cowboy convo#20
August 30, 2003 � 2:13 a.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Magenta

Anywhere I Roam-Metallica

"You are a piece of my soul."-Ben Kirkley

Recurring thought-Nothing is ever what you think it will be

A classic "What the Fuck?!!?" moment-Going to Sam's to get stuff for the barbeque and them telling me my card is no longer valid because they dropped all secondaries a year ago.

Uh, hello....I got the card a year ago and my mom updated and paid for my membership like 4 months ago.

Fucking idiots...I just used the card last month!!!!

Assholes.

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Wow.

Today was just...

Wow.

So many times I dreamt about us talking like that...imagining it over and over until it became a memory that never was...but never in my wildest dreams did it go like that.

Never did I feel like I wanted to punch you and kiss you at the same time...but at the end of it all...we found something we had lost...

Each Other.

I was a bit sad to hear how much you like Sue at first. I was wounded at how you described how you felt about her and said you have never felt that way before. I was sad, hurt, and angry until we talked about us.

And then...like magic...all the hurt went away.

You are happy now, something you were not really with me...something I didn't have the power to make you be, because with me...you still wanted to grip the chaos.

With her...with her you want to grip life.

I honestly believe I have a small part in that.

It was weird to hear you say you still loved me. Not at all how I thought it would feel...because it was so discomfitting to hear you say basically that you loved her more in the same breath.

You were the love of my life...but I was not yours. She makes you feel how you made me feel.

She makes you want to be a better man.

I made you feel like a lesser one.

You made me believe I deserved a better life.

Isn't that ironic...don't you think?

We all tumbled and jumbled together as broken fragments but somehow walked out of it whole.

We are trying to become the people we always wanted to be.

You told me I am a piece of your soul. You told me that it wasn't my fault that things didn't work out...that you just weren't ready in life for me and you had rushed yourself into believing you were. You told me that whatever man I end up with will be the luckiest man in the world, and you mean that with all your heart. You told me you wanted me to always be your friend because we share something that no one else can understand or touch...not even Sue.

You told me I was and always will be your Bonnie.

Your Bonnie.

Thank you...thank you so much for saying that.

Thank you for helping me say good bye to what was and hello to what will be.

A friendship deep and binding...transcendental.

My soul mate.

Thank you for teaching me things and showing me that there is so much more to life than the narrow view I had walked around with all my life.

But most of all, Cowboy...above all else...thank you for loving me.

Thank you for being in my life.

Thank you for saving me.

You are and more than likely always will be the love of my life, I admit that readily...and every man from now on will probably be second to you...and not because I am in love with you...no.

But because you were the first to come into my life and show me that the cage door had always been open.

That I had always been free and just hadn't known it.

Thank you for showing me the way.

You are my hope, Cowboy.

No matter what, you will be with me always.

Today was the best day of my life...the best talk we ever had...and I am secure in knowing we will have days like this for years to come.

Together...yet apart.

I love you, Clyde, in all ways and unconditionally.

Thank you for being my friend.

I wish you love.