cowboy convo #9
July 22, 2003 � 2:03 p.m.

Mood-hungrier than a mutha fucka

All I Need-Method Man

"You are the queen of my heart." Ben Kirkley

Funny phrase-shit fucking monkies

A classic "What the fuck?!!?" moment-Waking up in the middle of the night crying and having no one there to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

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I dreamt about you last night.

Again.

I've been dreaming about you for...what...like the past 3 weeks now.

They're always the same yet always different...always with you, me, Jenny, and Swiz.

Always with you coming back to me, or you convincing me to come back to you...telling me I know that everything I do, I do for you...or at least because of you.

But last night...last night was the first time it felt...real.

The whole dream was in a 1920's motif and we were rival gangsters...me and Jenny against you and Swiz, battling over territory. That was cool.

Then the dream changed.

It was back to being this time frame. You knocked on my door and I came rushing down the stairs, flinging the door open breathlessly to stand in front of you. You stand there smiling and say "How have you been, baby?" I step forward and say, "In love." You look sad and say, "That's good. With who?" and I say "With you...it always comes down to you." You smile and step inside, grabbing me into your arms and smiling down at me. You say, "I am so glad to hear that. I was so afraid I had lost you forever. I love you so much, baby. I promise I will never leave you again." You kissed me and then I woke up. Tears sprang into my eyes because I realized it was just another dream. I looked over at my clock and it clicked 5:01. I curled up into a ball and started crying.

Remember our 5:00 am wake up calls?

Every time I stayed over, I'd be waken up around 5:oo to you rubbing my skin, kissing me, or whispering something sexy in my ear...waiting for me to stir so you'd know I was awake...that I was ready...that I wanted you.

In that realm between sleep and awake I would linger under your kisses and the sensation of you moving inside of me.

It was Heaven.

I woke up crying at 5:00 aching inside like I have never ached before.

For the first time in a long time, I woke up missing you like crazy...wishing you were here with me...hoping that there was a chance for us...

Wondering why you no longer love me...

and if you ever loved me at all.

I miss you.