cowboy convo #15
August 04, 2003 � 5:59 p.m.
First entry today
Mood-A tad bit grumpy
I Wish You Love-Chrissie Hynde
"You mean so much to me, Thea. I only know that I never want to lose you."- Ben Kirkley
Recurring thought-Just once, I would like him to prove me wrong...just once.
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Not being able to sleep well because I watched Mothman Prophecies yesterday and I was scared shitless I would roll over and he'd be right there!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
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Well, here I am again, love, saying hello to you just to once again say good bye.
I have been thinking about you a lot lately...thinking about this bond we share...about that phone conversation we had so long ago.
The one where I told you my theory on soul mates. We admitted to each other then that we felt it, that unexplainable connection we had to each other. It felt like we had always known each other...loved each other.
Remember...you said we were made for each other?
I still feel that. I am still bound to you intrinsically. You will always be a part of me, and no matter how much you try to deny it, you know I will always be a part of you.
I can understand why you need to deny it, though. You want to move on...so do I...but you think it will make it easier to just forget it all. Maybe it will help...for awhile...but it always comes back to us. Not always in ways we recognize either...it just always comes back to us...things we talked about, plans we made, dreams we shared...things we wouldn't even be accomplishing now if we had never met...never been together...never fallen in love.
It's some kind of cosmic joke, huh?
We will never really be free of each other...no matter how much we might think or want to believe that we are. I am just wasting my energy railing against the love I have inside for you, because nothing will ever cure me of it...nothing will ever make it fade away so I might as well get used to it.
I can't hate you anymore than I can hate myself because you ARE me...the way I used to be before you opened my eyes and caused me to see the world in a different way. You helped me grow in the sunlight while you stay in the darkness you love so well and remain stunted.
If I hate you for what you've done, then I HAVE to hate myself for the sins I've commited, and I can not afford to hate myself right now.
I am all that I have left.
So I forgive you and I accept my fate to be your lovesick fool, your biggest regret, your nemesis....your guardian angel.
I will continue to write to you here, sending more words we will never say to each other into the void to help ease my pain and lot in your life...
...To try to find the purpose of OUR life...
Damn...I always said you would be the death of me.
Be happy, Cowboy.
I wish you love.