it's alright
August 16, 2003 � 4:27 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Sore

War Pigs-Black Sabbath

"What fools these mortals be."-A Midsummer's Night Dream

Recurring Thought-Fuck, my finger hurts!

A classic "What the Fuck!?!?" moment-Slicing my finger open while trying to seperate frozen biscuits. Then, when I went to apply pressure on it, a fucking gyser of blood spurted me in the face!

Friday, bloody Friday.

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I think either God or some angels have it out for me.

I have pissed off someone important somehow, and now my life is one big cosmic ass fuck without the lube after another.

Having my soul gang banged by the Fates is definitely NOT fun...the bitches.

My latest quandry is a funny yet fucked up tale of what happens when you are distracted in the kitchen.

I was hungry as all hell, but I figured I would have a meal instead of some ravioli or oodles of noodles for once. I had the pork chops baking in the oven while I danced around my apartment sipping my vodka and juice when it hit me, "Hey, I have biscuits!" So I waltz into the kitchen and grab the frozen devils and try to open them.

They were NOT having it.

I banged the roll on the counter and everything. After awhile it became a mission. I didn't even want the stupid things anymore, but I was damned if a container of fucking frozen biscuits was going to get the best of me!!

So I cut the tube in half and proceeded in prying them apart. OK, once again, they were clinging to each other for dear life. I tried to use my hands but that wasn't working, my nails weren't working, and out of the corner of me eye I saw it gleaming there...the knife.

Forever to be known as Jamin to me.

I pick Jmain up and pry the first two apart with no problem. Feeling a bit cocky now, I look up at the TV and one of the shows I used to watch with Cowboy was coming on. I frowned at the TV as I heard, "That doesn't compute, Dave." I stared there wondering if he watches this show with his new girl. I snapped out of that noticed how long I had been working Jamin on one particular biscuit, and I said out loud, "This isn't smart." I turn to the counter to put to biscuits down, when my stupid, asshole, bitch of a motherfucking bastard ass, cunt whore neighbor bangs on her ceiling (my floor) really hard right near my feet and scares the shit out of me. At that same moment Jamin works it's way through the biscuit and right into the joint of my left pointer finger. Funny thing was I knew I felt something, but I had no clue I had cut myself until I noticed the biscuits were bleeding.

Slowly, it dawns on my that I'M bleeding, and I look down and the whole front of my nightgown was splashed with blood and there was a puddle on the floor. I was in total shock...I had to be because the finger wasn't hurting at all. It was just bleeding all over the place. I put my hand under the faucet in the kitchen sink and almost instantly, blood started to pour from the wound.

OK...now I'm fucking freaking out. I have never seen so much blood before! I run cold water over it and more and more blood pours out. My phone rings and for some stupid reason I pick it up.

It was Jenny calling me back.

I talk to her for a few seconds, watching my life seep from me and go down the drain, before I tell her what happened. I can't really rememeber what all she said, but she asked if I wanted her to come and even though I felt bad for making her come all the way over to my place, the scared bitch in me whimpered out "Please come Jenny...I don't know what to do!" She told me to stay calm and she'd be right there.

I tried to apply pressure to it like she told me to, but I didn't bend the finger before doing it, and I actually had a gyser of blood spurt up and hit me in the face. If I hadn't been so fucking scared it might have been comedic...but as it is, it sent me into freaking out overdrive. It was time to panic.

I ran in the bathroom and poured peroxide over it to keep it clean, and I'm sorry, but the sight that that little mix created just made it all 10x's worse.

I finally figure out how to hold it so it's not bleeding all over, wrap it up in a paper towel, and sit on the couch waiting for Jenny. I felt strangely calm and that scared me because I got light headed and I thought I was going to bleed to death. OK, it sounds quite melodramatic, but here is where I say I have never been hurt like that before. Scrapes, scratches, baby cuts...yeah...but nothing like this...nothing with meat and blood escaping my body like it was a prison break. I had no idea what to expect or to think, and when I heard Jenny come in and turn into my living room, I have never been so glad to see anyone in my life. I was so glad to see her, I kinda wanted to cry.

