insanity
July 24, 2003 � 6:40 p.m.

Mood-Thoughtful

The Perfect Drug-Nine Inch Nails

"Life is a mess...life is chaos personified." Serendipity

Abused word for today-Na uh!!

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment-Realizing that my tag board was missing the part where the messsages are put in. No wonder I hadn't gotten tagged in awhile!! But when did it disappear and why?!?!

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I have a question...

Do you know what the definiton of INSANITY is?? Well, here you go, if you didn't. You will need it to read further.

Insanity-In*san"i*ty, Persistent mental disorder or derangement. No longer in scientific use.

b. Unsoundness of mind sufficient in the judgment of a civil court to render a person unfit to maintain a contractual or other legal relationship or to warrant commitment to a mental health facility.

c. In most criminal jurisdictions, a degree of mental malfunctioning sufficient to relieve the accused of legal responsibility for the act committed.

d. Extreme foolishness; folly.

Something that is extremely foolish.

Something has come to my attention.

I AM FUCKING INSANE.

I was sitting in my living room half naked last night, eating my oodles of noodles and watching Golden Girls, when someone knocks on my door. At first I thought I was tripping. I looked at my phone and thought "Swiz didn't say he was coming!" and panic and throw on my shirt. As I rush to the window I start thinking that maybe it was Kye or Darryl or maybe even Adam and then I'm even more confused because I have no clue why the fuck any of them would pop up at my place on a Wednesday night at 11:40 unless something happened. I flung my window open, popped my head out, and hollered who is it. I hear a voice and then someone steps back so I can see them.

I have no fucking clue who this guy is.

I mean, I've seen him around and one day he asked me for a smoke and he then preceded to tell me that he rememebered me from when I lived out here years ago.

I still didn't have a clue who he was.

Annoyed but intrigued, I go down to the door and stand there. He asked me if I wanted to smoke and I was like "You wanted a cigarette?" I lit one up and looked at him like "Well?" and he was like no, he was asking me DID I smoke...as in weed. I gave him my "huh?!" look and told him I didn't smoke weed. That's when he delved into this whole history lesson of where I used to live, who I used to hang with, what I used to look like, and how I used to smoke weed. He was dead on about everything but the weed thing, which I set straight right away. He knew everything about me from years ago.

I still had no clue who the fuck he was.

I was tired of sitting on my steps so I invited him in thinking if he kills me...oh well...I'm bored enough to risk death. He spots my books and was shocked I had read them all. The way he said "You read?" made me laugh because I was 2 seconds away from saying "Yeah you stupid muthafucka don't you, or is it just a rhetorical question? I didn't buy the books just to have them on a shelf! Duh!", but he caught himself and said, "I meant to ask if you had read all of them. That's a lot of books...lot of variety. Just seeing if you read them or plan on reading them." Now thinking how that was a nice save, I tell him I read them all. He looked impressed. He then spotted my chess set.

I haven't played in over a year, and even then I wasn't all that good. The set is merely decoration, trust me. But he seemed so surprised and interested when he asked if I played I just said yeah and left it at that. He asked for a game and I said sure so we sat down to play.

Mind you, I still have no clue who the fuck he is.

We sit down to play and he has his legs ontop of mine sitting across from me. Now...my dickmeter has been way off lately, so please excuse my ignorance at this blantant come on, for I truly had no clue. We played the game (I kicked his ass) and chit chatted a bit. It kind of bothered me how he kept calling me babygirl and making faces at me to make me laugh, but I couldn't figure out why. It wasn't until we stopped playing when I figured out why.

He reminded me of Duke.

From the beer smell on his breath, to the way he talked, even the way he enunciated his words...he was fucking Duke all over and suddenly my skin began to crawl. What the fuck am I doing? Who IS this cat? Why is he here? All these questions kept rolling around but I never once asked him to leave. Never felt fear at all. Repulsion, yes...but not fear. Even when he picked up my sword and tested it, I just sat there looking at him. He then surprised me.

He asked me to read some poetry to him.

I never had a guy ask me to read poetry to him, better yet someone I don't even know. I was stunned. He handed me my Edgar Allen Poe Anthology and sat on the edge of my couch. He sat there as if he had been there a thousand times...like I was his best friend in the world...and I have to admit, I liked his careless boldness. I protested saying I didn't like to read out loud, but he persisted and finally added he just wanted to "go to sleep with poetry in his head instead of chaos."

He said chaos.

Now I'm thinking about Cowboy and how we always made plans to read to each other, but never had the time.

We never had time for anything worthwhile.

So Tee (during the game I found out his name was Tee and that he is a resounding 22 years old with a daughter) had said the magic word and I relented, telling him after that he would have to go so I could shower and get ready for bed. He made some comment under his breath and then said "Nah...I'll let that go." I set myself to read and that's when he slid back off the arm of the couch and leaned on me. I looked at him but figured oh well and started to flip through the book to find the shortest thing possible because this guy was getting WAY to comfortable. I read one that was four lines long and he said that wasn't a poem blah, blah, blah...and he asked me to read The Raven. I said ok before I realized how long it was. I had forgotten how long it was. While I was reading he snuggled up next to me and moved my arm so it was around him and he played with my hand.

Uh huh...now my dickmeter is a-beeping like crazy.

I finished reading and pushed him up and was like he had to go. He stood above me, smiling with his hands clasped behind his back and looking like the perfect psycho killer. He thanked me and asked if he would be able to see me again some other time and I smiled and said, "I guess...if you ever catch me." To that he said, "I'm not Wile E. and you are not the Roadrunner, so I'm sure I'll catch you soon." I had to laugh. Cute. Clever.

I walk him to the steps and stand there. He called me babygirl again, and then it dawned on me...he didn't know my name.

I looked at him and said, "Are you planning to always just call me babygirl, because I'm never going to answer to that. Try calling me by my name." He looked completely puzzled and then embarrassed. "You don't know it, do you?" I laughed. He blushed and shook his head. He said he remembered everything about me but my name...and the weed thing...let's not forget the weed thing. So I told him and he smiled real wide and repeated it. "How could I have forgotten that?" he oozed. "I sure won't forget it again." He ran down the steps saying "See ya lata, Roadrunner!"

And he was gone.

It was then I felt the panic and realized how fucking stupid it had been to have him in my house. Anything could have happened!! He could have been some psycho!! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!?!?

Yet...he was cute...charming...surprising...and I had enjoyed his company.

But please...what am I going to do with a 22 year old baby daddy that drinks, smokes weed, doesn't work and doesn't even have his own place or car?

Knowing my track record...probably fall in love with him.

See what I'm saying?!?!

Insane.

I am fucking insane!!!!

Help!