sleep to dream
July 25, 2003 � 5:46 p.m.
Mood-Tired as hell
Time is on my side-Rolling Stones
"You used to captivate me
by your resonating light
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
your voice it chased away all the sanity in me"-Evanesence (My Immortal)
Abused phrase today-What the fuck, yo?!
A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Cowboy's meeting a chick he met on the net. Did he do shit like that while we were together?!!?!
Fucker!
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I am beyond tired.
I went to the movies with Jenny last night to see T3. In spite of what others said, I liked it. It could have been better, but I really liked it. They have to do a fourth one, though, showing the battle with the machines and that should be the last installment. If the right person writes and directs that shit, it will be live as all get out.
*sigh*
So what was I saying?
Oh...Jenny...
As usual, we hung out at her place after the movie until the wee hours of the morn, and as usual, we ended up having one of our laughing fits. Damn...we had to be laughing for like 45 minutes. I don't know why everything seems so damn funny when we're over there...sometimes we just look at each other and crack up laughing. We are so strange.
I damn near had a conniption fit when Cowboy came waltzing down the steps without a shirt on. I was like "Whoa". My eyes were magnetically drawn to his nipple rings that I used to love so much that are on the chest that I used to love so much that is on the body of the man I used to love so much which shelters the beautiful soul that is the missing part of me that I love so much.
Wait...I meant LOVED...as in used to...you know past tense...LOVED, not love. Never love...oh no...never say love...again.
Uh...yeah...that's right...anyway...
He was chit chatting with us and after I said I wanted to get a tat, he said he has a friend that works at the tattoo parlor that's so close to me I can stand on my step and spit on it. I had forgotten that. He said Einstein went there last week an got a tat for 40$ that's ususally 80$ or 90$ because he told him he was a friend of his. He looked at me strange when he said that...and I wanted to ask him if he would put in a good word for me so I can get a discount, but I just nodded and looked at my sneaker. I think he was expecting me to ask, but I was afraid. I mean, I don't know if we're friends or what. I don't know if he even wants his boy giving me a tat and more than that, I'm not sure if I want his boy to give me a tat because then he would know what my tat means and might blab it back to Cowboy. Fuck! Quite the conundrum, eh?
I don't even know why I want a tat all the sudden so damn bad anyway. I probably can't even get one. It'll be a huge scar with ink in it instead of a lovely memorial to love lost. Then again, the relationship was a huge mistake and a devestating disaster that left me scarred for life, so the tat should be the same thing, right? It would serve me right. I know better anyway. Why the fuck do I need a tat? No one is going to see it anyway. Except whoever happens to be behind me when I naked...or at least shirtless.
Shit, nothing I do or think makes any sense these damn days.
My dreams are fucking up my head bigtime.
I am becoming an insomniac. I need a night time hobby.
I need to have sex.
Maybe that will straighten me out some. Some nasty, dirty, sweaty, abusive, nail raking, body convulsing, high pitch screaming, gutteral moaning, what the fuck is your name!??! type sex. Oh yeah...sounds delish to me!
What I really need is a fucking break...from my job, my friends, my family, my heart, my memories, my life, my dreams...
In short, I need a fucking break from me.
Maybe that's why I'm acting so out of character and trying to do some wacked out shit.
I'm trying to escape me...or trying to find the real me...one or the other.
However, whichever, whatever...it doesn't matter. In the end I'm still stuck with the same old me.
Same disillusionment.
Same heartache.
Same fears.
Same disappointments.
Same haunting memories.
It's impossible for me to change or escape, no matter how much I want to or how hard I try...
because being the girl I am now is the only way I know how to be, and I'm too much of a pussy to aspire to be the woman I could be.
That woman is the only illusion I have left that no one has been able to distort in me.
She is all I have to sustain the dreamer in me.
I need to get some sleep.