the ex man
August 14, 2003 � 6:53 p.m.
First Entry Today
Mood-A tad bit pissy, actually
Courderoy-Pearl Jam
"This is not a love story, but it is a story about love. About the power it has over people. The power to heal and the power to destroy."-Original Sin
Recurring thought-I fucking hate his bitch ass
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Planning on seeing Jenny later so we can discuss some real important issues, but when I mention I could come to her place, I am rebuffed because his girlfriend will be there. At this point I spaz and send a spazzy response to Jenny including something like "Fuck him, fuck her, I don't give fuck" or whatever. Jenny was only trying to keep the peace.
Damn, I'm an asshole sometimes.
I'm sorry Jenny.
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So OK, I admit it, OK? I was wrong. It's easy for me to admit when I'm wrong, and I have been wrong on two accounts.
First, I give Cowboy way more credit for being a decent guy than he deserves.
Second, yeah OK, I'm not completely over his stupid ass yet.
OK, so maybe I'm not over him at all. It's possible, I don't know for sure if that's the case, but it is possible. It's not like anyone can blame me. I mean, hello...we went from happily looking forward to forever to "I don't know if I want to be with you." in less than a month. A month in which nothing happened between us. No arguments, nothing. He just drifted away and I STILL have no fucking clue why or how any of this happened, so yeah...yeah, I'm still pissed about it and I still need answers because I just don't understand any of this shit and being the inquisitive idiot that I am, my soul will not rest until I have a fucking suitable answer.
I can't move on until I know what went wrong so I never let it happen again. Not that it will ever happen again anyway, because the chances of me letting anyone ever get that close to me again are like a billion to one. Letting him in was a battle and risky enough. Every moment with him I had to fight every instinct I had inside to guard myself...be the bitch that only I can be...not let him see me. It took everything inside of me not to turn tail and run when he would whisper he loved me.
I didn't run this time. I didn't hide. I didn't build a wall around me or try to smother him. I did the complete opposite of everything I usually do in relationships and I was actually happy...oh I was so fucking happy for the first time in my life. For the first time...I felt safe.
I finally let myself trust someone.
And what does he do? After learning all my secrets and fears, after changing me inside and out with his ideals and views, after making me fall hopelessly in love with him and looking forward to being his wife and having his children and living in a "home" happily ever after...after filling me with hope and making me dream, he leaves me. With no good reason or logic, he leaves me. Worse than that, he never shows a shred of regret or even recognition that he has destroyed someone that did nothing to him but LOVE him and want to help make all of his dreams come true. He doesn't care. He really is totally oblivious to the chaos he has created in my life.
I wish he would just fade the fuck away and take all of these thoughts, dreams, hopes, and memeories I have floating aorund me with him.
Fade away, fucker. Just fade the fuck away.
And Jenny, fuck, poor Jenny...she's like in a damn war zone. She never knows if what she says will set me off or make me cry or whatever. I don't mean to bring her into this. God, I don't mean to make it hard for her! I have to stop though. I have to stop this insanity before it costs me Jenny. If I didn't have Jenny I would defintely go insane, and I'm not joking. I would seriously drink myself to death if I didn't have her to talk to and joke around with. She's a part of me...the good part me...the things I want to be...and I'm blowing it. I am blowing it. I'm pushing her away and making shit more complicated than it needs to be for her and I know that I'm making her feel horrible and I don't mean to do that. I don't want to do that.
Dammit, I do not want to be THIS girl!
When did I wake up and just decide that crazy is the way to be? When did I lose myself? HOW did I lose myself? He wasn't all that. No man should have this kind of power over me, especially without even trying.
No one should have the power to make me this insane.
No one.
But he does.
He has the power to do this to me because I give him the power to do this to me...to make me this way.
I give him the power to make me feel powerless.
He acts like he wants me to go away to everyone else, but then he does or says something to the contrary around me...especially lately...and it's not that I want him back...I just want it back...that feeling I used to have in me when I was with him. That feeling like I could do anything, be whatever I wanted to be...that feeling that I am SOMEBODY.
His friendship gave me that strength, that courage...that touch of chaos I needed to make me want to finally begin to live instead of waiting for life to come to me.
That friendship was the most important thing I'd encountered in my life. I never had those feelings before I knew him, and now that he's gone, they're gone. The girl I had found when I was with him is lost again and the girl I was before I knew him has gone away forever. Now I don't know who I am or who I could be.
I am simply his ex.
His Ex friend.
His Ex girlfriend.
His Ex fiance'.
HIS EXCUSE.
I don't know who I am right now, but I know one thing...
I don't want to his Ex-Factor for the rest of my life.
I AM better than that.
Thanks Jenny.