right?
August 15, 2003 � 7:46 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Achey, tired, and sleepy as hell

Judith-Perfect Circle

"I looked and looked at her, and I knew, as clearly as I know that I will die, that I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth. She was only the dead-leaf echo of the nymphet from long ago -- but I loved her, this Lolita, pale and polluted and big with another man's child. She could fade and wither -- I didn't care. I would still go mad with tenderness at the mere sight of her face."-Lolita

Recurring Thought-I hate being so ambiguous

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Last night Jenny was at my place and someone knocked on the door around midnight. We both stopped and looked at each other confused, poining at each other like we were counting...

"I'm here...you're here...so...who the fuck could that be!?!"

It was hysterical and heart tuggingly pathetic at the same time.

*************************************************

Last night was the big blackout that swept major cities on the east coast. "Not a terror attack" was choked out every other sentence like that was the most important fact they could convey to us. Thousands of people are trapped or stranded...hospitals are offline...accidents are happening all over the place...but it's not a terrorist attack, so who cares, right?

Sometimes...not often, but it happens...people in today's society fucking surprise the hell out of me.

How is it possible for the media to honestly be that fucking single minded?

Ridiculous.

Well in spite of the blackout, I had a very enlightening night.

Jenny came over and we hashed it out on trying to find a way for us to make more money without having to leave our jobs. I came up with the brilliant idea of us becoming drug moguls and rule the underworld. Yeah...us...rule the underworld by dealing weed. Like, nobody smokes just weed anymore. I mean a lot of folks in our generation smoke it, but we are also a generation of broke asses.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. It made us laugh and we both really needed to just laugh and act stupid. Jenny had stayed home from work she was so depressed about the money situation. I don't want her to have to quit her job. She loves working out in the shop and fixing cars and shit. It's so rare people actually find jobs they like and it would just suck if she had to give it up just to go back to the grinding world of administrative assistant or whatever.

I don't know. We'll figure out something.

Of course we talked about Cowboy and talking aloud to her made things clear again. She makes a lot of sense in what she says and I admit I overreacted to what he said and he didn't say it in a malicious or fuckhead way...he said in a way like he was more concerned about me feeling awkward. Maybe he doesn't want me to go postal on his girl or something...who knows...but after talking it out with Jenny, I felt better about it and I'm not hating him as much right now.

He's still an asshole...but I don't hate him.

It takes too much energy to hate him and its really just not worth it anymore.

Then my boy Relly shocked the hell out of me by popping by after midnight. He had just gotten out of jail and off the speedline. I was happy to see him. He didn't look that bad for a guy that had just been locked up for the past month and he was in really good spirits so that was cool.

We chilled out and by then I was wasted on vodka, and I could barely see straight, but he came over to me when he was about to leave and whispered something into my ear.

A confession, really.

He is a Bi-Sexual.

No shit.

I mean, I always had an idea that there was something else going on there that he wasn't admitting to...but there's a big difference between suspecting something and knowing something, you know? This is the guy who just last year wanted me to be with him and make a family and a home. This is the guy that has been harboring some kind of crush on me in one way or another for the past five years. This is the father of my god daughter...one of my best friends...and he just confessed to me...out of the fucking blue...that he is a bi-sexual.

Riiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhht.

I guess I should be happy I was with Cowboy last year after all. Who the hell knows what kind of surprises I would have had to deal with if by some slim chance I had ended up with Relly.

Then again...it's not like Cowboy is any better with his "eversions".(and yes, that's spelled right) But at least I knew what he was into...and it was shit I could get into also...to a certain extent...

Any fucking way...

I don't know what I'm going to get my Jenny for her birthday. I mean, I know what I want to get her, but it might be...I don't know...like over the top. Like something someone would get their lover or spouse or child or life long friend or something.

I always go all out on birthdays, but it's even seeming a bit odd to me to get it for her, but I really want to get her something special.

Jack says I'm probably secretly in love with Jenny and that's why I like being with her so much and maybe I don't hate Cowboy because of what happened anymore...that maybe I hate him because he gets to be with Jenny all the time and I can't.

He is always so way off base when it comes to that shit!

That is just so ridiculous, right?

Right?