cowboy convo #18
August 22, 2003 � 5:17 p.m.

Second Entry Today

Mood-Drowsy and hungry...bad combo

Desperate and Powerless-Perfect Circle (their new cd comes out soon!!!)

"I will go to the egde of that cliff for you because I love you so much. I will do whatever it is I need to do so we don't end up like my parents and I'm not so afraid all of the time. I am willing to put myself out there because I trust you and I believe in you and I love you and I want the future you want for us. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be the one that keeps you smiling for the rest of your days...but I am so afraid, Ben. I am so afraid that I will go to the edge and you won't be out there with me and I'll fall and I'll never be the same again. I am so fucking afraid that it's all a lie...that it's just me and my feelings and my life at stake..."

"Baby, I am right here with you. I love you so much. I never thought I would feel like this for anyone and I can't imagine a life without you. We will have that future, Thea. We will live that dream someday. I will never let you fall, baby. Do you hear me? I promise...I will never let you go. Trust in that hope you say I give you. Just believe in that...believe in us...and nothing can ever come between us."- A conversation between me and Ben Kirkley

Recurring thought-I can't wait to get the hell out of here so I can get some Chick Filet. Mmmmm Hmmmm!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Coming home to my brother and his girl sitting on my couch...chilling, eating chinese food, and watching my damn TV...and there's no place for me to chill back and there's no food for me.

Man, fuck that, man!

Nigga betta ante up or some shit's gonna go down for real!

**************************************************

Hey stranger.

Before I say what I want to say, I have to let you know that I do not miss or want you anymore. I am not harboring any grandiose delusions of us getting back together or having a future, nor am I pining away for you or lamenting over things that are done and over with forever.

I am not...IN love with you anymore.

Now that we have that straight, we can move on to what I want to say.

I miss belonging to you.

I used to wake up every morning and check off my list of things I had to be for the day...

a daughter

a sister

a god mother

a friend

a M123 worker...

a girlfriend.

I am no longer your girlfriend...your lover, your slave, your confidant...

...your Adora...

...and I miss that.

I miss being your possession.

I miss leaving work and coming to see you, picking you up something to eat so we can have dinner while we watch Buffy or Dawson or Farscape or my favorite, Sexy Beast.

I miss you talking dirty to me with your british or scottish accent.

I miss the little letters you used to write to me and the affirmations you would say to me whenever I was upset or feeling down.

I miss massaging your neck and back and then scratching it for you while you would purr out your content.

I miss the way you would slide your hand up my skirts and run them across my ass when I would wear my silky underwear, and how your eyes would light up whenever I would whisper to you in a room full of people that I had a thong on.

I miss the way you would look at me when you didn't think I could see you.

I miss rubbing your head and neck while you would fall asleep, and I miss watching you sleep.

I miss the way you used to hug my like you hadn't seen me in the longest time, even though you had just seen me the day before.

I miss holding your hand while driving my car and you reaching over to hold my hand when we were laying next to each other.

I miss the way you would stroke my face and smile at me before saying in the sweetest voice possible, "You're my girl."

I miss making you laugh.

I miss making you smile.

I miss making you happy.

I miss listening to you extoll the stories of your childhood and Dia and all the things wish you had done or could do.

I miss listening to you talk about our future and how our kids would be and their names and the kind of home we would have and how stange and happy we would be...hell...I even miss you talking about what we would do after we died.

I miss your chaotic midnight ramblings that would tumble out of you until you were exhausted.

I miss sleeping next to you.

I miss how you would reach out for me in your sleep, pull me closer and mumble you loved me.

I miss you waking up around five in the morning, scooching behind me so I could feel you grow hard when you would reach around to fondle my breasts, kiss my neck, and ask if I was awake.

I miss Captain Happy...boy...I really miss the Captain.

I miss fucking you...

but I miss making love to you even more.

I miss kissing your neck...playing with your nipple rings...stroking your thighs and feeling you quiver. I miss the way you would moan when I would rub against you, suck on your nipples and play with your dick.

I miss feeling you moving inside of me...on top of me, under me, and behind me.

I miss you talking shit and getting cocky when you knew I was about to come.

I miss gripping at your ears, head, neck or chest, putting my fingers in your mouth, or smashing my tits together when you were on top of me pumping deep.

I miss you calling me Puddles.

I miss the reaction I would get when I would slide to my knees in front of you and suck you for for all I was worth.

I miss the way you would pull me close when we were done, hugging me to you like you were afraid I would leave as we struggled to catch our breath, whispering how much we loved each other.

I miss the way I could feel your heartbeat pounding in any part of your body.

I miss laying in your arms with my head on your chest.

I miss the nonsensical conversations we would have as we smoked cigs after sex.

I miss your hands.

I miss how you would get hot in the winter time and chugged down gallons of water out of "jug".

I miss the way I felt around you.

I miss the dreams you made me dream, and the goals you pushed me to reach.

I miss kissing you.

I miss looking at you.

I miss loving you.

I miss all of these things so much that sometimes it gets hard for me to breathe when I think of them.

I miss being your possession...your slave, your lover, your confidant, your savior, your bitch, your cheerleader, your dreamer, your concious...I miss being your girl, your fiance', your future, your child bearer, your love...your Adora.

I miss belonging to you, Cowboy...

I miss BEING YOURS...will probably always

miss being yours...

but I don't miss being your fool

at all.

anymore.