immortalizing jenny
July 22, 2003 � 6:16 p.m.

Mood-Bored

7 Nation Army-White Stripes

"She is beautiful. She has over 600 smiles...and they all light up your life. She can make you laugh out loud...just like that. And she make you cry...just like that. And that's just her smiles." When A Man Loves A Woman

Funny phrase-crap monkies

A classic "What the Fuck?!?!" moment- Noticing that the name tag on my favorite only Gucci purse is ripping off. Gucci tags don't rip off do they!?!?

****************************************

I don't sleep well anymore.

When I'm home alone, I have to drink in order to get sleepy enough to fall asleep. I have to drink and smoke in order to occupy my mind so I am not sitting at home, staring at the walls, and driving myself fucking crazy analyzing everything to death.

Whenever I'm home alone, the voices, the faces, the memories, the hopes, the dreams...all come crowding in my brain and won't stop jumping around unless I sedate them with some vodka or beer or a pack of cigs.

I can only survive if I try to destroy myself.

I don't want pity. I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. No one knows enough about me to be disgusted by me. Those that hate me can not even give a probable cause for it. I don't hide who I am or what I want...I just don't tell anyone either. If you don't try to really know me, then you're not worthy of me acknowledging you anyway.

I am a puzzle trapped in an amalgem wrapped in a riddle.

Nothing at all about me or my life makes any fucking sense at all.

Except Jenny.

My Jenny...my inspiration...makes sense.

She handles adversity with dignity. She gives and loves unconditonally. She fights for what she believes in.

She is as open as the sky.

If it wasn't for Jenny, I don't think I would have made it this far. I would have fallen apart a week after Cowboy had left me. I would have cracked up...drank myself stupid...taken a blade to my wrists.

Jenny gives me solice.

Jenny...

Jenny makes me balanced.

She is one of those people that walk around never realizing how amazing they really are...never seeing the potential of power that gravitates in their hands because they are so selfless and modest, that they wouldn't use it or believe it if you told them anyway.

Most of all...I love Jenny because she is just as lost as I am right now, but you would never know it by looking at her. She is bright, funny, engaging...pretty as hell...laid back...easy to talk to...she is an angel.

I never had a girlfriend I could just chill out with and have fun no matter what we're doing. I've never been in a friendship with a woman where there wasn't some underlying tension or unverbalized competition. I've never known the freedom of being able to confess every thought or emotion and feel like the other person is actually listening and cares and isn't just waiting for you to shut up so they can tell their story.

Jenny makes it easy to be me.

Jenny makes every day feel like kindergarten.

She doesn't believe the things I say to her. I see the doubt in her eyes when I tell her how great she is and how pretty and funny she is. I see the confusion when I tell her I admire her strength. I see the pain when I tell her she deserves the world.

She didn't acknolwedge these things in you Jenny because she didn't want YOU to see them. She was afraid of your power, your passion angered her for no reason...she was jealous of your sweetness.

She didn't love you because she is totally incapable of loving something she feared so much.

She couldn't love you because you were everything she knew she could never be or ever deserve to have in her life.

In short...she was an idiot.

So don't you worry, Jenny girl...don't shed one more tear or give one more thought to her or doubt yourself anymore.

You are a fucking power to be reckoned with, and together we are unstoppable.

So don't be sorry for what's transpired up til now...just feel sorry for the world...cause muthafuckas just ain't ready to handle a woman such as you.

Remember that everything is just starting.

Remember...

always remember...

It Can't Rain All The Time.

I am humbly honored to be able to call you a friend.