insanity's child
July 31, 2003 � 1:36 p.m.

Mood-fucked up...been crying all morning and I don't know why

Faint-Linkin Park

"To die would be a great adventure. Death is the only adventure you have left."- Hook

Recurring thought-I want to go home.

A classic "What the Fuck?!?" moment- Sitting here at work with tears just rolling down and I have no clue why it's happening or what to do to stop them.

What the hell is wrong with me?

****************************************

What's the worst sight in the world?

I would have to say that it's my face while I'm crying in the woman's bathroom at work under those horrific fluorescent lights. I looked at my reflection to try and look "normal" before coming out and I looked so terrible I started crying again.

I really look like I could be the saddest woman on earth.

I look like I could be in one of those depression commercials for Zoloft...the suicide poster child...

I look like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous break down.

I can not stop crying right now. I don't even know why I am crying. I just can't stop it. Every time I wipe the tears away, they start welling up again and I try to keep them from falling but they do it anyway.

Sadness pouring out of me like a river.

Maybe I'm too full of sadness and my body is trying to purge itself.

I don't know. I just feel so overwhelmed, and now I feel like such a weak and pathetic bitch to be just sitting here and crying at my dirty ass desk for all the world to see.

I wrote Jenny.

I don't think we'll be hanging like that anymore.

Maybe it's for the best. Maybe I shouldn't be around anyone right now. I'm no good to anyone...I just pull innocent bystanders into my bullshit orbit and make them feel bad too. Like they did something to me.

Like they made me like this.

Like they can fix me.

I have news everyone...there is no cure for me. There's no words to make me feel better or any liquor that can help me forget. There's no love to redeem me.

There is no salvation.

This is who I've always been behind the fake smiles and idiotic banter. This is who I am when I sit still long enough. This is the real me without always acting like I'm so strong and insightful and fun. Me without the smiling, laughing, and pretending that I'm fine, you're fine...that everybody's fine...that there is always hope.

I rarely let this girl out to breathe. When she used to escape, HE would be there to catch her, hold her, soothe her, love her. He would tell her it would be alright and she would believe that it could be. When HE was around...she barely existed...she was getting better...she was on the way to moving the fuck out. But HE left instead and without him to control her, she's been getting more and more rambunctious, worse than she was before HE found us. She wants to ruin it all for us.

She scares the holy shit out of me. I don't want her to be seen. I don't want her to take over again.

I sound insane don't I? I apologize for that...I am rambling again.

This is who I am.

This is me without the mask.

Not a pretty sight is it?

That's why everyone I love leaves me...they can't stand the sight of me.

They hate who I really am behind the mask.

And I can't say I blame them...

I hate the scared, pitiful girl behind the mask too.

More than you could ever imagine.