cowboy convo#19
August 28, 2003 � 7:46 p.m.

Third Entry Today

Mood-Sleepy and irritable

Die My Darling-The Misfits

"Are you content with me, baby?"

"No, not content. I am the happiest I've ever been with you."-Comments between Ben Kirkley and me

Recurring thought-Dude...I need food. Now.

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-My car momentarily falling out of gear this morning while I'm driving to work.

Is that what they mean by transmission slipping? Beacuse if so, those assholes that worked on Sylivie said there was nothing wrong with that!!

DUDE!!!

For today's "What the Fuck!?!?" rant, go here!!!!

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Well hello there, love.

Here we are again....attracting and repelling...inhaling and expelling...merging and dissecting...pulling it all together and watching as it falls all apart.

Yes...that is us...contradiction personafied.

The day is coming closer.

Are you starting to get nervous?

You say you don't mind if I'm there as long as I don't mind seeing ya'll together, but I have a feeling that a small part of you is a wee bit uneasy.

Should you be?

Hmmmmm....maybe.

You'll have two women floating around you that know your secrets. Two women that have laid with you, have had you inside them, gave you control, gave you their secrets...two women that love you.

Someone is bound to get some feelings hurt or agitated in some way out of you, me, and she.

I know you probably believe that it will be me. I don't know about that one, Cowboy. I truly believe that it WON'T be me that will be uneasy by the end of the night.

I feel...eerily calm. I mean, I know it's going to be weird and sometimes tough to be around you two, but I'm not freaking like I was. I always act like everything is life and death when it comes to you, to us, but not anymore.

I heard you...the other morning on the phone with her...I heard you say it.

"I love you, baby."

As much as I wanted to become hysterical and panic and cry, something inside of me wouldn't let me. Instead of trying to hold on tighter to memories of you when I heard you say that, I felt myself letting you go.

I didn't shed one tear.

I felt no huge sense of loss.

I didn't feel like the loser in this competition anymore.

I didn't feel like I wanted to die.

I just felt...relief.

It's true, the naive part of me that still harbored hope in you...your promises...our future, was hurt when I heard it. She felt betrayed and bewildered and lost. So when I let you go...

I let her go right on with you.

Does this mean I don't love you anymore?

Of course not, silly.

We both know a small piece of me will always love you, and even though you'd deny it, I know that gives you some sense of comfort.

What this means, is that I have let "Relationship Cowboy" go. Don't worry...I still have a firm grip on "Friendship Cowboy" and "Dream Jamin". They ain't going nowhere just yet. I still have "that hope" in them that I used to have in "Relationship Cowboy".

Yes, I admit it, I still have "that hope" you gave me.

Hoping for a binding friendship, undying loyalty, unyeliding passion, and unmeasurable love.

Yes...I still want those things...still believe in those things...

I just don't want them from you anymore.

So, at ease, Cowboy. Don't worry about me flipping out or crying or sitting in a corner looking like I'm about to slit someone's throat.

I will not do you or Sue any harm or cause any discomfort.

If you need a "reason" for my calm...well...hmmm...I guess you could say I take comfort in the fact that I "know" more than she does, as far as you're concerned.

Yes...we have more secrets...don't we suga?

There will always be something binding us whether we like it or not.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Comforted in knowing I will always "be there?"

Luckily..it comforts me too.

I wrote this for you. It's not the best...but it describes what happened.

I heard you say "I love you, baby"

while in that luscious world between sleep and awake.

For I moment I believed you were sleeping next to me again

and when I saw that you weren't, I thought my soul would break.

I thought that I would always be the only "baby"...

thought that part of you would always care.

It never occured to me that we would both move on from each other

or that the bond that we share would no longer be there.

I heard you tell her "I love you, baby"

and instinctively I whispered back, "I love you, too."

I know that you are gone and you crave to love another,

but part of me will always be hopelessly in love with you.

I guess that says it...not eloquent but it gets the point across.

Be happy for me, Cowboy.

I wish you love.