cowboy convo #14
August 02, 2003 � 4:14 p.m.

Mood-Surly

Ex-Girlfriend-No Doubt

"I guess that's what I'm saying, but that's not what I want."- Ben Kirkley

Recurring thought-I can't believe I spilled sauce on my shirt!! Dammit!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Finding out my boy Fuzzy has superimposed my head on porn star's bodies to make fake pictures in his drunken spare time

SON OF A BITCH!!!

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I miss you.

I don't know why I wanted to say that, but I just felt the need to let it be known.

Thing is, I know I will miss you for the rest of my life. I know I say mean things and might seem spiteful and venomous, but I don't really feel that way.

Honest!

I feel sorry for you, actually. Not in a bitchy way, either. I feel sorry for you because you are about to turn 31 and you have no clue in how to get the things you want out of life. You say you know what you want, but you really don't. You say one thing and act another way in all aspects of your life. That's kind of sad, don't you think?

But the worse thing that I truly dread happening to you, is you ending up in a loveless marriage with some woman that doesn't even really know you, or want to know you for that matter, and you have children and try to create some optical illusion that you will try to portray as a happy life when in actuality you are so miserable you just want to die.

I see that happening to you. I have visions and dreams of you being trapped in a cage and I come to pet you and feed you...crying for your misery and completely crushed that I can't help you get out. I don't want that to happen to you. I don't want that to happen to me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for you and being angry at myself because I was wasn't able to save you.

Lost in regret because I let you make that mistake.

I can not save you, Cowboy, not anymore.

I can't care about what you do. I don't want to be with you like that anymore, but I also don't want to see you unhappy. I don't want you to settle down with some chippie just because you're tired and want to be a dad. Apparently, my life is still connected to your life...will always be connected to your life...and my happiness and contentment seemingly depends on yours.

I guess I asking you not to fuck up anymore. Be with whoever, but make sure you know what the hell you're doing. Open your eyes and pay attention to life for once, Cowboy. Stop letting life live you.

Why this advice now?

I was talking to Jenny and I said that I don't want to be with you anymore, and I know that we will never be together again. Something I've said a thousand times, I know, but this time I meant it. Mainly because you will never pursue me and come after me like you really want to be with me and if nothing else, you coming to me and saying you want me back and then doing nothing to prove it, would drive me into a homicidal rage which you would be the kind receipiant.

Oh well.

Just go and do and the things you always say you want to do. Love someone completely that's worthy of your love, your name, your children.

For my sake, have a happy life.

I don't want to spend the rest of mine mourning what should have been yours.

Possibly ours.

I love you.

I miss you.

I wish you luck.