"one of those"
July 30, 2003 � 6:25 p.m.

Mood-drowsy and irritated

The EX Factor-Lauryn Hill

"I always seem to be looking at life from the wrong side of the window."-Poison Ivy

Recurring thought for the day- I can't believe I left my fucking pills at home!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment- Stumbling across an online dating ad submitted by Cowboy saying:

I'm just a guy looking to meet a woman i can have a future with. I want someone to be a friend, a lover, and a wife. Is that to much to ask for?

and

The mind is more important than anything. And i hope you like to laugh. I just want someone to call mine, and grow with them. No BS just romance.

I've been fucked up in the head every since.

****************************************

I am having "one of those" days.

I am agitated, easily irritated, melancholy, crampy, reflective, hungry, defensive, regretful, edgy, fidgety, quiet, and somber.

I have so many thoughts running through my head that I can't concentrate on anything long enough to come to any conclusions.

I guess that's a blessing in a way.

I called Jenny last night, fighting hard as hell to keep the fact that I was crying to myself, rambling off every thought that popped into my mind. I don't know what I was saying or if it made any sense, I just said it as soon as I thought it. I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish or figure out...or if I was even trying to figure anything out.

I just wanted to hear Jenny's voice.

I got off the phone feeling even worse than before I called her because it dawned on me that I am probably putting her in the most uncomfortable position imaginable because she lives with him and sees him with his new girls and sees how he...how he doesn't miss me, and here I come...crying to her about how it's all unfair and divulging secrets about our relationship and revealing how fucked up I am behind it all.

I never thought I would be "one of those" women...

those clingy, whiney, bitter, aimless, closed off women that never get over the love of their lives...

Huh...I never even expected to have a fucking love of my life, better yet lose it.

And now I'm dragging the only person I can talk to in the middle of all OUR bullshit. Why am I making life more difficult for her too?

I don't know.

Part of me knows I shouldn't call her as much or go over there anymore...but I would miss her so much and being around her just makes me feel so happy...I really would want to die if I had to lose her, too. She keeps me sane.

It's a damn shame. I am losing everything.

My love, my hopes and dreams, my goals, my money, my mind...now my friends...

I don't want to end up as "one of those" women...

those bitter, suicidal, drunk ass, fuck sluts that want nothing more from life than a quick fix and some dick...creating some imaginary world in their minds where they are happy, beautiful, and free while crying themselves to sleep every night, wishing they could crawl out of their skin every waking moment, loathing themselves even more with every breath they take...fianlly dying alone...not noticed missing for days...not having anyone with anything nice to say at the funeral because no one really knew her anyway...

No...I don't want to be "one of those" women living "one of those" lives just to die "one of those" deaths.

I want to be the woman that "those" women admire.

I...

I just want...

I just want to be happy.

How the hell is that too much to ask for out of life?