un-resolution
August 23, 2003 � 5:34 p.m.
First Entry Today
Mood-anxious
The End Of A Love Affair-Billie Holiday
"We're going to make a fool out of ourselves when we fall in love either way, but at least we can do it with dignity...right?"-Dream For An Insomniac
Recurring thought-I need to pay my damn electric bill! Why are all the payment places closed?!?!
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-When I got home yesterday, my brother's (one of them at least) girl was pulling up and going to my place.
Damn...this sharing a spot with my brother shit is going to be REAL hard.
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I actually left work early yesterday. A whole hour early than my normal time, two hours earlier than my over time time I usually stay til. I was so beat yesterday. All I wanted to do was go home, unwind a bit, and straighten up before Jenny came over for our movie night. But no...that was not the plan the fates (those bitches) had in store for me.
As soon as I pull up, a car pulls in behind me. I got out and started walking towards my spot, when I look up and notice someone walking in the same direction. I look over and notice it was Mandy, one of my brother's girls.
Damn man. All I wanted to do was go home and chill and now I couldn't.
Auto pilot takes over and steers me into bitch mode. Smooth transiton, too.
So I go in and go straight to my room, feeling like I did when I was younger and I all wanted to do was escape from everybody and be alone. I tossed shit around my room, cleaning it and making as much noise as possible, hoping she would take a hint and leave.
Ha! Fat chance.
I cleaned my room and got really irritated when I had to go into the living room and clean around them on the couch. It's not that the mess was Darryl's...it was all my mess I made before he came...but it pissed me off that he would have company up in there with it looking as fucked up as it did. Then it hit me.
No more privacy.
No more walking around naked after showers or when I get home from work. No lounging in my underwear while I smoke cigs, sip my vodka, and watch "Dead Like Me" while I'm waiting for my ravioli to warm up in the microwave. No more midnight invites for Swiz (if he EVER decides to call, the fucker). No more chilling.
No...now I have to go back into "Big Sis" mode and always have the place cleaned and stocked with food. I have to check the doors every night to make sure they're locked and make sure everything is turned off when I leave for work or go to sleep. I'll have to deal with his girls stopping by or his boys calling all times of the night (now that he is getting my home phone turned on).
Fuck...I have to adjust back to being "Responsible Grown Up Thea", instead of "Depressed, Confused, Sloppy, Heartbroken, Lost Thea."
So why is he here, might anyone question?
Because he is my little brother, bound to me by blood, the first man to ever see my cry. We share a history, a mother, a fucked up father, and screwed up psychies. No one knows me like he knows me or loves me like he loves me. He is my Darryl, the boy I practically raised, and he needs me. I would die for him if need be.
I guess giving up a few priviliges is better than death, right?
Well...right?!?
*sigh*
Anyway, Jenny came through and the three of them chilled on my only couch while I sat on the floor chain smoking and slamming back vodka like it was water. *which reminds me...I have to pick some up on the way home*
Finally, Darryl and Mandy left, and Jenny and I watched the rest of the Eagles game, which sucked major rank ass. I mean...could anyone else possibly get hurt? Could Koy play any fucking worse? Could the whole fucking sloshed team be any fucking worse?!?! I wish I could be paid millions of dollars to be a fuck up. Dickheads.
We were talking and I noticed something. I am starting to act jealous over Cowboy's relationship, and I am talking about him a lot again. Fuck! I knew this would happen. I'm starting to second guess my motives for being Jenny's friend and people telling me I'm not over him is starting to wear me down. I made a completely bitchy statement about his girlfriend and their relationship, and the second it came out of my mouth, I knew I didn't mean it. I don't care about none of that shit anymore, but the mere fact that everyone is expecting me to care is making me act like I care. I hate this. And worse than that, being around my brother and Mandy is irking me. Not only because I feel like a third wheel in my own damn house, but because she is a white girl and my brother treats her better than he treats his other two girls who are black. I have nothing against interracial dating at all, but I question why my brother treats black women like shit and saves the best of himelf for his white girls. I see him with Mandy and wonder how he treats the other two and then I get pissed off. What did I miss that made my brother have such a...disdain for black women and a sort of reverence for white women? I blame my mother.
I don't know how, but I have a feeling she has some influence over his choices in women.
Worse than that, I see Darryl and I think of Cowboy. How I was only the second black girl he ever dated and now he's back to dating white girls and supposedly "settling down" with one. What the fuck makes her so much better than me, huh? There is no way she could ever prove to him that she loves him like I did because she will never go through the bullshit I had to go through when I was with him. I was with him when he had nothing. Lower than low. Depressed and aimless. I had to deal with Das Bitch and mood swings and secretive phone calls because he had to appease her just so he could see his daughter...whom he NEVER GOT TO SEE!!!
HOW THE FUCK AM I THE BITCH THAT STUCK WITH HIM THROUGH THICK AND THIN, LOVING HIM STILL, BUT HE LEAVES ME ANYWAY AND ENDS UP WITH SOME HOMELY BITCH HE MET OVER THE FUCKING INTERNET!!?!?
I am sooooooo sorry about that. I was totslly trapped in a "Waiting to Exhale" moment.
Breathe.
So, yeah, I'm chilling back with Jenny. It was nice to see her. I hadn't seen her all week and I was seriously going through Jenny withdrawl. I don't know why I miss her so much when I don't get to see her, but I do. She's like air to me. You never appreciate it until you can't breathe. We joked around, having tickling and root bear fights while watching "Insomnia" and "Dream for an Insomniac", both good movies by the way. She left around three and I felt a bit sad. I think that was the first time she didn't stay over on a Saturday since I had moved in. I guess I should get used to it, though. Once she gets a girlfriend, she's not going to have time for me anymore and everything will have to change.
Everything always has to change.
She left after we watched our favorite paino scene from "Big". for some reason I couldn't sleep so I stayed up and watched the rest of that and then, when flicking around, I came across the worst movie..."Queen of the Damned." I made the mistake of going to see this movie in the theaters. Biggest waste of money ever!! I hate this fucking movie!!! There isn't anything in the movie that follows the fucking book except the fact that Lestat had a band. It really pisses me off because it had the potential to be a really good movie but they fucked it up. Aaliyah looked awsome in her costumes, but it is such a shame that such a piece of shit movie had to be her last role.
Damn shame indeed.
I finally crashed around 5. I had really weird dreams. I was like some kind of super hero/vampire chick. Jenny was my thrall and Cowboy was my nemesis/master. It was a cool dream. Until it got realistic. Out of nowhere, the dream became normal. No vamps, heros, nothing. Just me and Cowboy and some girl that's not his current girlfriend, but a girl he was fucking. We talk about small things...but at the end of the dream, he calls me and asks if he could see me. He tells me that he misses me and he just needed to talk to me. He said "I know it might seem wrong, but I need to know if..."
At that moment I wake up.
Why is everything that includes him has to be unresolved?
What is wrong with me?