closure, the other white meat
August 28, 2003 � 12:57 a.m.

Second Entry Today or technically The First Entry Of Tomorrow

Mood-Bored as shit

Love Ridden-Fiona Apple

"At no matter what the price, you can not walk away from love."-Original Sin

Recurring thought-What am I doing here?

A couple of classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moments-Sitting here and I can't see Mars to save my fucking life because the sky is too overcast.

A fucking phenomenon and I'm missing it because it's cloudy?!!

Damn!!

Sitting here all alone waiting for Jenny to get home and this place is giving me the heebie jeebies. all I want to do is sleep but I don't want to close my eyes.

Man...if she doesn't come home soon I am so screwed!!!

Sometimes, I really wish I wasn't such a pussy.

***************************************************

So here I am...all alone at Jenny's house without a car to escape even if I wanted to. Cowboy took my car to work and Jenny hasn't gotten back from the shore yet.

Why am I here, then? Good question...glad you asked.

Some chick came to visit Jenny that is really wacked out and skeeves Jenny out to the enth degree. I came over yesterday to run interference, and I have to say, I'm glad I did.

Somthing about that chick makes me really uneasy.

Well, Jenny thought she would be cool with Cowboy here tonight, but he had to go to work so we came up with the brilliant plan of me coming over, letting him use my car, and when they got home I would just say I stayed because he has my car.

Seems simple enough, doesn't it?

Well fuck you, because it's not.

I'm here all alone, sleepy as hell but scared and bored at the same time. I've never been here all alone at night for so long before and every little noise has me freaking the fuck out. I really want to get my stank ass into the shower but...well..I'm sure I'm not the only one that watches(well peeks at) scarey movies so you can guess why that ain't happening. Even the pets are over here bored as hell. Peep is sitting here staring at me type and lady keeps sighing at my feet. Poor babies. I am a poor replacement for mommy and they know it.

Wosrt of all, I keep running outside in hopes of catching a glimpse of Mars, the closest it's been in like ever...something that will NEVER happen again in my lifetime, and I can't see it because it's so cloudy around here. Maybe if I had my car I could drive somewhere to see it....but no...Cowboy has my car and I'm stuck here bored and scared witless.

*sigh*

One good thing has happened today. Well, something weird happened first and then something good.

I think...me and Cowboy...bonded.

Sorta.

Ok...weird thing first.

I woke up this morning to Jenny cuddled behind me (awwwwwwww) and sounds of Cowboy in the bathroom. It was sooooo weird. I hadn't heard them in so long and it put me off a bit, but then I drifted back to sleep. I was then jolted awake by his voice saying, "Hey baby". It sounded so close I honestly lost it for a second and thought HE was behind me and we were back in his old room in his old place and I thought I was just woken up from what had all been a dream.

I turn and look and I was confused that it wasn't him and then I said out loud, "Oh yeah. That's right." I laid back down and heard his voice drifting through the room. He was using THAT voice, which made me smile, but then he ended by saying (at least this is what I thought I heard) "I love you, baby. bye"

Wow.

I thought I would be sad to hear that, and I admit, I was a little bit, but then that Fiona Apple song, "Love Ridden", wafted into my head...

No...not "baby" anymore

If I need you I'll just use your simple name

Only kisses on the cheek from now on

And in a little while, we'll only have to wave....

And that was that. I drifted back into dreams with that song playing in my mind and I just let the pain go.

I don't know why I thought I would always be "baby" to him...I'm nothing else, so why would I be that?

I went through my day, strangely comforted and haunted by that song, and I later called Jenny to see how things were.

Cowboy answered.

And holy hell...we had a conversation.

While I was talking to him, it dawned on me..."Wow...I really am ok with this."

I think I have finally let him go...as far as the relationship Cowboy. Now the friendship Cowboy and my dream Cowboy...no...I'm not ready to let that go...not yet.

Not ever.

We're getting together Friday to run some errand for the barbeque and some personal stuff for him. I'm actually looking forward to the barbeque now. Meeting his girl and all.

I realize that she is everything for him that I was not, and at least he had the decency to let me go...sorta.

And who am I to begrudge him of any happiness? Lord knows he deserves it.

So there it goes. There he goes. There WE goes.

Cowboy has officially left the building.

I must say...I am really proud of myself right now. I thought the "I love you, baby" incident would kill me.

But it made me stronger...

And it made me realize...I want to be someone's "baby" again...and surprisingly...not his...but someone else's.

I want to be someone's "baby", and without even knowing it, he gave me the inclination and push to do so.

He gave me the power to put it all to rest.

I am free.

Closure...it's not just a novelty trick after all.

Who knew?