the cards never lie
July 29, 2003 � 3:43 p.m.

Mood-Sad

One Day I'll Fly Away-Moulin Rouge Soundtrack

"Love beats the Demon."-Natural Born Killers

Recurring thought of the day-What should I do now?

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment- Doing tarot cards with Jenny and having EVERY reading tell me I'm in love with Cowboy, I've won the war and I just need to find the peace, and I need to move past it all so I can be happy.

No shit....REALLY!?!?!?!!?

*****************************************

So Jenny read my cards for me last night after I helped her with her english paper.

It was horrible.

She read my cards 6 different times in 6 different ways with 2 different decks and they said the same thing every time.

Every mother fucking time.

Worse than that...it was the same results as when she read them last week.

Kooky or just coincidence? I think not.

It's fate...divine intervention...it's the cosmos telling me to get my ass in gear and move the fuck on because he doesn't give a shit about me and I'm holding on to something that no longer exists. Something that might have never existed.

Fuck me.

I left her house depressed as shit at 4:30 in the morning. As soon as I walked out, I gazed at the sky and there it was...

My Big Blue Star That Could Have Been A Planet.

He was there, shining brighter than the other sparse stars in the sky, looking down on me in disappointment.

I had never felt so low in my life.

I drove home with my mind flipping over the cards, remembering all I love about him, thinking about Swiz and where he fits in in this equation, thinking about my Blue Star, trying to think of a future without Cowboy in it somehow, lost in dreams, and clinging desperately to a false hope.

When I got home, as soon as I put the key in the lock I started bawling. I crawled up my stairs and collapsed in my bed as if I had been running my entire life and was finally getting to rest. My clock clicked 5:17 and I covered my face with my hands and cried hard.

That kind of crying where you're curled up in a ball damn near screaming the agony out...not caring about the slobber and snot running down your face...your whole body convulsing as you cough raggedly and gasp for air just so you can wail louder and longer and with more abandon as you realize nothing can help you...no one can help you...you have to just let it all out so you can feel cleansed.

You have to let it all go so you can see your path clearly again and venture forward.

I don't know how long I laid there like that, but I finally moved to smoke a cigarette to calm me down. I laid there, staring intently out my window at nothing with the choas screeching loudly in my mind, and I slowly noticed the colors of the sky melting together from blue to pink with orange streaks dancing through the confusion.

The sky was conflicted between letting go of the night and embracing the morning.

Through my swollen eyes and ringlets of smoke, I watched the sky struggle between holding on to the past and letting the future begin, and as the sun emerged to chase all the doubtful remnants of night away, I felt the calm come over me.

I was one with the sky.

I witnessed the birth of a new day.

A new beginning.

Another chance to make it all right again.

I laid staring at the sky until my eyes became too greedy for dreams, and the last thoughts I had were the last words I uttered into oblivion before sweet darkness came...

"Show Me How To Live."