs it a second before reaching under it and grabbing at my hair.

"You know I like it when you wear your hair out. I like your hair...but you always get freaked out when it's out and I try to touch it. I like touching your hair." I smile into his neck before nibbling at it and scraping my nails along his side. He shivers and groans.

"That's only because it's always nappy when you come over and I don't want you to feel how bad it is. But I love it when you grab a handful of my hair..." He just makes an mmmmmmmm sound and moves my hand down to his thigh...then between his thigh...

"We can't," I moan, pulling away from him, "We're in a car, Swiz...in a parking lot under the street light right near the entrance. Anyone could see..." He yanks me close and kisses my neck before sticking his tongue in my ear and I exhale and go limp against him. "This is not fair," I squeal breathlessly, "Come on. baby...we...we can't..." He moves his other hand up to the other side of my neck and twiddles my other ear as my hand makes it's way back to his thigh.

He jumps when I touch him, and I think that's what I love the most about being with him. The reactions he discerns to me touching him, kissing him, even just looking at him is incomparable. I've never been with a man so expressive and vulnerable with his emotions. He is completely unguarded in the troughs of bliss.

How lovely.

We continue to frantically grope at each other, our moans and giggles reverberating through the car like music. He suddenly pulls away and pushes me back some, his eyes blazing like he just had a revelation. He looks absolutely adorable with his glasses on...so damn irresistible. I reach over and run my fingers across his neck and smile when he closes his eyes and squirms his hips. He clears his throat and looks at me...inside of me...while he extends his hand to rub my breast.

"Alright," he said gruffly, "Let's go in. You're right. And there's like no room in here any way." he added laughing. I gaze at him, biting my lower lip, and he shakes his head. "Damn. Girl." he breathed and leaned to touch me again. "This is crazy." I hear him whisper as he jumps forward to bite my neck again.

I feel like I'm a fucking teenager at a make out point. It's almost comical the way we grab at each other, trying to maneuver around the gearshift and press closer to each other...the mews and moans and groans we emit furiously as we dive into kisses...the squeak of the car as it gently rocks from our movements...yeah...this is a classy moment...getting it on like drunken teens in the front seat of my car.

Again, he moves from me, his eyes jumbling from emotion to emotion before finally settling on guilt. He gestures his head towards to window and sighs, "Let's go."

We gather our stuff together and glance at each other furtively, afraid that if we stare to long we'll just rush back at each other and never make it out of the car.

We make it out of the car...but we don't make it into the house. We step out of the front seat, stand and stretch, toss smart ass remarks across the top of the car at each other, and climb into the back seat.

It just happens.

All I know is that all I want is to be in his arms...be close to him...have him kiss on my neck and moan my name...that's all I want...nothing more. As soon as we get settled in the back, he lunges at me and that was all she wrote.

We wrestle around the back seat, mainly with him trying to get his hand in my pants and me pushing it away, protesting that we are in a car. Making out is one thing, but actually fucking is another.

He is so deliciously demanding, pulling me this way and that, gripping me hard, yanking at my hair...all a sweet diversionary tactic because next thing I know, my pants are off. Before I can protest, he pushes me back situates himself between my legs smiling at me. I open my mouth to protest, but with one smooth motion, he slides inside of me and I moan with pleasure.

So long...so long...so long....

It has been so long since I was in his arms, mashed against him as he pumps inside of me, calling me baby, imploring me to talk to him. It had been so terribly long since I had felt this feeling...this uncontrollable lust and shameless exigency. It had been so long since I had wanted anyone as bad as I wanted and coveted him.

So long since I had felt so much love inside.

He rides me hard and fast as we spit obscenities at each other, only sporadically broken with him growling and purring "Oh baby" at me when I pull his hair and grab his ass to push him in deeper. The whole car is noticeably rocking now, but I don't care...I don't care...I just want to feel him plunging inside of me...his skin molesting my skin...his tongue raping my mouth...yes...all I care about is this moment here with him, far away from everything that wants to keep us apart...

I shriek and hold him close as I come and he laughs low and continues to pump away, jubilant as he hears me beg him not to stop and go harder...

to crush me, abuse me, bruise me.

We slouch on the seat in enchantment when it' over...staring at the fogged up windows, laughing and holding hands. I smoke a ciggy and watch him fall asleep.

He is beautiful when he sleeps. The most painfully beautiful thing I have ever seen. So boyish, so fragile, so ethereal...

He turns to snuggle next to me and I arrange myself comfortably and hold him in my arms. I let him rest.

I let myself have this moment.

After awhile I shake him to wake him, and he stirs drowsily. I tell him he has to go. He shakes his head, with his eyes still closed.

"No...stay with me," he says as he rolls his head to the side. "Don't want to leave you," he says as he lazily turns to me and pulls me close. "Touch me," he says as he places my hand on his stomach. "I love you, The-The," he breathes quietly against my cheek.

I stiffen and sit there, waiting for him to pull away embarrassed, but he just slides his hand under my shirt and rests there. Tears well up in my eyes and spill down my cheeks.

That was the last thing I wanted to hear right now.

I lay against his chest and his arms tighten around me and he kisses my forehead.

"I love you too, Swiz" I whispered to his heart.

That was the last thing I wanted to say right now.

I fall into half-sleep visions to the sound of his heartbeat.