humming through tears of validation
August 11, 2003 � 4:32 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Fidgety

La La La- Jay-Z

"You are not what went wrong with anything. You are what saved me, and I need to thank you for that."- Riding In Cars With Boys

Recurring Thought- I wish Monkey would hurry up and give me my reveiw!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment- Getting a bit sad when midnight hit and it was officially Cowboy's birthday. I had to fight the urge to buy him a little something while Jenny and I were cruising Wal Mart.

How stupid am I?!?

*********************************************

Our company outing was Friday. We had a BBQ on company grounds. I always love these outings because of one reason: I love seeing my co workers trashed! Maybe I'm sadistic or just mean, but I just love seeing folks get trashed and then just let it rip about how they really feel about someone. The masks always come off when there's alcohol involved. Plus, I am 10 times cuter to drunk guys.

Hey, who doesn't like to get flirted with by a bunch of cute rockers?

Saturday I lounged around a bit, doing some shopping and all, waiting for Jenny Bear to get home from her sister's shower so we could get together and hang out at her place. When I finally get there, we were going to go to Wal Mart, but I looked at the time and asked if he needed a ride or not. Jenny hadn't thought of it, so we waited. It was raining out and I didn't want him to have to walk or anything, plus he was running late. He came down, looking just awful, and I hated myself when I felt my face frown up into my "poor baby" look. I asked him what he was supposed to do for his birthday and he said he had no plans and wasn't too sure about anything. I just wanted to grab him and hug him. He looked so depressed, so lost. My heart was breaking for him.

I felt like an ass when Jen told me in the car that he'd been moping since he got a call from his girl saying she wouldn't be able to make it down that day.

Yeah. I was feeling sympathetic for my ex fiance', who was was upset because his girlfriend couldn't make it to see him.

Uh huh. I'm an asshole.

Worse than that, I still couldn't get that look he had on his face out of my mind, and the whole time I'm shopping, I'm thinking about him...how much it must suck to have to bring in your birthday at work and not even have a girl to come home to in the morning to celebrate with. Then I was thinking about what I had planned to do for him for his birthday when we were together and I felt twice as bad. We would have had a fucking awesome time...if we had stayed together...and even though part of me was saying "Fuck him, he's getting what he deserves!" another part of me was saying "No one deserves to be sad on their birthday, not even him."

I strolled around, looking at little noncommital things I could pick up for him so he can at least come home to a little something.

In the end, I decided to only get him a card. It was hard as hell to find a card for your ex fiance' that might or might not be your friend that just might read too much into or get offended by whatever the card says person in your life. I picked a real good one, but it had hearts on it, and Jen pointed out that might not be a good thing, so I settled on a card that I didn't really like but it was vague yet sincere enough for me to not regret giving it to him. Jenny gave him the super cool one I initially wanted to give to him.

When midnight came, I had the strongest inclination to call him and wish him a happy birthday.

I wanted to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday.

Instead, when we got back to her place, I sat at her table lamenting, lost in thoughts of yesterday and dreams I had had for our tomorrow. I sat there uncontrollably humming "I wish you love" by Chryssie Hynde, holding the tears at bay while thumbing through my journal. Jen turned to look at me once, and the expression on her face was one uncomprehensive pain...not condscending, or pitying, or reproachful...she looked at me and it was like she had stepped inside of me for a moment, and what I was feeling was reflected on her face.

It was then I pulled it together. I had to accept that he was not my boyfriend anymore. I can't make the bad days better for him. I can't hope for things that can never happen.

I can't blame myself for his misery.

We watched "Bringing Down The House", which is an EXCELLENT movie!! I haven't laughed that hard because of a movie since like forever! I have to see that again. That cheered me right on up.

I stayed at Jenny's for the first time. Her cat, Peep, decided to be my nemesis and my vigil for the night, alternating between using me as a springboard and sitting by my head to nuzzle her nose in my hair. Stupidly, this made me feel loved.

Doesn't take much, huh?

When I woke up, I knew he was there and I laid there staring at the ceiling, knowing he was in the room right above me doing who knows what.

I was starting to feel sad again, when he came down the stairs and stopped to talk to me. I was hoping he was going to try to make a move as much as I was dreading it. It felt so weird being alone with him. Too much room for error. No Jen as a safety net or guaradian. It was just me and him...Bonnie and Clyde...home alone and half dressed...both so fucking nervous you couldn't even cut the tension between us with a bushido blade.

We exchanged pleasantries and the heat of his gaze burned my cheek as I tried not to look at him...to not look at those damned nipple rings and that fucking tattoo. "I liked the card." he said and I looked at him for the first time. "It was really nice." I blushed and half smiled at him, and I saw "that look" creep across his face and he changed his stance a little before smiling back. "It was really nice, Thea. Thank you." His voice was low and gritty with emotion as his eyes seared into my soul. There was so much I wanted to say to him...to ask him...I just wanted to touch him...hug him...stand close to him.

I would have sold my soul just to hear him say "We're going to be alright, girl."

Instead I managed to mumble out "No problem", hoping he couldn't read it all in my eyes or hear my heart pounding "always, always, and always" in morse code against my chest.

He stood there looking like he wanted to come forward but he was making himself stay in that spot. "No, really...it was so nice of you...thank you so much." I gave him a quick smile and concentrated on petting Peep while he stood there staring silently at me so intently that I had to look back up at him, just in time to catch it..."THE look."

The look he used to give me when he hadn't seen me in awhile. That look of happiness jumbled with sorrow, lust tangeling with love, hope fighting against despair...that look that used to be followed by the words, "I have missed you so much, babe."

I felt the tears sting as he finally ambled back up the stairs and shut the door to his room. After all this time waiting...wondering...hoping...I finally have my answer.

He misses me, too.

He's not completely over it all either.

He still feels that "connection".

I have my validation now. It wasn't as easy as he tried to make it all look. I meant something to him after all...WE meant something to him after all.

I now know that he did love me at one time. That I didn't imagine or project it all. He is feeling the loss just as much as I am.

I am not alone after all.

It's ok to move on.