fading
September 03, 2003 � 8:13 p.m.

Third Entry Today

Mood-H.A.P.P.Y

Say Hello To Heaven-Temple Of The Dog

"You look 100% better when I can't see you."-Lolita

Recurring thought-Loving the new layout!

A classic "What the Fuck?!!?" moment-Neangel tried her little heart out trying to tell me what to do and how to do it as far as changing the set up of my page step by step.

I still don't know how I did it...or if I will be able to do it again, being the special little idiot only I can be.

This was a total fluke.

But flukes are a good thing!!

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OK....first and foremost, I'd like to give props to my Web Angel for risking life and limb while trying to teach my stupid ass how to configure my diary page so it's not as cluttered. I don't know what the fuck I did or how I did it, but thanks so much for helping me.

YOU DA BOMB GIRL!!!!

Well, life has slowed down bit for me. I would like to say I have been able to put all of the Cowboy bullshit behind me, but I haven't. Not him really, actually...not him at all. It's the baby thing.

Losing the baby cost me part of my soul.

The little confession I got from him the other day didn't help any. I mean, when I sit down and think about it, it's fucked up that me losing the one thing I want more than anything has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

If I wouldn't have lost the baby and told him about it, he would have come back to me...I know he would have...it's just his nature. And I would have been living a fucking lie. I would have been living with someone that I loved with everything inside of me and he would have felt nothing for me but contempt for trapping him. He didn't love me and God knew it, so instead of fucking up three lives for the rest of our lives, he just fucked up mine.

Doesn't seem like a fair trade off to me.

I have the memories of loving him, of changing my life for him, for letting him in and letting go for the first time...I still have the dreams and hopes lingering inside for a home and a family and happiness...and I will always carry the vision of all that blood...of that pain...the emptiness of losing my baby will never fade away or get easier in time, because all of it...everything I believed in and wanted has been forever tainted by him.

With a blink, he turned it all into the biggest mistake of my life and made me the biggest asshole alive because I was too stupid to realize it.

Yet...I am willing to forgive him.

Yet...I will be the bigger person.

I am better than he could ever be. I am stronger because of him and what he did to me. I am in a place in life because he shoved me screaming and kicking here. I will move on and I will love someone that deserves it and I will become the woman I have always wanted to be.

I will be free.

Yet...I can't do that without him being in my life.

I need him to be in my periphery as a constant reminder of just how stupid and blind love can make you. To remind me how much love fucks you up in the head. To remind me that MY hopes, MY needs, and MY dreams are never again to be compromised. To remind me to never...ever...be that foolish again.

But mainly I want him him my life so he will be an inspiration to me...a constant reminder that he hurt me worse than ANYONE has ever managed to hurt me and I survived him...even managed to forgive him.

He is living proof to all that know me and know our story, of what a phenomenal woman I truly am.

Pain is temporary, but cowardice is forever.

I am not afraid of anything anymore.

I am just waiting for the pain

to fade.