leaving neverland
September 02, 2003 � 4:38 p.m.
First Entry Today
Silly of Me-Denise Williams
"I told he was trixie. I told you he was false."-The Two Towers
Recurring thought-Need to get laid, dude. So very, very, badly.
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Bonding with Cowboy but forgetting what was said almost right after it was said, but I swear to God that asshole told me he was never in love with me and now I'm pissed the fuck off even though I don't know if I should be pissed the fuck off or if I am just remembering the wrong thing or what!!!
As confused as that came out is as confused as I feel. Pity me.
FOR TODAY'S "WHAT THE FUCK?!!?" RANT, GO HERE
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Ahhhhhh....I feel the anticipation, my friends. You are wondering what happened at the barbecue. Did Thea snap? Did she start a fight? Was she cutting her eyes? Was she being a bitch and saying smart ass commments? Did she burst into tears and run from the scene screaming how much she wanted to die into the night?
Well...it was quite boring, actually.
I was a good girl.
I get all gussied up and go over to Jenny's in a cute skirt set and my curly afro puffs and my Egyptian eyes and sulky lips and when I get there, Sue answers the door. The look on her face was priceless. She didn't look upset or pissed or anything...she just look surprised...and I could almost see "So this is Thea" flash across her face, just like I'm sure "So this is Sue" flashed across mine.
I brought my box in and felt grossly over dressed as I saw what everyone else had on. Cowboy wasn't there. He had went to the store for ice. So Sue and I stood in the kitchen awkwardly looking at each and glancing away. She seemed...I don't know...afraid I guess is the best word...of me. That made me like her. She knew to respect me. Gotta give a bitch cool points for that.
But then I was nervous. Not because of her or anything, but because I felt like I stood out with my outfit and all, so I stayed in the kitchen. Cowboy came home and she went out to greet him and kept him out front for like 5 minutes before he came in and when he came into the kitchen he smiled at me and looked away...then looked back at me and smiled again saying and over cheerful "Hey!! You look nice!" and that was all I needed. I was fine.
It kind of irked me the way she followed him everywhere...but I understood why. And there was another time we were stuck together and I said, "He was so nervous about this. He thought I was going to cut you or something. He thinks I'm psycho" I laughed, obviously joking, but she got this look of terror on her face and she said "He does? He never said anything like that about you...he always said how great..." and then she stops and looks away. I smile at her, feeling bad that she didn't realize I was playing and said I was kidding to her. She smiled and laughed, and fuck me if I really didn't start to like her. She looked embarrassed for almost telling me how great he thought I was (I mean come on...even a blind person can see how fucking great I am). I just had to say something though...and it looked like it bothered her, but I really don't give a fuck, because the line was drawn in the sand and unless I erase it, she better not step any further. It had to be done. I said, "See...it's not bad. It's all good. We're all cool, and shit. As long as you don't have a problem with me and him being friends then there'll be no problems. As long as you realize that he's my boy...MY Cowboy and will always be my Cowboy...and respect the fact that I will respect you and your relationship with him and not try to come between that, then everything is love, feel me?" I don't know, for reason I got "black" on her and my whole demeanor had changed and I just leaned across the table and looked her in the face as I said it to her to get my point across. She said, "Aw no....it's cool. I understand." and she tried to look cool, but I saw that scared look scamper across her face. I smiled sweetly at her and she smiled back and that was that.
I said my piece...and now I'm done.
We...Cowboy, Sue, and me, ended up getting shit faced drunk together. I corrupted her into slamming down vodka shots while we were eating smores. By the time the vodka and alize was gone, we were so fucked up but still so thristy that we drank an entire bottle of banana rum and some root beer schnappes.
Little sidenote here kiddies....NEVER MIX LIQUORS LIKE THAT. YOU WILL WAKE UP NOT KNOWING WHERE YOU ARE OR HOW YOU GOT THERE...HELL...YOU WILL FORGET WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE FOR A MOMENT WHEN YOU TRY TO WAKE UP. MIXING THOSE LIQUORS IS VERY DAMNGEROUS AND YOU WILL BE SICK FOR ALMOST THE ENTIRE NEXT DAY.
Apparently, in my drunken stupor, I poured my heart out to Jenny about not being pregnant and how afarid I am that I might never have a baby. I remember none of this. I am just glad that no one else saw or heard me.
Drinking is bad, ummm hmmmmm.
Yesterday I went to go visit my mom and dad and she gave me my new TV, which looks awsome in my home I might add. I can't wait to go home and watch "The Two Towers" on it again.
When we were leaving, she stood on her step, looking so small and so fragile as she waved at us and told us to take care of each other. I glanced back at her one more time as we pulled off and the thought came to me and brought a tear to my eye..."One day she will be gone."
I have wasted so much time and energy on stupid things that I never give weight to things I should. One day, the people I love, for one reason or another, are bound to be gone and I will be left with only me. I need to fall in love with myself for once and for all....then when that day comes, my reflection will bring a smile instead of tears.
It's time for Wendy lady to leave Neverland and grow up.