breathe and reboot
August 13, 2003 � 3:43 p.m.

Second Entry Today

Mood-Depressed

Anna Begins-Counting Crows

"I kissed you, ere I killed you, no way but this. Killing myself, to die upon a kiss"-Othello

Recurring Thought-I wish this ring actually made me invisible and able to see the Witch King.

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-After showcasing all of my ignorant bravado, Jenny tells me that Cowboy is cool with me coming over because "She is your friend, so she can come over whenever you want. It would just be nice if I could get a heads up before she comes so I'm not taken by surprised my girl is here. I don't want any uncomfortableness."

Ain't that a bitch?

After everything, I am nothing more than "Jenny's Friend".

Well, fuck me with a sick dick. I was stupid enough to actually believe we were becoming friends.

My mistake.

**********************************************

I am an idiot.

For so many reasons, on so many levels in my life does that statement ring true.

First, I ordered a custom made One Ring (from Lord of the Rings, only silver) a while ago and I got it yesterday. I put it on with the thought toying around in the back of my mind that once I slipped it on I would turn invisible and I would see Sauron's Lair in the distance.

Nothing happened when I put it on, and I had the nerve to actually be disappointed.

How stupid is that? What am I, like ten?

Anyway, the moment I put it on, I didn't disappear, but I sure started to wish I could. The ring was so beautiful against my skin...gleaming brightly on my ring finger, and out of nowhere, I suddenly felt like I had rammed my head into a brick wall.

Wedding rings. These were the rings we agreed would be our wedding bands.

What the fuck was I thinking when I bought this shit anyway? Did I really think it wouldn't bother me? What kind of smacked ass buys the intended wedding band after your fiance' leaves you?

Well apparently me.

I refused to let myself sink into despair, however, and decided that the ring was my talisman, my "one ring to rule them all", my "one ring to find HIM". I cheered up a bit after that and decided to call Jenny and play catch up.

Well, my little shortcake installed her first alternator yesterday, and it looks like she's going to be out in the shop more. Maybe if I wait long enough, SHE can fix Silvie for me and I won't have to spend all that money. Then again...never mind.

So we're talking about everything and nothing, having a really good conversation, when she drops it on me. I know she didn't think anything bad of it, or that I would have such an adverse reation to it, or that it would hurt me like it did, which was why she said it. She thought it was a good thing, and actually it was, but like the saying goes, "It's so hard to see the good when the bad is always jumping up and down in your face to get your attention."

She asked him is he was alright with me coming over because she didn't want any of us to feel weird. He was all like "No, I don't mind, Thea's cool." Thea's cool. First thing to throw me. "I mean, she's your friend, so she can come over to see you whenever you want." She's YOUR friend. Chest starting to close up now. "It would just be nice if I could get a head's up before she comes over, sometimes, like when Sue is here. I mean, me and Sue are getting along really well and I'm going to be settling down with her, and things didn't work out for me and Thea so we didn't make it, and I don't want them to be around each other and be uncomfortable." Heads up before she comes. Settling down. Don't want them around each other. OK. Before I know it or even begin to think about how to process that, the fucking tears were rolling down my face...just like they are now as I try to write this.

I mean, what am I? He needs a fucking storm watch warning or a news flash before I am "allowed" to be in his sector?!?!

OK folks, the tropical phenomenon known as Thea is on her way to our area. Please, take cover. She has left nothing nothing but destruction and despair in her wake. If you do not wish to become a victem of her wrath, I suggest you grab your shit and book it on out of town before she destoys you and all you love!!

News Flash-Ladies and gentlemen, the CDC has informed us that there has been a transmutation of the disease known as T.H.E.A. It is now airborn and highly contagious. The mortality rate is 98%. The latest outbreak was in New Jersey. Please, if you show no symptoms of the sickness, leave the fucking state as soon AS YOU CAN!! RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LIVES!! RUN, RUN, RUN YOU FOOLS!! IT IS SPREADING!! T.H.E.A. IS COMING FOR YOU!!!"

Now I'm crying really hard, but it's that quiet kind of crying so Jenny wouldn't hear, but she did. All I needed was her segue way "What's the matter, honey?" and it came pouring all out. The first thing I choked out was "I am just never going to be able to get to normal am I?"

Nope bitch, normal has flown the coop. You will never be normal. He fucked you up good. He lied to you. He told you he would love you no matter what. He said he would never do anything to hurt you. He said you had his whole heart. He said you would always be friends. He said that he would never leave you. But he did. He did all of those things and more. He left you with skidmarks on your heart and he hasn't looked back at the carnage once. Not once. He doesn't give a fuck that you are hurting, that you loved him, that you trusted him, that you need him. He doesn't care that he stole the only dream you had left and now you're empty, empty, empty...so empty and disillusioned that all you want to do is die, die, die so you will never have to see him again, think of him again...ride this constant roller coaster of loving and hating him...yes, die and die again so you will never remember his touch, his smell, his voice. Cover yourself with earth, child, so the world will no longer be totured by your tormenting presence.

He left me here, slowly dying every day, and with everything he did to hurt me, I still tried to look past it and be his friend. I just wanted us to be friends. I thought at least that one promise we made to each other would remain true...I thought I at least meant that much to him. No one knows me like he does...no one.

And he doesn't want to know me anymore.

I am "Jenny's Friend".

Fuck me.

Fuck me.

I am nothing, nothing, nothing to him. I never was, I never could have been. You can't just delete people you really care about, and that's what he's done. He's erased every file of "Jamin and Adora" and has replaced it with the new zip file "Jenny's Friend".

Delete. Delete. Delete.

The virus "Jamin and Adora" has been scanned and destroyed. Push restart to continue.

I am gone. He is gone. WE is gone.

All of it gone and the memory has been wiped clean. I have to restart to continue, but the fucking screen is frozen and all I can see is the fragments filtering across the sceeen. Bits and pieces of what used to be US...the only thing I ever wanted...the only thing I had to live for. I see it creep away in miniscule increments and my fingers hesitate over the mouse beacause the chaos dancing before me used to be the most beautiful thing I had ever created.

God, I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying.

Fuck him. Fuck her. I hope she fucking destroys him.

It is now OK to Restart.

Fuck all of this bullshit.

Fuck him. Fuck her. Fuck me.

Pull it together, bitch...get a fucking grip.

Now breathe.

Fucking breathe and reboot.

Oh, how I wish this ring could make me just disappear.