Jenny...my hero.

So she comes in, still covered with grease from work and looking exhausted but concerned, and as she flung her bags down on the floor she calmly said, "Aiight...let me see it girl." I unwrap it and show it to her, and after looking at it a bit, she frowns at me and says, "It looks pretty deep, hun. I think you should go to the hospital. You may need stitches." I looked at her like "nah uh" and then I really wanted to cry. I HATE needles...and stitches...whoa...she might as well of told me I had to get it cut off!

We get to the hospital, and this where the night gets fun. While filling out the forms, I was asked if I was pregnant by four different people, I didn't know my mom's address or phone number, I didn't know how many cigs I smoke a day or my actual height, and I didn't know my religious beliefs but my blood pressure was very good. When the lady asked me my marital status, she looked at Jenny and then back at me. When I said single, she cut her eyes at me, then Jenny, then smirked and nodded. I looked at Jenny, but thought nothing of it and when the lady asked me for my emergency contact, I just looked over at Jenny and mentally asked "You?" and she looked shocked and we both felt awkward but she finally said, "Oh.OK" and gave her the address. I didn't mean to put her on the spot, but I didn't know my mom's address, my brothers don't currently have addresses or contact phones, and my uncle is a smacked ass that's never home nor would give a fuck if anything happened to me. Great family, huh?

So we go into the waiting room, which only had one lady ahead of us, but we stayed out there like 2 hours. In the meantime, finger had perked up and was thumping "Hey!! What the Fuck?!?!" against my makeshift tourniquet. We got ambushed by some guy whilst trying to relax and smoke a cig. He talked our ears off. I leave poor Jenny out there and head back in, and then she comes in later and starts laughing. Fisrt, the guy didn't know she was white. Second, he thought I was her mother. HER MOTHER!!!!???!?!!

OK, so now the night is doing wonders for my ego. I slice my hand open while doing battle with frozen biscuits, the intake lady thought I was lying about Jenny being my lover, and now this guy thought I was old enough to be Jenny's mom. Fucking great.

They finally call me back and Jenny was great. I started to freak out as soon as they showed me to a room, and she started cracking jokes and making me laugh so I wouldn't completely lose it. I kept telling her she wasn't helping, but damn if I was relieved to have her there with me.

A doctor walks in that looks like he was high or drunk and had been working for 50 hours straight. I look at Jenny after he leaves and she says "Well at least you didn't get one of those young guys." and as soon as the sentence ends, in walks the guy who's going to do my stitches.

Fucking Doogie Howser.

Jenny starts cracking up as I shake my head unbelievably. He rolls in the cart of death and my heart start to pound, but when I saw the needle, I really wanted to fucking bolt. The whole time Jenny sat in a spot where she could see my face and kept telling me I was doing good or burst into giggles when I would make an "Ow you fucker!!" face.

So we leave there, go back to my place, and Jenny, my lover-daughter crashed on the couch.

She went to Great Adventures today, and I am supposed to go over there tonight to do laundry, if the warden clears it.

Speaking of him, I called there to speak to Jenny earlier and he picked up. I told him what happened and he sounded all concerned for a scond, but then we lapsed into other conversation. I asked him for my stuff and he said he had gave it to Jenny before and I told him that wans't ALL of my stuff so he said he would give it to her again. I then got the balls up to ask him if he mined me being there and he said "No, not at all. It's all cool. You're her friend too, so why wouldn't you be here." That confused me a bit, but I finally asked the million dollar question, "Are WE friends?" "Of course." he replied like I was a silly goose for asking. I asked if he was sure and again he said yes. Then I asked if he was sure again, asking if it was possible that he would just stop talking to me again out of the blue for no reason, and he said, "No. Absolutely not. We're alright."

We're alright.

We chit chatted a bit more before he had to go back to sleep, but it was pleasant.

Something is different...I don't know what it is...but it's something significant.

We're alright.

This has been the strangest 24 hours in history.

I've sliced my hand open, been called an in the closet lesbian, old, pregnant, been called a friend...and been told it's alright.

We're alright.

I'm alright.

I'll be just fine.