cowboy convo #16
August 06, 2003 � 3:09 p.m.

First Entry Today

Mood-Giggly

Method Man-Method Man

"I would be honored to have you as the mother of my children." Ben Kirkley

Recurring Thought-I can't believe he wants me to spend time with him and his daughter!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Swiz saying (I think) either "Bye beautiful" or "Bye buddah butt" when we hung up yesterday.

Should I be offended or is it an "awww" moment?

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When I wake up in the morning, I roll over and immediately begin to crowd my mind with ideas, plans, and thoughts so I can start my day off right. I do this so I won't roll over, look at the empty space, get smothered by the silence, and start to miss you inconsolably.

It's so hard to keep the facade up, though. As I wander through the apartment, a dozen things trigger thoughts of you...memories of you...daydreams of you.

It always comes down to you.

I get sad when I think about you too long, but then, just as quickly, the sadness is replaced by some inexplicable anger and I'm back to hating you again. I think about all of the lies you told and brokenness you caused and how you live on day after day like nothing ever happened.

Like you don't know me.

Like you don't want to know me.

Then I sit and I confess that Jenny is right. I am stuck in the past. I haven't moved on. I am still waiting. I am still hurting.

I am still in love with you.

After I admit this to myself, I am able to go about my day and make the best I can of it. I convince myself that everything happens for a reason and I am better off now and I didn't really want to have "that life" with you anyway.

By the middle of the day, I drift off and think about other men, better men, other loves, new loves.. and I start to believe that everything will be fine and it doesn't hurt as much.

By nightfall I have accepted our fate, and I know that one day I will be crashing your wedding and our kids will know each other and play together and our lives will eventually become a comfortable semblance of the lives we once confessed to wanting to lead.

I lay in bed wondering what twists and adventures life still has in store for us and how we will fare in the end.

I am content.

I then fall into strange dreams of you...of the future...of us...tossing and turning and reaching out for you to wake me up and tell me it's OK.

But you're not there anymore.

You'll never be there again.

After awhile I drift back into a dreamless sleep, dreading the coming of the dawn.

Because when I wake up, it starts all over again.

The game must go on.

The game I play in my mind, so I don't get even more lost than I already am. Everyday, I wade my way through the hip high torrent of deceit, lies, hopes, brokenness, dreams, hate, love, memories...of US, hoping that one day I will stumble ashore, lost no more, and at peace with you, myself, and all that has happened.

Until that day comes,

I will be here, wading.

I just thought you'd like to know that.