the nothingness
August 13, 2003 � 1:05 p.m.

First Entry Today

Woke up this morning, sadder than sad, more blue than I've really ever been since we broke up, because last night I found out who I am in his life. I am Jenny's friend. Nothing more...ever more...and everything less.

I sat in the bathroom crying, lamenting over this new development, wondering what is so wrong with me that everyone I love just leaves me and never looks back.

They forget me the moment I am out of their perimeter.

I am nothing to him.

He was the love of my life and I am nothing to him from here on out other than his room mate's friend.

This song came on while I was crying. Oh Lauryn, you must have seen my future. You must have known how it would be for me. You must have extracted this from my soul.

I am nothing to him.

I am forever undone.

*************************************************

Lauryn Hill - Ex Factor

From the album "The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill"

It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard

Loving you is like a battle

And we both end up with scars

Tell me who I have to be

To get some reciprocity

No one loves you more than me

And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game

That forces you to act this way?

Forces you to scream my name

Then pretend that you can't stay

Tell me who I have to be

To get some reciprocity

No one loves you more than me

And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow

You always seem to let me know

It ain't workin', It ain't workin' (No, it ain't workin')

And when I try to walk away

You'd hurt yourself to make me stay

This is crazy, this is crazy (This is crazy, uh-huh!)

I keep letting you back in

How can I explain myself?

As painful as this thing has been

I just can't be with no one else

See I know what we've got to do

You let go, and I'll let go too

'Cause no one's hurt me more than you

And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow

You always seem to let me know

It ain't workin', It ain't workin' (It ain't workin' !)

And when I try to walk away

You'd hurt yourself to make me stay

This is crazy, this is crazy

Care for me, care for me!

I know you care for me!

There for me, there for me!

Said you'd be there for me!

Cry for me cry for me

You said you'd die for me

Give to me give to me

Why won't you live for me

Where were you when I needed you

la da da da da da da