cowboy convo #13
August 01, 2003 � 8:31 p.m.

Mood-drifting

Drift and Die-Puddle of Mud

"You don't think you're pretty because you're not. You are absolutely beautiful"-Ben Kirkley

Recurring thought-Should I get drunk tonight?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-My car not having any pick up this morning because I didn't let it warm up long enough. Now I'm scared and I have to take it in for a tune up tomorrow with money I don't have.

FUCK!!!!!!!

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Why do all of the men in my life leave me?

I mean I don't know what it is. I mean...do I love you guys too much? Do I do to much for yall? Am I too accessible? What is it?

Why can't I seem to keep the men I love in my life?

I don't even mean like men like you...like boyfriends...I just mean men I love in general. Like brothers, friends, crushes...my father. Why do you leave? What is it?

I mean...you can help me. If I'm doing something wrong you can tell me what it is and I can try to change it, but if no one ever tells me what it is I'm doing wrong, then I'll never be able to fix it.

I just want to love you.

Not really you in general...at least...not anymore...but men in general.

I just want to be able to love someone without being afraid that one day they will leave me.

I made that mistake with you and trust me, I won't be making that mistake again. I mean really Cowboy, you fucked me up big time. You said you didn't want to be like the other men in my life and hurt me like they did. Well good news, you aren't like them.

You are a thousand times worse.

With them I knew what I was getting. They fed me lies, yes, but none of them were as convincing as you were. None of them took it to the extent that you did.

None of them said they wanted me to be their wife, the mother of their children, and promised to love me forever.

Nope...you were the first...the only...and you were fucking amazing.

I will never be the same. I'll never want those things with anyone else. I'll never trust those words from anyone else.

You were the first, the last, the only one to ever utter those words to me and have me greedily begging for more

I will never truely be able to allow myself to love anyone else like I loved you.

Do you feel honored?

Do you feel special?

Do you feel guilty?

Do you feel loved?

Can you?

Well try to feel some way about this...

you are the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

At lease have the decency

to let me go.