everything and nothing
August 20, 2003 � 3:43 p.m.
Second Entry Today
Mood-Got a raging case of the yawns
Kissing A Fool-George Michael
"One day can make your life, one day can ruin your life. All life is is 4 or 5 days that change everything."-Riding In Cars With Boys
Recurring Thought-I wish they would play Roger Rabbit again on cable!!
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Every time I come to my page lately, my damn tagboard isn't working and it slows down my whole page opening up!!
Damn those swarthy tagboard creators and their money milking schemes!!
DAMN THEM TO HELL!!!
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Life is so chaotic lately. Well not chaotic...boring really...but being bored creates chaos in the mind.
The "stitch" jokes have all died down...finally. It's hard as hell to do anything with this damn finger, well the whole hand actually. If I move my pinkie it makes my pointer finger vibrate and ache. I don't know how I do it, but it is definitely a magic trick I wish to unlearn.
I've been worrying a lot about my mom and her situation. I don't know what she's going to do and it scares me to death to think something bad could happen to her if she doesn't take her medicine or how they could end up on the streets is they don't get some money coming in. Part of me feels like it's my fault and I never should have moved out because at least they would have my rent to help them, but the other part of me is like look...they are grown...they made the choices that put them in this situation. They knew dad was going to the hospital for awhile before they moved, they knew mom was going to get laid off, they knew they had no money saved up and they still moved down to Deleware into yet another house they can't afford and now neither one of them are working but my mom is spending money shopping. Still shopping. She bought a TV earlier today for me. Actually, my dad will use it until Christmas, at which time it will be given to me. Tacky, true, but hey...it's going to be slim pickings all the way around this Christams and I'll take whatever I can get. Either way, she shouldn't have bought it with the current situation she's in, and that's where she loses my pity.
You can't do shit like that, no matter how good the intentions, and not expect some fucked up repercussions coming your way.
I am also on a mission to find my godson, Henry. I haven't seen him since like what...April when me and Cowboy took the kids to Dave and Busters. Damn that was a good day. The first and only encounter I had with his daughter, and I fell in love with her hook, line, and sinker. So now I have three kids tugging on my heart strings, and I haven't seen any of them lately, nor do I even know how they are doing. Henry, Asia, and Dia...my holy trinity...I have been lacking in my praise...forgive me.
I'll make it up to all of you somehow.
I am broke as all hell. I have to come up with some money to get some insurance on my car, pay to get my car all fixed, get my hair done, save up money for Christmas gifts, save money for the cruise, get Jenny's birthday gift and still keep enough put to the side to pay my bills every month wih no problem. How will this be possible? Do I look like the fucking amazing Kreskin or something? Do I look like I have money like that? I come from po' folk...a line of broke ass bitches who never make more than enough money to do anything great in their lives...we just make enough to get by every day.
This is the blood that courses through my veins. Have you forgotten the situation of my mom already?
And speaking of money, fucking tag board needs to get on the damn ball and fix my tagger man. Yeah...it's free...but if you're going to offer free shit, it could at least work MOST of the time. And how fucked up is the message they leave for everyone to see? "Your FREE shit isn't working, but if your cheap ass would bother to upgrade, you wouldn't have this problem right now." Damn fascists...or capitalists...or whatever "ists" it is that screws us po' folk out of our money any way they can!!
Fuck them all!!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!!!!
(I love the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back movie...when you're bored and drunk it's the best thing since sliced bread!!)
And...most of all...the main catalyst in my chaotic state of mind...needing a man. Or needing to get laid. Needing affection. Shit...needing something! I haven't heard from Swiz, the fucker...Cowboy, is well, unattainable...my first love is locked back up...I don't have the money to go out and meet anyone new, and my "emergency dick" has confessed to being bi-sexual and that's just off limits to me....I don't know WHERE his mouth has been, and it creeps me out just to think about it.
Yuck.
Not that I'm against gays or bi-sexuals...I love them to death, I just don't want to be involved with a man that gets it on with another man. I just can't wrap my mind around it for some reason. I don't know.
Anyway...
I just know I need to find me a mate soon. Like pronto. Before I lose ALL interest in anything sexual. You know it's bad when YOU'RE not even attracted to YOURSELF enough to get down and enjoy some "alone time".
How the hell do you convince your hand you have a headache and aren't in the mood?!?!
I don't know how...but I've accomplished it...being the special little idiot that I am.
I can't believe I actually turned down sex and cock-blocked myself when I had the chance to get laid!!
Dude!! What the hell was I thinking?
I am either a lesbian, an idiot, still in love with Cowboy, or just not into sex as much as I think I am.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.....
I'm thinking idiot...but I'll have to get back to you on that one.
In the meantime, I'm going to go home tonight, get myself drunk, and try to take advantage of me.
Wish me luck!